h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

but leave the bottle. I'm bizzzzzzzeeeee biz biz biz bizzz looking bizzeee.

Some drunks get mean and some get silly and I get mean and silly and funny. I'm funnier than hell when drunk. You can tell by all the drunks rolling on the floor under the barstools. See. Hah!! Hah!!

Ain't that funny? Yepppp

Okay next case.

In the matter of the first part overshadowing all the other parts let me just say if it pleases the court and even if it don't that there no small parts. There are only small partners or something of that nature.

This drip from the fountain of wisdom is brought Ponce de Leon Pontiac in Sarasota, Florida. Ponce wants to put you in a firebird in the worst way so come on out and help him out. You'll be glad you did and he'll be glad too and after all consumer spending is what's propping up everything right now and I do mean every little tiny thing you could think and more that you don't want to think of at least until tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow I'll stop sometime tomorrow or the next day or the day after that because it's sorrow tomorrow that makes me seem so bad that I can't find out nothing and don't give a damn crackcorn and I don't care.

You there Jimmy Cracker? You there dude? Whacking that pugnosed flush cheeked redneck. I love you dude and I love your blue tail fly my oh my. Kicking ponyturds so high in the sky by and by in the sky in the sky by and by.

I want you to know absolute that I'm on day two, or for the technically minded D2 and still going strong. Going to fly in sky by and by.

Loverly ain't it? H2D2 U2knew2fun2play2allU2foo2moo2cow2theprez2death2downwardandbackwardwegohohooops

Got to make another line too. Line 2 too.

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala oops is that too far?

Nope not now. Goody.

I'm a rummy and a dummy and my mummy thinks I'm crummy.

Oh so crummy down and dirty hirty girty bong.

So long until D3 then FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!

And on the third day she arose and fell in the toilet hah!!!

Clogging the precious indoor plumbing and bringing down
western civ no doubt bong!!! Bring out your dead!!! Bong!!!

Where's my friggin BONG!!!

So long farewell aufwiedersehen goodnight
I must be gone because I'm such a fright

DOODEEDOODEEDOODOERAYMEEFAHSOHLAHTEEDOE

Now everybody join in!!! Doe a dear a female dear hi dear
how's things at the office? dEar? You hear dear? You here dere?
WhereUbeendeer?

Gettiinn in some hah hah runnin form the law law laaaaaaaaaaa.

Bye bye
kshssish tinkle tinkle little star how I wonder waht you are
up above that world so bright like a diamond in the mighty
saves the day the mighty ones Xmen rated xmen oooo yep.

Down with monkey feet, there.

Going going done gone.................... oopssssss

Bing
bong the bitch is dead sticked bitch sticked bitch
bing bong the sticked bitch is dead!!

Hey ho the rodeo bulls and buck the show
bign bong the bicked ditch is wet.

WET ooopseee

Where's that friggin button? Oh ther

Wish I could get drunk!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't a clue what you're talking about Rusty, but you sure are a different person when you're drunk! Wish it was possible to share a bottle with you, but you're way, way away over the ocean. It'd be a blast. In compromise, next time I'm wasted I'll share one with you at least in spirit...actually that'll be tonight maybe, I'm seeing my a friend who'se taking advantage of her last chance to get drunk before she goes into hospital for an operation on her Krones disease. If we get drunk enough we might even have a wee sing-song for you - listen up, you might just hear us!

In the words of Val Kilmer doing his best imitation of Doc Holladay, "I have not yet begun to debauch myself," or "It's a nocturne, you know? Frederick f***ing Chopin?"

Which shows I trust that I am still quite totally in command of my frail faculties, all of them. I am totally supine I'll have you know and not in the least bit defibulated or compromised because my heart thumps audibly beneath my heaving bosom that trickles sweat into my navel.

I know my place in this world and claim it proudly so if you'd be so kind as to surround me with orange cones so some idiot in a minivan doesn't run over me I'd be much obliged. I've already got tire tracks on my ass and a crushed bottle to show for my pains, my sacred sacrifices to bring law and order into the land for the very first time.

Prophetess of doom, that's me. Use me now for I must stay but for a very short time before I start missing my mouth altogether and corn whiskey is a terrible thing to waste even if the corn is primarily grown for hog feed after the distiller gets all his genuine white oak barrels filled.

Then we fall back on that ancient Chalagi method of dousing the grain in gunnysacks and waiting for it to sprout before mushing and boiling it through copper tubing as long as a pig's gut watching it drip pristine and clear into dirty mason jars. Ah sweet elixir of the gods brewed lovingly by the light of the moon then loaded ponderously into the trunk of a 62 chevy. Ponder then how it cleans the carburator too. Cleans and purifies turning the whole damn world pearly white as the driven snow.

Where was I? Oh yeah, prophesy, the power of doom, mass instruction for the masses, clinging perilously close to the edge all the time. Give me liberty or give me a drink, your call. I'll do whatever you think's right, I'm only here to serve so serve me well garnished with wild parsley and watercress, cilantro and a side of potato salad.

How long has it been? Two or two and a half days? Depends on whether they're whole days or part days and which part is the day part?

Singing and flinging rocks to the beat of my ruptured heart. My feet firmly planted in the 16th century that foretold this one, prophetically it seems.

Analiese sees your bloody doom in vivid color cascading over the rubble. Burn me before I do it again!!!

But that's not the worst part, speaking of fire as I do from time to time. A fire in Kentucky destroyed a million gallons of Jim Beam. But it's only two percent of the inventory so I shouldn't fret but 98 percent I fear ain't going to be enough. I want it all!!! And I want it now!!! Life's so unfair when I can be denied a measly two percent don't you think? Denied what I crave to give my poor life meaning. Dare I hope for justice in denial?

Oh woe is me, and whoah there buckeroo!!! I was just thinking that if the barrels were full the races would be too. At least it's a start, 55 gallons jugs!!! Who needs friggin oil? That's for weenies in polyester, pungent stench in the armpits, chemical reactions you wouldn't even want to dream about.

Poison, poioioioison heeheeheeheehee, thought you were pretty cagey didn't you? Welllll...

Well I'm thinking it must be D3 already. My how time flies when you're flying!

Either that or Sunday's been way longer than I expected.

Yep, this proves does it not that I'm not your run of the mill amateur drunk but a true pro? And I don't even remember eating which will do wonders for my grocery bill unless it was that week old pizza. What the heck was that anyways? I think it might have been a combo slug and bean sprout one with extra jalapenos but I ain't sure.

But I might be confused you know? Heck I am confused no doubt. I can't even figure out where the pain is. It might be in my heart or my left sinus or elbow or even that old .300 Savage hole in my right thigh that sort of ripped up the muscle making it sort of problematic getting it balanced with the one on the other side a lot of the time.

My high power dancing career gone to heck in an instant. I could have been a star too, opposite Kevin Costner or whoever. But as my cousin used to say, "They could have made me a star but I was already a star and I could have made them rich but they were already rich."

Ditto on that.

So should I have just swallowed my pride and done the Underguide? Now that I think of it I also screwed up things for the CAC people a little too. Now everybody has to go to RCO just to read my stuff poor things. And I bet nobody even bothers most of the time.

If it ain't on the Beebsee it ain't sh*t right?

Oh well, we live and forget. What day is it again?

HEY JT!!! I just noticed you're still talking to me. What a pleasant surprise.

Yep, I'm one nasty slimy skanky slut when I'm drunk which probably makes your eyes light up like beacons in a storm, then again maybe not.

What the f**k is krone's disease? Sounds like something Klingons get when they're old and the trilobites fall off their foreheads.

But I'm up for a round or a reel or three. Let's bellow okay?

I don't know too many scotti songs though. Hurling in the Glen comes to mind for some reason. I think I got my intonation down on that one.

Well I was traysin' down the bonny lane
in the merry month of May
when what should I then chance to spy
but a byrne by name of Ray.

Now Ray he was a lusty lad
debauched through and through
and I had had a drink or three
but not too much mind you.

But Ray he knew me like a book,
the pages bent and frayed.
Took me 'hind the barn he did
and rolled me in the hay.

So raised we then the bottle
and drained it to the dregs
and Ray he chalked another
on his scoreboard with the pegs.

"How do you do it?" asked I of him
as he toyed with me hair.
"I lives an upright Godly life
ne'er passing maidens fair."

"Me too," sez me with ruddy cheeks
a basking in the glow.
"'Tis a blessing in the month of May
to roll them to and fro."

"Are ye bi?!! You'll go to hell!"
blurted he in shock.
"What if I am?" rejoined I then
"I still can crown a cock."

"Ah, that you can and well it's true,
but still it makes me blush."
"Well damn it all," sez I to him,
"you knew I was a lush."

"So have another drink me lad
before your tongue goes stale
and toddle down to village square
and find us some more ale."

So then he dressed and took his leave
bowing deep and low,
and what became of him that day
I guess I'll never know.

He might have found a pint of grog
and drunk it by himself.
But I found me another bloke
called Ralph but I calls him "Relf".

Well Relf and me were tight as drums
beating in the night.
A dream come true until that Ray
killed him in a fight.

But Ray did penance for his crime
all sorry and contrite
but soon he'll see the sun again
and pray with all his might.

"The day I met that Analiese,
that day I should have died.
She stole my wits and buried me,
in prison I abide."

"Do tell?" sez God me hears him now
upon his pearly throne.
"I blames her too the same as you
but I likes to hear her moan."