h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Haven't seen any badgers so far this year, but I thought it was time for a nature update anyway.

I have been much pestered by bees and wasps - mostly bees - in recent weeks, which is one of the hazards of working near an open window (which is in turn one of the drawbacks of smoking a lot; not one of the principal drawbacks to smoking a lot, obviously, but a drawback nevertheless and a near-at-hand one at that).

Anyway - the bees are rubbish. They're just not up to it. And the wasps aren't much better. We either need new bees, or the bees need to find some sort of motivation, a new lease of life - because, at present, they're just not cutting it.

The bee in question came buzzing around the window, in standard bee fashion, but then stopped off on the window-sill before he'd even begun and did that strange abdominal 'panting' thing that bees do. It looked knackered. The effort of getting up to a first-floor window had clearly worn it out. So instead of flying through the open window and menacing me (which is, after all, its job), it tried to crawl through the gap where the hinges are instead. In other words, it was trying to *walk* in and menace me, which just isn't very menacing.

It got stuck. It sat there, pinioned between the hinges and looked up at me as though to ask whether it really had to go through with it, whether there was really any point, whether I couldn't just consider myself menaced and it could get on with something else (a long lie down of some sort, presumably).

But then it rallied. It had a moment of self-awareness and it started buzzing angrily.

'Ah ha' I thought, 'here we go, this bee is going to start acting like a bee now, hooray for the bee.'

All it succeeded in doing was flipping itself over onto its back and it lay there for a bit, panting again. Then it started buzzing again, rolled over a couple of times - and fell off the windowsill.

Bees just aren't supposed to do that. I mean, fall off things: it's just not very 'bee'. I waited for a tiny thud ... but, after a second or so, there was a buzz and slowly the bee lumbered back into the air and meandered off, straining and wheezing.

Is anybody else finding this with their bees? Are modern bees just rubbish, or is there something more sinister going on?

I've just had some help making a sandwich from a wasp.

There I was attempting to slice some cucumber when Mr Wasp buzzed in, sat on my plate and pointed out that if I used a smaller knife, I'd be able to get thinner slices. Of course, I'm not used to taking advice from wasps so I tried to shoo him away with the knife, missing and putting a nasty gash into my plate.

Mr Wasp buzzed aound the kitchen, banging into the window while shouting that I didn't have enough lettuce to spread on my bread anyway, eventually laying down on the windowsil for a rest from the sudden activity.

I finished my sandwich by myself and I've not seen him since. I'm thinking of geting in touch with Channel 4 to get him his own Wasps Wok cooking show.

Diversifying into cookery and lifestyle programming is a good choice of direction for an ambitious young wasp.

Especially if he's got a good agent

'insects, they ain't what they used to bee'

I don't know about bees, but I can tell you California mosquitoes are "rubbish". They don't usually have them here cause it's a desert and all. But this year there's been so much rain, there is still water in the "rivers" but it's not really moving so it's standing water and potential mosquito farm. I've seen a couple mosqitoes here. They claim there have been instances of West Nile Virus here. I can't believe that the mosquitoes here had anything to to with that. They are clearly stupid. They don't seem to have any interest in biting. Normal mosquitoes would be landing and feeding on you in no time. These buzz around aimlessly looking aneamic.

I'm not sure but I think only one gender bites - it might be the females but if not it's the males... or they both do.


Am I sounding like a good documentary yet?

Close...

It's just the females that bite, usually. Nasty little things. I hate mosquitos.


But on the 'Exciting Nature Thing' front, we saw a hedgehog on our lawn a couple of days ago! That was cool. I've never seen a real live hedgehog in the wild (well, sorta - not in a cage, anyway) before. WHEEE!!!

Rubbish mosquitoes sounds all right to me. Maybe they're carrying rubbish viruses too ('oh, I just can't be arsed to replicate today')

Hedgehogs are never rubbish! (Though they do sometimes hide in rubbish).

Hedgehogs are cute. There was a cat out there that was driven absolutely hyper by this hedgehog. She'd go all stalking-y and hunting-y, make a sprint towards it, then suddenly stop a couple of cm from it and run away in frustration to furiously attack a flower pot, or a bit of grass, or a shadow. I suppose she had one bad experience already and didn't want to repeat it. She was very funny to watch.

In a kind of "I could get you, I am top predator round here, but I'm much more interested in sorting out this flowerpot and it's got nothing to do with those prickles" kind of way? Very proud, cats. Very insecure too.

Perhaps it was just tired.

Perhaps it had found a *special* flower....

Perhaps it was a lil poisoned by antkiller stuff....

Perhaps it was an alien flying machine that had been overtaken by alien teenage joyriders.

Perhaps you never really saw it at all and just dreamed the whole thing.

Yeah! What were you smoking at the time that caused the bees to need a little rest?

But it's *all* the bees! Not just that bee - he was only a sample bee, symptomatic of a more general bee malaise.

Now, I might just be imagining that general bee malaise ...



I was hoping for more widespread confirmation. Is it just my local bees that are rubbish?

Have seen very few bees or wasps this year
Suspect they are all confused by the very on-off Summer we're having this year

the bees are rubbish.
i dont know...... i think its not just you. i mean i havent even seen any bees yet this year. well there was one..... but it was just sitting on a flower looking innocent, so i dont really know.

I can't tell; all our bees seem to be hibernating this winter, for some strange reason...

"Are modern bees just rubbish, or is there something more sinister going on?" - Well you never can tell, with bees.

Defnitely something sinister
A shortage of bees in Canada, NZ and Europe
where have they all gone?

its a plot against us!
no more honey! no more pollenated flowers!!!

I know this! You are right Trin. I was reading about it the other day. Inbreeding means they've all turned into lazy rubbish males.

*fumbles through history file*
See: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/4605357.stm
"Since male bumblebees do no work, and have only one purpose -mating - a sterile male is worse than useless"

Yeah, I heard that.
They are nothing like humans where the average male works his socks off and never thinks of sex.