The Idiot's Computer Dictionary

10 Conversations


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A

AccumulatorThe part of your desk where the In-Box isADAA bad name for your daughterAnchorWhat a ship drops at a portAOLAn expletive used when the computer crashesAPIWhen you feel good about yourselfAPLA Programming LanguageAppleFound in a fruit bowlAppleShareCutting a fruit into two or more bitsAppletA small appleArchivesWhere Noah kept the beesArtificial IntelligencePretending you know something when in fact you don'tASCIIWhat to do if you don't know the answeryAssemblerThe guy who puts stuff togetherAssembly languageA series of grunts, whistles and farting noises usually heard on building sitesAthlonSaying "Ask Lon." with a lispAvatarsWhat you end up with if you sit on your bottom all day

B

BackslashWhat you get from your girlfriend's fingernails when you're good in bedBackspaceThe area of your back you can't reach to scratchBackupRevisiting the Austrian AlpsBackup tape
  1. The Sound of Music
  2. Trying to reattach sticky tape back to its roll
BASICA violent reaction through drinking too much Bay rumBaudA bed in a telephone exchange. Usually comes with free breakfastBenchmarkVandalising park furniture with a penknifeBeOSA stinging insect that is good with computersBeta testingA way to find out if your egg-whisk worksBinary treeWhen the tree break in half but keeps growingBIOS
  1. Type of ball point pen
  2. Operating system for people who swing both ways
BitmapWhat you are left with when you fight about directionsBlue Screen of DeathWhat is normally seen when using WindowsBookmarksWhat you get if spill coffee on that novel you're readingBootA device that goes on ones foot in order to produce corns, blisters etcBoot upWhat you want to give to Bill GatesBorderSomeone who pays to stay in your houseBrackets ( ) { } [ ] < >Things that hold shelves to the wallBrowserSomeone who looks but doesn't buyBubblejetThe result of breaking wind in the bathBugSmall animal with six or eight legsBulletin boardOutcome of firing at and missing the teacherBurst pipeline cacheEmergency appeal moneyBusUnreliable public transport

C

CBig wavey wet thingC++
  1. Not quite as good as getting a B-
  2. Control language for submarines
CacheOldstyle moneyCache HitsWhat untrained cats leave you as presentsCADA sleazy fellow who dates several women at the same timeCaps LockThe bit of elastic that goes under your chinCase
  1. What you hope the prosecution hasn't got against you
  2. A brand of farm tractor
CatzPet used to turn off the power strip at the worst possible moment in timeCDThe red light districtCD-ROM
  1. What you get if you rent cheap in a red-light district
  2. Little shiny disk containing dodgy pictures
CD-ROM TrayCup holderCD WriterPenthouse article authorChatroomThe ladies toilet at a partyChipFrench friesChipsetThe equipment used in a fry barClient-Server SystemWe pay the money, you do the workClip artMaking sculptures out of office stationeryCOBOLA mythical creature that is popular in D&DCodeVirus lasting three to five days, causing sore throat and runny noseCode segmentWhen a cipher is shredded.comMy Gran's next door neighbourCommand lineAbout Turn!Common Object ModelMiniature copies of everyday items that you assemble from kitsConsoleAhhhh! There there, diddumsControlWhat you never have with products written by MicrosoftControl-Alt-DeleteVulcan death gripCookiesLarge chocolate chip biscuits that don't last very long because they are so niceCoral
  1. Intricate system of interconnecting routes which breaks down easily
  2. Where gunfights in westerns used to take place
CPUA leaky sheep CrashWhen you hit another carCrash DumpWhat you leave in your shorts after an accidentCursorPerson who swears a lot

D

DataThe android from Star TrekDay TradeTrading your Monday for a Friday or other such tradeDebuggerDe guy who sold you de computerDegaussingOpening the bedroom window after a particularly bad case of windDeskjetA motor for model aircraftsDesktopWhere empty coffee mugs, executive toys and occasionally work is foundDialog BoxA boxing match with excessive commentaryDIMMIntellectually challengedDirect Memory AccessDrilling a hole in your skullDMAThe genetic code of lifeDocumentWhat you ask the doctor when you don't understand himDownload
  1. What hod carriers do at the end of the day
  2. What a baby does in its nappy
DRAMMake mine a large one! (*HIC*)DSLTruck fuelDumpsterMade of porcelain, must be flushed after useDynamic RAMMale sheep on Angel Dust

E

E-BankingWhat Yorkshire Bank doE-CommerceThe Halifax branch of WHSmithEEPROMDance for Electrical Engineering studentsEMACSAn unsucessful electrified raincoatEndnoteYour's Sincerely...Escape KeyDevice that unlocks a cell doorExabyteAn extra-terrestial just bit my leg offExcelSomething this program fails to doExecution HistoryList of people who were given the death penalty

F

Far PointerMotorway signpostFATGravitationally challengedFIFOSecond most popular name for dogsFile serverThe bloke behind the counter in a hardware storeFingerFound on handsFirewallThe wall you stand against when you're in front of the firing squadFirewireA lit fuseFlagColoured piece of cloth designed to flap in the windFlameA bright yellow wobbly thing that you can't touch and burns you if you tryFlip FlopNoise made by a type of sandalFloppyA side effect of 10 pints of lagerFloppy diskA frisbeeFloppy DriveThe pelvic thrust of an impotent manFLOPSWhat most people do off a diving board ath the swimming poolFortran
  1. Military code for 'they surrendered without a fight'
  2. America's running shoe respository
Freeware
  1. The ugly sweater Grandma gave you for Christmas
  2. Birthday suit
FTPWhat you do in the dumpster after 10 pints of lager Function KeysThe ones which aren't broke yetFuzzy LogicHow most people think after 10 pints of lager

G

Gates, Bill
  1. Similar to a turnstyle, you think you have gone through for free but you pay over the odds in the future
  2. Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With
GigabyteWhat godzilla does to his arch-enemyGNOMESmall subterranean humanoid creatureGNUBig, hairy, hard to controlGraphic cardBirthday greeting with a rude picture on itGreen MotherboardYour computer is dampGUI
  1. A basic description of the gunge that they use in "light entertainment" shows on television
  2. Guys who are Ugly International

H

Harddisk
  1. A disco fanatic
  2. Floppy disk after the use of Viagra
Hard driveThe M6/M25 on a Monday morningHardwareBomber jacket, earring, ripped jeans and a knuckle dusterHeapWhat you are left in when your computer crashesHelpNeed some? Then stay away from this section in any piece of softwareHertzWhat it does if you drop a desktop on your footHexGypsies put this on you if you don't buy their pegsHigh level languageHow the upper class talkHigh Performance PCOne which throws a lot of tantrumsHomeA king's castleHome keysFound on a string behind the letter boxHot SwapLarge group sharing an Indian Take-awayHTMLHe Tries, Mainly Loses (school reports)

I

IBM
  1. One step above HAL
  2. I'd Better Meditate
iBookRequired reading for opticiansIconWell respected individualICQ
  1. Waiting to go ice skating
  2. A chilled letter Q
IDEA young orphan sent to live with her grumpy grandfather in the Swiss AlpsiMacMini-raincoat that fits on your eyelidIMAPMicrofiche contact lensesIndexWhere playing cards are storedInkjetAn oldfashioned airplaneIntegerWhere the jam's keptInternet
  1. Worldwide committee for the promotion and sponsorship of fishing
  2. Where fishermen hope all fish will go
Internet ExplorerWorker to untangle fish caught in fishing netInterNICInternational criminal organisation, direct opposite to InterPOLInterruptWhat people always do when you're playing solitaireIPFirst person term for what one does when they had to much waterIRQWhat someone does when they slightly upset you "Irk you"IT servicesThe people who know least about computing at your workplace

J

JavaAn island near AustraliaJavascript
  1. An essay after coming into contact with a spilt mug of coffee
  2. The cineplay for Krakatoa
JOTDYou're just jealous because the voices are talking to meJPEGUsed to hang up wet JclothsJumperKnitted woolen item of clothing

K

KeyboardA wooden rack with hooks on which to hang your keysKey LockWhat other sort is thereKilobyte
  1. Can only be done by people with very big mouths
  2. Death by mastication
KiloFLOPSA particularly bad dive off a diving board

L

Lag
  1. Insulation around a boiler
  2. A type of bolt
LANLawyers Are NicompoopsLART
  1. Luser Attitude Readjustment Tool. It can be a half-brick or a plank or even a claymore (sword or mine makes no difference)
  2. Light Armament- Recoil Type
LaserjetA craft found in Star WarsLISPA programming impedimentLogTree after it has been cut down and into several piecesLog FileSomeone who likes segmented treesLogic CircuitA tour of Albert Einstein's houseLogitechA computer tech that actually makes senseLuserA system adins term for those that use the network

M

Machine languageA series of beeps and whistlesMacintosh
  1. A brightly coloured raincoat
  2. Computer with training wheels you can't remove
  3. Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs
MacsBugAn insect in your raincoatMass StorageWhere the padre keeps his sermonsMegabyteWhat people do to food when they are really hungryMegaFLOPSFLOP from the highest diving board. That's gonna hurt!MegaHertz
  1. How you feel once you have done a megaFLOP
  2. What it does if you drop a server on your foot
MemoryA gland possessed by all female mammalsMenuDocument listing food and beverages available to orderMicrochipsFrench Fries for SmurfsMicroficheAn anchovyMicrosoftA pygmy without ViagraMillenium bugA type of millipedeMIMEA type of street entertainerMonitor
  1. Person who stands at the front of the class and gives out the pencils
  2. What the government does to you
MODA squad on TV in the sixtiesModemWhat a redneck landscaper does to lawnsMOONoise a cow makesMotherboardWhen your mother lives with youMouseSmall white rodent that is hated by catsMouse ButtonDevice which triggers a mouse trap to fireMouse matWhere your cat leaves small dead animals for you to tread onMouse padWhere beatnik mice liveMouse PointerPest Exterminator's assistantMP3The third politician MSDOSKills all known operating systems. Dead!MSNWhat something is when you can't find itMUDWet soilMultimediaBuying more than one newspaperMultitasking
  1. Screwing up several things at once
  2. More than one pair of hands
MultithreadingWeavers do this on a loomMultiuserManipulating more than one personMySQLMy place of learning (see SQL)

N

Named pipeA piece of cylindrical tubing with a nameNE2000Not picky about which two thousand items to chooseNet bandwidthBandwidth after taxNetscapeWhen there are too many fishermenNetworkWhat Fishermen do when ashoreNetwork CardFishermen use these for keeping track of net repairsNewbyA cartoon dog who never really caught onNibbleWhat you do when you see a cookieNICWhat often happens while shavingNodeWhat Vicks(tm) clearsNot gateA garden fenceNum LockWrestling moveNumeric Co-ProcessorAbacus

O

Object OrientedMaterialisticOffice AssistantSpotty teenager on work experience who thinks they know everything but is just totally out of place and generally hated by everyone they come in contact withOpenGLA convertibleOperating SystemCut, adjust, sewOptical disksPosh word for eyesOracleWise personOutlookThe weather forecast

P

PacketWhat one must do to a suit casePacket LossWhat the post office does regurlyParallel portsDover and Folkestone, for instanceParity bitsBeak, claws, plumage etcParity error"Peices of seven, peices of seven"PCIOne's eye when chopped into piecesPascalPale colours, much used in decorationPCA restrictive way of talking so as not to offend anyone at allPCMCIA
  1. An ultra top secret American organisation
  2. People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms
PentiumA five sided shapePerlA semi-precious languagePETDomesticated animalPetabyteWhat an angry H2G2 Community Editor may doPHPNoise made by arrow striking target PICOA rare type of pokemonPing
  1. sound made by a small bell
  2. An early version of the game PONG
PipeCylindrical tubingPixelSmall person who wears a strange green hat and sits on toadstools at the bottom of Enid Blyton's gardenPolygonA dead parrotPongWhen it smellsPOPA carbonated beveragePowerbookWhat a wizard uses to cast spellsPowerpointWhat you plug the toaster intoPower StripA striptease at high speedPower SurgeWhat happens after that 5th cup of morning coffeePrimary KeyThe key to one's housePrinterA person who can't write incursiveProgramIn favour of the Metric SystemPROM
  1. A concert held at the Albert Hall
  2. Beside the seaside
  3. A dance for 12th grade students
ProtocolPerson you bring in after you've botched things upPunched cardA wag who's been slappedPythonA snake

Q

QuicktimeWhen everything seems to be happening much too fast

R

RAIDDrug bustRAM
  1. A male sheep
  2. What one does with ones head into the desk after their computer crashes
  3. What one does with ones head into the desk after Windows crashes
RAMBUSA form of public transport run by sheepRam ChargerA model of 1960's Chrysler automobileRam ChipsLeft behind by male sheepRam DoublerCloning machine for male sheepRealplayerWhat you see when you watch a live music performanceRecycle BinTreasure trove for homeless peopleRegister
  1. Used to make sure kids aren't bunking off school
  2. What you do to get access to the computer
  3. Device used at shops for ringing up purchases
Resolution"I will buy a better monitor"ROM
  1. A drink for sailors
  2. "The Space Knight" a comic book character from the 1970's

S

ScannerA device used by dyslexic workmen to undo nuts and boltsScreensaverHeavy duty steel cage that is found over the windscreen of riot squad transit vansScroll BarWhere scribes went to drink in the middle agesScroll Lock
  1. Wax seal used to identify sender of a document
  2. To avoid others looking at your secret scrolls
Scroll WheelAncient device used to roll and unroll parchmentSCSIGillian Anderson in the X FilesSCSI DriverWay to get a Spanish taxiSearch Engine
  1. What the Fat Controller sends out to look for Thomas when he gets lost
  2. What the cops do after they find contraband in your car boot
Serial NumberBarcode on the box of cornflakesSerial Port
  1. Where they load the grain onto ships
  2. Anywhere they export a lot of cornflakes
  3. An unlikely but delicious combination
Server
  1. The one who tosses the tennis ball in the air and hits it with a raquet
  2. Another name for a waiter
ServletA dwarf waiterSharewareHand-me down clothesShell
  1. Home of a limpet
  2. A brand of motor fuel
ShiftWhat you have to do when someone else wants to use the computerShift keyOne that will only open the door if you wiggle it about a lotSilicon graphicsA series of cartoons on prison cell walls SLIPWhat may happen if you are not careful when walking on icy groundSMTPSpecial type of American Indian tentSocketSmall sockSOCKSOften found in pairs, or on their own in an empty washing machineSoftwareComfy clothingSound BoardPart of a piano that amplifies the musicSoundcard
  1. Plastic form of credit for use at HMV
  2. A card that is not about to fall to bits
Space BarA social club for aliensSpace invadersFleas inside a blonde's earSpamA processed meat product in a tinSpreadsheetWhat you do when making your bedSpeakerThe guy talking at the front of the auditoriumSQLWhere kids hate goingSSHBe quiet SSLStockbroker with a speech impedimentStackOrdered pile of programmersStack pointerA guy who goes around indicating where the piles areStart menuA list of appetisersState SpaceA typical teenager's bedroomStatic RAM
  1. Dead male sheep
  2. Male sheep with bits of paper stuck to its wool
StringEntwined pieces of yarn used to tie things upStuffitWhat you say when your computer won't workSubroutineDaily life on a U-boatSubwoofer
  1. A footrest
  2. A dog on a U-boat
Sun
  1. A big fiery ball at the centre of the solar system
  2. Popular tabloid Newspaper
SuperuserSomeone who's very good at manipulating othersSurge Protector
  1. A Condom
  2. Person who stops you from drinking that 12th can of Surge
Swap FileExchanging abrading tools with your co-workerSwitchWhat you do when you don't like the program on the TV channel you're watchingSyQuestA depressing adventure

T

Tab
  1. Where you bet on how long it will be until your computer crashes
  2. A brand of diet soda
TCP StackBottles of antisceptic standing one atop the otherTeleconferencing A discussion about last night's EastEndersTemplates
  1. Part of a large dining set
  2. Paper plates
Terabyte
  1. Falling on your face in the dirt
  2. A shark just bit my leg off
TerminalDeadlyTextWhen someone becomes a TexanThree Finger SaluteCommon salute given to WindowsTrackerA brand of cereal barTrashcanEmptied once a week by the local councilTSRSomeone who says mean things about youTWAIN
  1. Technology Without An Interesting Name
  2. Wot a wabbit uses wen making a TWIP

U

UNIX
  1. Slang for you are illegally removing something
  2. Operating systems without balls
URL
  1. A British peer
  2. Something people in Boston add to their engine
USB
  1. South America
  2. An American stinging insect that makes honey
UserSomeone who manipulates othersUser-friendlySomeone who is nice to junkies

V

Vacuum TubePipes used to suck dirt up off the floorVB2 stages before VDVideo BoardCommittie that votes on what programs are shown on TVVideo CardNeeded at Blockbuster to rent moviesVIC-20Like WD-40 for your noseVirtual MemoryA dreamVirtual RAMA holographic male sheepVisual BASICWatching someone have a violent reaction from drinking too much Bay rumVoice recognition softwarePosh word for earsVolume LabelThe word under the knob that controls the sound level

W

WANPast tense of wonWinCEA facial expression implying pain or displeasureWindows
  1. Device allowing user to look through walls
  2. Something out of which you jump when the power fails and you lose a large program
  3. Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
Windows 95/98/2000Very big housesWindows Explorer
  1. A very timid adventurist
  2. Peeping Tom
WOMThe utlimate in data security, Write Only MemoryWOMBATFile to access WOMWord processorThe guy who decides if a word should be added to the languageWorld Wide WebHome to a very large spiderWORM DrivePloughWTBWill Try BetterWYSIWYG
  1. Brightly coloured toupée, normally worn by clowns, that rotates violently
  2. 22 points in Scrabble

X

XMLThe odour of old omlettesXTermA person who has served a jail sentanceX WindowsDevice that would allow you to look through walls, but it has been boarded up because it got smashed

Y

Y2KPostcode for an obscure bit of Yorkshire

Z

Zip drive
  1. The M6 north of Manchester on a Saturday afternoon
  2. Dragster racing
ZIP FileWhen you send the information by Express PostZOO archiveMethod of miniaturising safari park animals

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