h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Maybe I'm coming down from all the drugs they gave me in the hospital. Maybe it's just that my friend and I have started e-mailing again and I thought I was over him, but I'm not, and now I feel like running in opposite directions, to him and away from him. I want him to share his thoughts with me and I hate the way it was so effortless for him, who just got picked up and carried away, when all I seem to do is get dumped by the side of the road.

Or maybe I'm just sick of never being quite up to scratch.

When I was little, and a teenager, I was too ugly for boys to like me, so it was a non-issue. Something that just wouldn't happen, something that would happen to my prettier, smarter friends. Then I grew up and I was increasingly less ugly, but still felt out of place, and I still wasn't good enough. My boobs were too small, I was too tall, I asked strange questions and expected answers, I thought a lot, I was good.

Then I made peace with the size of my breasts, with my height, the shape of my face, I was determined to turn into a brunette version of Jerry Hall. And so I did, high heels and all.

And I look at myself now and realize that all I have obtained is to have men treat me like I'm some sort of lifeless doll with no feelings. Or worse, I'm worshipped as a goddess and then left standing when they find out that, hey, I'm actually human. Or the worst of all: they leave me precisely because of the things that make me special. Other girls are less complicated.

The only one who wasn't afraid of me is happy with somebody else, and I feel I've missed my big chance, it's all over now, no one will ever really like me again.

And I'm thirty years old, hurt, upset, and have been insulted and told I wasn't worth much so many times that I'm starting to believe that maybe they're not all wrong. Maybe they have a point. Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe I should get used to being a lifeless doll, maybe even try to become one. Become bad and unreliable and bitchy. Use and abuse like I've never done. Kill my conscience.

I don't know how to handle this. All I know is that I can't sleep, and it bugs me that I've told Karen and Hati and all the girls here that they have to be strong and carry on, when really, I don't know how it's done.

From this point on, advice from me is suspended until I get a grip. If ever.

P.S. My stupid nose is like a leaky tap.

No one knows how it's done, unless they're a boddhisatva, and I have yet to meet one of those.
The only answer is to keep trying, be yourself and not to give up.
Be yourself, not what others expect from your appearance.
Be sure, that here in China, your boobs would be considered enviably large, and what man can handle more tha a mouthful?
Never forget the kindness of friends.

Greta,

I have reading your posting lately and I can only say that you are good friend for any one you meet. I know it is hard to see and look at yourself in an unbiased way, but your looks should not always be holding your back. my moto is

everyone is unique, equal and beautifull,
but never expect a normal being.
normal is like time a relative thing.

kids can so creal to other kids. you should try to life now. the past is life is like open sack of cement in the rain: it get stoney. to say differently

remember and learn from the past,
enjoy today and positivily embrace the future.

it is always enjoyment to read your postings!

e-greetings with ,
pheloxi
the mixer of bad emotion with s, love and good vibration. I have urge to make people feel good so if I send them thoughts with s, love and good vibration. A500383

It's not that I don't like the way I am. It took me a long time to get here and, given the source material, I think I did a good job with it. I took the shy, fragile and retiring girl that I was and turned it into a quite good specimen of human being.

There is always something missing, though. The feeling that I will always be alone, that I will never be truly loved for who I am, that I will always have to hide parts of myself in order to be accepted, when all I want is somebody who likes every single part of me and is unafraid of seeing the whole picture.

I can only be myself when I'm alone, and it's a pretty hard thing to pull off, having to put on a show all the time so people will like me more.

Is it any comfort if I say that this kind of feelings come and go?
I did a great job to look as bad as possible just to value more the real me, not the package. Now I am somewhere inbetween. And I fall to both sides. You have seen my downs and you know my reasons. I think it is allowed to feel bad sometimes, about whatever. This is the thing about good and bad days - how to recognize good ones without having seen bad ones?

Hati, what you said there reminds me of something that was said by the wise hermit in a book called "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. If you've not read it already I would hightly recommend it. Even if you're not a bookworm, it's only a small book and you can read it in a day - but you'll remember it forever.

I have to say that I've never seen any book by him. Not even in English.

Oh dear! How stupid of me - Google helps. Seems that I can read it online in my own language.
http://www.parnu.ee/raulpage/prohvet/

Cool - I hope you enjoy it
You too Greta! Buona sera

Hi Greta, Hey Its you remember the Greta who cheerd us all up when you said you were on top of everything Come on give us a smile
Thats better,Now you can sit down and tell Smudger a story
Smudger.

I haven't ever asked anyone this before, but I'm going to now.
Greta~
I really need you to believe in yourself. Who you are, what you do, and the wonderful, beautiful, valued, loved woman you have become through all of your life's growing pains.
A by any other name would still have thorns. Love and accept them as an integral part of you. Stop being your own worst critic.
Could you do this for me, please?
I am sort-of relying on you to be the wonderful person you are, because I am experiencing things I have never thought possible in my life, and I don't know how to face them.
I'm 40 years old, for goodness sake. Almost 41. I should know better.
You bring to light the things that I may not want to think about, but possibly need to, in a way that is caring and kind. Thank-You for that. I know you do things that way because of your own personal path - the things you have experienced in your life that are unique to you.
By the way, your nose will eventually stop running. My kid's Dad had a surgery like that, and it took over a month for him to stop leaking, but he felt it was worth it
I'm not much good here, for anyone right now.
I'm really tired, and should probably sleep I do have to check the in two hours.
Take care of yourself.
Be thankful you don't have a bunch of kids driving you batty now, to add to your unease!
(I keep telling myself that I love my children)
Karen

Karen

Not easy to love them all the time, eh? Sometimes I hate mine. For 2 minutes or so.

Hello all, I'm sorry I've gone quiet on all of you, but I'm unwell and sometimes talking helps, sometimes it doesn't.

My friends are being patient beyond the call of cuty, but I can't stop feeling substandard. I have to go back into therapy and see what I can doo about this.

In the meantime, take care of yourselves. Life goes on.

Life goes on s*cking, if you want to hear my opinion.

Not wildly dissimilar from mine, ATM.

Hi Greta, Let us know when you need help to sort things outif you feel pissed off, go to my stories (above my journal) and read frustratedthat was mne last week,
Smudger.

Hi Greta, though if you're feeling anything like me at the moment, 'high" isn't part of it.And possibly never will be again. "High" in the sense of having a lot of mental energy & not being over-willing to have this squashed into the compliant, docile image "they" prefer doesn't seem to be an acceptable character trait.

--believe me, I know all about the bl**dy bad days; and I honestly thought before all this most of the other days were good, for him as well as me. Just goes to show how wrong you can be. Just goes to show how even at the age of 47 I don't know a damn thing.

--I remember writing to you when you were feeling down about how it IS possible to find someone who will love YOU for what you really are. I thought I had. I was wrong. I can't give you any advice; it just seems like you have to accept that people like us are just not destined to have a close relationship in real life. The ONLY people who sent me a get-well card while I was incarcerated in a French loony bin for 10 days were people on here. I'm in the process of writing a book about all this; my only hope now is that other people might in some way benefit from my pain. Maybe you might want to consider doing something similiar?

--I really hope you are feeling better. If you feel a phone call or email contact with someone who really does know how you feel might help, Abbi has my details; also Karen. But be warned; if a male voice answers, it's . At the moment I'm in a position where I still have to share HIS house to use MY computer.

--take care of yourself. You do have friends Greta, they aren't the ones you might want in RL, but it seems to me they may turn out to be truer ones.
(if you discover a way of giving yourself a ; please let me know!)
--all the I've got to you.

Terri

Hi Greta, told you people care, espacially the ones who have gone through it
Smudger.

Hey, Greta, or anyone else reading this who may be feeling in a similar frame of mind to me & Greta; you might find it helpful to look at these comments & then go & visit a website I've just found called "thrivenet"(link later if I manage to type it in right)

--"can express feelings honestly...including anger, dislike, grief etc."
--"can think in negative terms in order to reach positive outcomes"
--"a good indicator of exceptional mental health is when a person says 'I would never willingly go through anything like that again, but it was one of the best things that ever happened to me' "
--"a complex mixture of opposite traits has a down side.It leads a few exceptional people to wonder if they are borderline schizophrenic.That they may have reached a successful form of schizophrenia is not valued by our culture"
--"(they are)..expected always to be strong.When they counter-balance optimistic thinking by anticipating what might go wrong, they can be mistakenly labelled as a negative person"
--"why is an exceptionally mentally healthy person psychologically abnormal?"

--for me, this guy seemed to make a lot of sense, especially in regard to the "be a good girl, or you won't get the nice toys to play with" bit.
--I've just emailed him, he does "how to be a survivor" courses by email. I'll let you know what happens. In the meantime, here's the address:

http://www.thrivenet.com

--another one I've found very good is this, proposing ways of helping mental pain without resorting to a "chemical cosh"

http://www.oikos.org
--especially see any reference to Gregory Bateson.

--hope this might help; at least it's made me feel a bit better, so has done some good for someone anyway!

Keep in touch, look after yourself,

Terri (Yoda still in a state of blissful ignorance, remind me to be reborn as a next time!!)

Today is the last sunday we will have baby Josh, and BOY! Am I ever glad!
He's a wonderful baby, but I believe I have to say that I am overwhelmed
In a few minutes, I have to go outside again to check the . There were two of them an hour ago that looked like they were straining and pushing
I feel like I should practice what I preach, and take some time for me I have certainly earned it
I think I will go to the this week, as my chest hurts like a bu**er. I may have gone and gotten pneumonia, because every time I go outside, I hurt worse
Karen