h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Eek! I go away on business and when I phone home my wife tells me she's acquired two guinea piggs which were going 'free to a good home'. I questioned whether this was wise, what with us having a fox set at the bottom of the garden...but apparently they're indoor guinea pigs.

Magical creatures, guinea pigs. They can turn a kilo of food into five kilos of muck.

Guinea pigs are good animals to keep. There's a good Entry on keeping Guinea Pigs in the guide. A401842

They are quite smelly though aren't they?

They don't deserve the reputation of breeding like rabbits. They are not born in large litters having two or three babes at a time. We had a litter of four. The smallest starved because the others were strong enough to monopolize the two teats.

They are not born helplessly undeveloped as hamsters are. Furry, bright eyed and running about from the get go.

Guinea pigs are not very smelly. As long as you clean their cage out about once a week they are quite acceptable. Unless, of course, you feed them broccoli.

Broccoli? Reminds me of the fabled notice on the wall of a gentlemen's club in London.

"During the asparagus season, we would ask that members kindly refrain from pissing in the umbrella stand."

Guinea wigs are extremeley pets. You are fortunate in having a very wise wife.

They are very vocal & communicative; the guinea pigs i mean, not the wives, though that may also be true. They do seem to get very horny though, best to take that into account if you don't want dozens of small but perfectly formed guinea wig babies running around going "weet!weet!"

If you are unfortunate enough to get orphaned babies, they do fine on diluted (1 to 3 parts) Carnation type milk every two hours (including through the night) but you MUST wipe their bottoms after every feed or they expand & explode & die.

They don't smell, but their poo does, i bet all poo does actually & they tend not to have flushing toilets in the average cage.

How lucky you are to have entered guinea wig heaven. Just watch out if Peruvian friends pop round.

zdt

But do they eat ants?

If trained correctly & you purchase the GM version, i am sure they do.

zdt

Do you mean guinea pigs or Peruvians? Pigs of any type don't eat ants but some Peruvians do eat guinea pigs. The reason that they make such nice pets and that you don't see any wild ones is because they are not wild animals. They are genetically modified (the old fashoned way by artificial selection) as domestic animals. So they look all happy to see you right up until they see the frying pan.

And they have multiple talents, no left brain/right brain nonsense here:

http://www.pinktentacle.com/images/soccer_guinea_pig.jpg

http://sitemaker.umich.edu/jason.bates/files/guinea-pig2.jpg

zdt

I'm thinking of them as compost making machines.

As I sit and type, they're running around their cages - their huge cages - next to me, doing guinea piggy things. I've not heard them talk yet, though. Apparently their names are Patch and Mittens. Yes - they do smell, but no worse than children.

Coming soon: lolpigs.
'iz in ur house crapping on ur floor.'


Awww! Patch just rung his wee bell.

If i was a small furry animal living in a cage, i would be distinctly worried about my future if i was called Patch or Mittens.

However, you do seem smitten, so they may be OK, just don't traumatise them by leaving sewing kits in the same room.

They ring bells? Er, right. For room service or what?

zdt

Fed properly there's good eating on a Guinea Pig.

What? Whaat?

http://www.geocities.com/mart_eden/lastsupper.html

http://www.flickr.com/photos/eoinmcauley/1331102538/

They're very good for doing experiments on. Just inject them with more or less anything you fancy. Wait and see what happens. You might become famous. Win the Nobel Prize even.

I understand that researchers are turning to using lawyers instead of rats for experimentation. PETA has raised our consciences about harm to innocent animals. Also, there are some things you just can't get a rat to do.