A Conversation for The Idiot's Computer Dictionary

How about...

Post 1


Optical disks - posh word for eyes

search engine - What the Fat Controller sends out to look for Thomas when he gets lost

iMac - mini-raincoat that fits on your eyelid.

C++ - Not quite as good as getting a B minus.

Basically I am a sucker for this sort of thing. I particularly liked WYSIWYG. smiley - smiley

How about...

Post 2

Zak T Duck

Many thanks for your suggestions. They have all been added to the page.
Please keep them coming, I can't complete this page without the support of everyone else.

And there's more

Post 3


Oh, jolly good. Here's a few more...

Graphic card - birthday greeting with a rude picture on it

Monitor - person who stands at the front of the class and gives out the pencils

Mouse mat - where your cat leaves small dead animals for you to tread on

Shift key - one that will only open the door if you wiggle it about a lot

And there's more

Post 4

Zak T Duck

Thanks very much. I've added them to the dictionary and added a few more of my own. It's starting to fill out quite nicely now, only a few blanks left.

And there's more

Post 5


Hard drive - The M6/M25 on a Monday morning

Zip drive - The M6 north of Manchester on a Saturday afternoon

Network - What Fishermen do when ashore

Windows - Transparent things made of glass that let sunlight into your house

Windows 95/98/2000 - Very big houses

PC - A restrictive way of talking so as not to offend anyone at all

Internet - Where fishermen hope all fish (and dolphins) will go

Scanner - A device used by dyslexic workmen to undo nuts and bolts

DMA - The genetic code of life, er... I think

Mouse - A big eared rodent hated by cats, Jerry was one.

Laserjet - Oh wow, cool, there was one in Star Wars or something!

Hope these are OK. smiley - smiley

And there's more

Post 6


Sorry, forgot Windows and Mouse were already there. Oops.

How about instead:

Nibble - What you do when you see a cookie.

.com - My Gran's next door neighbour

jpeg - used to hang up wet jclothes

And there's more

Post 7


And how about these to fill up some of the missing letters...

kilobyte - Can only be done by people with very big mouths

Quicktime - when everything seems to be happening much too fast

voice recognition software - Posh word for ears

Y2K - Postcode for an obscure bit of Yorkshire

And there's more

Post 8


Oh, and Zip drive and internet too. Remind me to read articles properly before adding anything. smiley - sadface


Archives - Where Noah kept the bees

Dumpster - Made of porcelain, must be flushed after use.

ftp - what you do in the dumpster after 10 pints of lager

register - used to make sure kids aren't bunking off school

floppy - another side effect of 10 pints of lager

Assembly language - A series of grunts, whistles and farting noises usually heard on building sites

FAT - Gravitationally challenged

Boot - A device that goes on ones foot in order to produce corns, blisters etc.

PROM - A concert held at the Albert Hall

And there's more

Post 9


I like this article!

CPU - A leaky sheep

Cache - Oldstyle money

Help - Need some? Then stay away from this section in any piece of software

Software - Comfy clothing

Hardware - Bomber jacket, earring, ripped jeans and a knuckle duster

And there's more

Post 10

Peet (the Pedantic Punctuation Policeman, Muse of Lateral Programming Ideas, Eggcups-Spurtle-and-Spoonswinner, BBC Cheese Namer & Zaphodista)

This is a genuine glossary entry from a 1979 Apple II Reference manual...

Window: Something out of which you jump when the power fails and you lose a large program.

Thank you all!

Post 11

Zak T Duck

Wow, this page is a bigger than I thought it would be, and it's all thanks to you lot out there. Thank you!!! I'll try and get these all on the page by tonight, that'll keep me busy.

BTW. Keep up the good work! smiley - winkeye

Thank you all!

Post 12

Peet (the Pedantic Punctuation Policeman, Muse of Lateral Programming Ideas, Eggcups-Spurtle-and-Spoonswinner, BBC Cheese Namer & Zaphodista)

Public Key - the one under the flowerpot by the front door
Removable platter - unwanted member of a 60's pop group
Keyboard - strip of wood with little hooks screwed in along its length
Garbage in, Garbage out - Transaction log of John Peel's last visit to the BBC record library
Colour monitor - The Equal opportunities Commission
Ctrl-Alt-Del - The "Vulcan Death Grip"
Floppy Drive - Viagra
Backup - as in "Microsoft gets your..."
Microsoft Works - Oxymoron
Cutting Edge - see "Today's computer"
Today's Computer - see "Crash and Burn"
State of the art - see "Yesterday's computer"
Yesterday's computer - Obsolete
Crash and Burn - see "Microsoft"

Thank you all!

Post 13

The Jester (P. S. of Village Idiots, Muse of Comedians, Keeper of Jokes, Chef and Seraph of Bad Jokes) LUG @ A458228

MACINTOSH: Computer with training wheels you can't remove.
MULTITASKING: Screwing up several things at once.
USER: Someone who manipulates others.
SUPERUSER: Someone who's very good at manipulating others.
DOCUMENT: What you ask the doctor when you don't understand him.
BORDER: Someone who pays to stay in your house.
TEXT: When someone becomes a Texan.
BINARY TREE: When the tree break in half but keeps growing.
HEAP: What you are left in when your computer crashes.
CRASH: When you hit another car.
BOOT UP: What you want to give to Bill Gates.
NETSCAPE: When there are too many fishermen.
MOTHERBOARD: When your mother lives with you.
CD: The red light district.
TSR: Someone who says mean things about you.
BROWSER: Someone who looks but doesn't buy.
WORD PROCESSER: The guy who decides if a word should be added to the language.
ZIP FILE: When you send the information by Express Post.
SPREADSHEET: What you do when making your bed.
POWERPOINT: What you plug the toaster into.
OPERATING SYSTEM: Cut, adjust, sew.
HIGH LEVEL LANGUAGE: How the posh people talk.
LOGIC CIRCUIT: A tour of Albert Einstein's house.
STUFFIT: What you say when your computer won't work.
SERIAL PORT: Where they load the grain onto ships.
PARALLEL PORT: A port next to another one.
MP3: The third politician.
MOD: A squad on TV in the sixties.
REALPLAYER: What you see when you watch a live music performance.
HIGH PERFORMANCE PC: One which throws a lot of tantrums.
PONG: When it smells.
SPACE INVADERS: Fleas inside a blonde's ear.
START MENU: A list of appetisers.

*Most of these were completely off the top of my head*

3smiley - biggrin

Thank you all!

Post 14


Thanks for using my entries. smiley - smiley Here's some more...

Shareware - Hand-me down clothes

String - Entwined pieces of yarn used to tie things up

Chipset - The equipment used in a fry bar

bookmarks - What you get if spill coffee on that novel you're reading

command line - About Turn!

Terminal - Deadly

Sun - A big fiery ball at the centre of the solar system

Silicon graphics - A series of cartoons on prison cell walls

Console - Ahhhh! There there, diddums

UNIX - Slang - You are illegally removing something

Outlook - the weather forecast

Excel - Something this program fails to do

DIMM - Intellectually challenged

Punched card - A wag who's been slapped

Powerbook - What a wizard uses to cast spells

File server - The bloke behind the counter in a hardware store

subroutine - daily life on a U-boat

Endnote - Your's Sincerely, Orcus smiley - winkeye

How about...

Post 15


This is coming along very well now... smiley - smiley

They just keep coming

Post 16


Cursor - person who swears a lot

User-friendly - someone who is nice to junkies

Parallel ports - Dover and Folkestone, for instance

Serial ports - anywhere they export a lot of cornflakes

Beta testing - a way to find out if your egg-whisk works

How about...

Post 17

Is mise Duncan

UNIX - Operating systems without balls.
XML - The odour of old omlettes

How about...

Post 18

Blatherskite the Mugwump - Bandwidth Bandit

Here's some, all original, and mostly lame:

Freeware: the ugly sweater Grandma gave you for Christmas.

Firewire: a lit fuse.

Modem: what a redneck landscaper does to lawns.

Windows Explorer: a very timid adventurist.

Recycle Bin: treasure trove for homeless people.

Network Neighborhood: fisherman's village.

Control Panel: the thing with all the flashing lights in an airplane cockpit.

Multimedia: too many reporters standing outside your front door.

Defragment: piecing together exploded ordnance

Joystick: a

Linux: character from the cartoon strip "Peanuts", best known for his security blanket.

Commodore64: an aging Rear Admiral

RISC: nothing ventured, nothing gained

You are all totally brill!

Post 19

Zak T Duck

Thank you all once more, the page is currenly being updated to take into account all these hilartious new entries (I think I've got my work cut out, how am I supposed to laugh and type at the same time?). At the last count the page has over 150 entries! smiley - bigeyes

You are all totally brill!

Post 20

Buick Regal

here's a few more. Happy typing!

COBOL - A mythical creature. Popular in D&D.

Memory - a gland possessed by all female mammals.

Mouse pad - where beatnik mice live.

Multithreading - Weavers do this on a loom.

Network Card - Fishermen use these for keeping track of net repairs.

Ram Chips - left behind by male sheep.

ROM - A drink for sailors.

URL - A British peer.

Video Card - Needed at blockbuster to rent movies.

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