h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Ms Waz

Ahem.

I fear that the authorities may be a little ahead of us. The next ice-floe but one is already being used as an Asylum Seekers' Transit Facility. The one over there that's under consideration for prison development is proving a little controversial because of the radioactivity levels persisting from its 1960s MoD use. There are a few others dotted around, but nobody can remember which one is infected with anthrax.

Do you think we could maybe just have the fish, and call it square?

SYWM

Dear Mr. Pinniped,

We here at Homeland Security have considered your proposal with great interest.

Our analysis, however reveals that the human body is 78% liquid.

In view of recent events and our current ban on carry-on liquids, including bottled water and shampoo, I regret to inform you that your proposal is unacceptable to us, especially originating, as it does, from the United Kinkdom.

Respectfully,
Michael Chernoff
Director of Homeland Security and Hurricane Recovery
United States of America

Dear Mister or Mrs Pinniped,
I was distressed to learn that you are entering into the world of commerce. As the Business Sheep of the year, and Outstanding Business Animal of 3 of the past 5 years, I should hope you aren't trying to horn in on my turf, as it were.

Signed,

Dear Mr Doo-Doo

Thank you for considering our offer.

If it will be of any use, I can send a copy Mr Pinniped's certificate of inoculation against canine distemper. This proves at least, that he is either a seal or a dog.

Regarding the meeting in the park, the albatross has been dispatched to represent us, but I reckon she has about 6000 miles to cover, and she was complaining rather a lot.

Will around 5 am Tuesday be OK?

Dear Mr Sheep

Pinniped would not, of course, dream of horning you in any sense whatsoever.

In order to elimiate all risk of such a distressing eventuality, however, please send a great deal of fish as soon as possible.

Dear Mr Chernoff

Would you be interested in a fairly quick and easy method of converting the liquid water content of airline passengers into solid matter?

Dear Speak,

Good to talk to something with a sensible head on its shoulders. But 'Square' seems an odd name for such a business venture. I know it's fashionable to title businesses with random words but I cannot see that this conveys the right vibes in the travel business that the venture now seems restricted to.
Regards,
Waz

PS I note that not only are rumours of tax and export difficulties rife, but that there is at least one business shark now circulating in Pinniped's waters.

Dear Ms Waz

I'm sorry to have to inform you that the price has gone up, following representations from a potential overseas investor.

So it's now 500 fish for your 75% of the company (and you can have 100%, if you're prepared to settle Mr P's tax liabilities)

In the immortal words of that rather disconcerting Mister No Lemons - deal or no deal?

Dear Mr. Popeye,

I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Yours truly,
Wimpy

PS - you can call it whatever you like, as long as we get the fish.

Ahem.

Good Evening, Madam President.

Mr Pinniped respectfully advises that the nearest thing we've got to hamburgers is somewhat deep-frozen.

If you need fresh meat now, however, he says he'd be delighted to offer you whale steak.

Hey!

That'th a horrible thing to thay!

If you don't apologithe thraight away, you nathty theal, I'll be thick on you again...

Dear Speak,

Being frank, the involvement of DEFRA was cause for second, third, fourth and fifth thoughts. That Department couldn't shoot a Ruddy Duck if it swam under its nose. And I'm afraid I couldn't risk any questions being asked about the source of the fish.

Besides which, I have just seen a sure fire opportunity in hamburger distribution.

I regret that you will need to inform the seal, when he's finished his lie down, that it's a no-deal. I am howver, for a reasonable fee, willing to advise on the naming of the company.
Yours,
Waz

Bugger.

I don't suppose Oiksome is going to be too pleased about this.

Still - at least he's rid of the albatross for a couple of days.

Night all...

SYWM

Dear Mr Pinniped

I regret that I have been silent on your excellent plan to secure air transport. May I point out however that you have missed the obvious and economical venue of the "In Flight Film" an educational documentary selection forced upon the cabin passengers early in the flight is certain to force them all into involuntary lethargic state for the duration of the flight. My last few flights would have been far more enjoyable in less conscious state of mind.

F S