Disclaimer!

This is a send-up, a parody, an exaggeration, based upon being at school with not a great deal to do and not many interesting people to do not a great deal with. No one, of course, is quite this bad.

There is an important distinction to be made, which one must bear in mind at all times when discussion Mock-Goths. REAL Goths are (in my experience) interesting, intelligent people with a sense of humour. It may be skewed, but it's there- and in any case, skewed is good.

Mock-Goths are fishes of a different kettle.

To those who know, they are obvious, and roundly mocked (referred to by Terry Pratchett (Soul Music/Carpe Jugulum) as 'necro- nerds'.) Those who become Mock-Goths are often very promising, open-minded individuals. What they lack is imagination!

The cases studied have been those who were sub-Townies (i.e. you would be willing to speak to them) and quite pleasant, but a bit dull. No engaging creativity, imagination or latent oddness.

Around the age of 13-16, they change. Everyone else has either confirmed their Townieship (which most people did, I'm afraid, with a huge drinking session on a disused railway line) or gone The Other Way. This presents a dilemma for those who have interesting Otherwise* friends and wouldn't forsake them for a Kappa track-suit, but haven't the personal depth to be Otherwise themselves.

The idea of being Otherwise is to make up an individual style. Those destined for Mock-Gothicity instead follow a worn-out stereotype to the letter, as they think it's expected of them. Here are the symptoms:

• Not grasping the idea that black is most effective when set off with coloured accessories, i.e. purple or crimson. Case in point; one known and closely-observed Mock-Goth threw out all her non-black clothes.
• Taking themselves seriously. This is where the difference between real and Mock-Goths shows itself. The latter, when criticised by Townies, deny their Gothicism vehemently whereas the former laugh. (If in the presence of Otherwise friends, however, a Mock-Goth will express that they are definately Gothic. Faces for the public and all that.)
• Doing exactly what one expects them to. Such as, buying the token books (Dracula, Frankenstein, etc.) and then not reading them, making a point of visiting graveyards and telling people about it, and constantly being miserable even when they have no reasons.
• Awful and unsuitable make-up. Done skilfully, Goth make-up is highly effective. Mock-Goths think 'black is all' and go from there, with lamentable results. For example, one unfortunate is now known to all (except herself) as 'Moon'.

It must be point out, however, that these things are not in themselves bad. Personally, I like to read inscriptions on gravestones (and so does my mother), I have dressed up as Death (see 'Babies of the Apocalypse') in public, and I know as well as anyone that people's moods are rarely fathomable. But a Mock-Goth is never happy, because that would be 'wrong', wouldn't it?**

Happily, as this is a condition that strikes early (in the phase where young teenagers think some sort of rebellion is in order) some Mock-Goths (the more intelligent ones) grow up into the real thing, or leave it altogether. They then regain their former friends and all live happily ever after.

The rest place adverts for 'Fellow Vampires' in music magazines, write to them three times including lots of obscenities (they have to shock, of course) and then decide they're going to move in with them. Hopefully, one will never see them again. Unfortunately, they can develop the habit of compulsive and bad lying, so it looks like they'll be wallowing in self-inadequacy for a very long time.

• *'Otherwise' is my personal term for What I Am, being unclassifiable in other ways. I do what I like, and so do my friends, so even they aren't in the same category as me. See? Put simply, it's what the Modern Mass Media would term 'Alternative'.
• ** I own a copy of Gray's Anatomy, too, and I'm not a medical student. (They could be said to have their own culture.) I just like to look at the pictures.