h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

'sright! jus' half a samwidge!

*Feels a Tommy Steel number fast approaching*

Arf a samwidge, is better than arf a fruitcake, is better than arf a tin o'catfood, is better than noooooonnee

Or possibly

Crash! Bang! Wallop wadda Badger!

Well, all right, I may mess around with the ecosystem a little. A couple of sandwiches wouldn't hurt - it's not like it's an invitation to a five-course meal

I dunno if you want to feed them, Trin. They might get come to expect you to be feeding them and start badgering you if you stop. What if they start stalking you. Can you get a badger restraining order where you live?

Hey, as long as they help out with the washing up, who am I to complain

If I give them sandwiches, are they likely to bring me something in return - slugs, beetles etc?

Maybe your neighbors' trash.

Wish they'd pop up here and eat these flying things - there's one on the screen right now! Geddoff!

The badgers? Sounds like you need to get some bats!

Not bats... Nooo! They are harder to get shifted than the badgers!

Funny you should say that...

Last summer, I was out round the side of the house, where there's a flat roof over the garage and I saw something high up on the wall. I got a ladder and went to have a look. And it was a tiny little bat, hanging on to the brick and staying very still.

I went up a bit further and, right near the mouth of the gutter, there was a little hole leading into the raised edge of the roof. I listened and there was all this chattering going on inside. I assumed the little bat had fallen out of the hole and couldn't get back up over the overhang. So I got hold of 'Boris' (who was either not very keen on the name or was pretty frightened - probably the latter - because he - or she, hard to tell with bats - took a fair amount of persuading) and popped him into the gutter. Sure enough, he scuttled off and popped down the hole.

So I waited till the sun was going down and went out to stand under this hole, imagining a couple of parental bats might pop out later. And a bat came out, flapped around in the gutter for a couple of seconds and then flew right out no more than a foot over my head. And then another one came out. Then there was a gap and I was just about to go when another one came out. Then another. And another.

Thirty-seven bats! The total space in there amounted to no more than a couple of shoeboxes, but there was a complete tribe of bats living in there. I loved going out there at dusk and watching them all come out - they'd all wake up about an hour or so before, bat-chat for a while, then take off, one after another, the whole thing taking about ten minutes or so.

Apparently, bats don't come back to the same hole year on year, so they almost certainly won't be back this summer. Actually, they definitely won't be back, because the hole was sealed up. But, in my list of nature things that have got me really excited, that's right up there with the badgers.

I'd forgotten all about that till you mentioned bats

My sister in law had them for 3 years... and once they are roosted you cannot move them.. they were in her attic.. and this was a modern house!

Aaahhh! - but they're so cute

(Admittedly, that thing which bats tend to produce in large quantities - and I'm not talking about little bats - isn't so cute)

If your sister-in-law doesn't want her bats, could she send them over here?

That is why she needed help.. they were smelling... and she needed to sell her house cos ex hubby needed his share... so someone went in and moved the majority of them.

The others went at the end of breeding and they closed off the hole!

It took two months cleaning before she could safely put the house on the market!

Oo - sounds horrid. I suppose bats don't take much interest in what goes on at floor level - and they must have a fairly high tolerance for bad smells too.

Ours were all outside the house, sealed off in the roof, so there wasn't any smell. They sure do get chatty just before they go out for the evening though - a really unique noise

And it was amazing standing there while they all flew out, just missing your head. I kept remembering that famous bit of David Attenborough footage, where he's standing outside the mouth of this vast bat cave explaining how, because of their radar, he can stand quite still and they'll all fly around him - and then half a second later this huge bat flies straight into the back of his head

Yes... I have felt bats touching my hair

Year ago, my Dad took me and the girls to stay in a caravan on a farm. So one night the girls couldn't sleep, so I put their coats and wellies on and took them for a walk round the farm and the lanes. Coming back the bats must have all just left their roost and they were everywhere!

I could feel them touching my hair and squealing, it was quite eerie and I must admit, I did not particularly like it. The girls both thought it was great!

I've just had a number 2 cut so if they touch my hair they've touched my head.

My Brother had a budgie that used to fly around the room and then land on his hair. My Uncle Fred (who is a bit deaf) went to visit him and the Budgie instantly took to uncle Fred. It flew around the room and went to land on Fred's head, skidded on his bald patch and had to go round again. This time it landed on his shoulder and the budgie said "Silly bu99er!"

We fell about laughing but Fred hadn't heard it and joined in laughing with the rest of us.

My Grandad was the worse person to leave a parrot or a budgie with for any length of time!

The poor bird would be corrupted within 3 days of Nan and Grandad caring for it.

Uncle Tom's parrot would learn rude ditties and his rendition of Old King Cole... well! Oh! Yes! Old Smokie wasn't covered in snow either!

Poor Uncle Tom. It would take him a full year to retrain the parrot and then........

I'm fascinated by the bats, Trin. I've heard you have to leave them well alone, otherwise the Batman sorts you out.

Cor! *open mouthed wonder*

A bat flew into the back of DA's head... I hadn't seen that episode...*chuckles* Clumsy wildlife!

Hate the smell of bats, but they are cool..that sound they make is odd cos you can't hear it as such, more that you are aware of it, and it makes your ears vibrate..

Speaking of eaves, there are a couple of sparrows (chickadees) under ours right now, right noisy they are too. We were in the pool yesterday in the back garden and mom and dad perched on the roof, watching us and announcing how cross they were at the audacity of us to splash around under their nest. They finally got over their issues and continued to feed their lil un's..whilst the G-force and I made lil whirlpools and currents.

I love nature

You do indeed have to leave bats well alone: if they come and find a roost under your roof, you're not allowed to do anything to disturb them or encourage them to move on.

I was very surprised to learn that they find a new place every year though (during the breeding season, presumably). That might be just this particular species of bats (Pipistrelles, I think).

Well, it has been a week - I'm beginning to think that this is a once in a decade thing. So, ten years ago - a badger. This year - four badgers.

Does that mean that, ten years from now, I'm going to be visited by sixteen badgers?

Hang on - that means that, if I make it into my mid-80s, I'm due to receive a visit, some moonlit night, from Four Thousand and Ninety-Six badgers

Where are they all going to go? Need a bigger garden, perhaps...