h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

He did. I've never seen anything like it. The swelling didn't go down for months. *adjusts bosom*

Did he try *leans back and looks both ways* you know what?

*leans closer and whispers* More times than you can imagine.

Nothing? *lost, croaky voice*

Not a thing. Might as well have been *mouths inaudibly, adjusts bosom*

Nooooooooooooooo! *reaches into for hankie to mop brow*

*nods*

I think it's that that set off my... you know... women's trouble.

They still not sorted you out after the *whispers*?

*sound of someone playing piano quite badly can be heard in the distance*

Greig's piano concerto with.....him and him?

*sound of distant piano unexpectedly exploding*

*walks sheepishly offstage, sideways*

*resounding round of *
The meat pies have arrived.
'Appen anyone's got change for a fiver? They're short at the bar.

Well you know what they say about short barmen - it's better to have loved a short one, than never to have loved a tall...

I met a toothless termite in the pub the other day. He said to me, "Is the bar tender here?"

This blonde walks into a bar and asks the barman for a Double Entendre.

So he gave her one.

There was a knock at the door. I knew it was the mother-in-law because the mice were throwing themselves on the traps.

No, I've checked. It wasn't your mother-in-law. It was the bloke from Rentokill to see whether the mouse traps designed to look like mini mouse swimming pools were working.

A man walks into a bar. "Ouch!", he said.

Have you heard the joke that had no ending?