h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Bassman

That makes me feel a lot better Bassman

An oldie but a goodie:

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night, celebrating Ireland's soccer game tie with Germany.

Mick, the bartender, finally says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy."

Paddy replies, "Right, I'll be on my way then."

He spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "Shite, Shite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus...I'm fockin' focked!" he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No fockin' way."

But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says, "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee. "Get up, Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

..Sorry if you sat there re-reading and tilting your head 90degrees to each side,trying to figure out a point, Bassman. Probly a bit too Chinesie. My apologies. I was carried away. I promise i´ll try to do better from now on. ..

A.D.

Give me your best shot then....



Bassman

This one is beggin for crumbs in Kandahar , but just maybe u havent heard it lately.. :These are the days of old, era of sailingvessels
A young cabinboy onboard a transatlantic tramp voyager comes ashore after his first crossing and rounding of the Cape Horn. It´s been 2 months,He has now tried eating dried, maggot-enriched bread, been severely beaten by a drunk mate, vommited from 60feet aloft, in short: He feels almost like a real sailor. All he needs to complete the picture is visiting a prostitute. So, he puts on his best clothes, shines his boots, treats his ponytail with a fresh layer of tar-varnish, and merrily strols down towards the ill-reputed district that can be found in the vicinity of any harbour worth mentioning. As he gets there he realizes that them local women are used to better pay for their services, than he´s able to afford on his lousy salary, each of them laughs at him, and points him further down the dark alleys. But finally, in the very last house at the end of the row, an old, bulky pintsnapper takes pity on him and invites him in.
She´s not pretty, to say the least. In fact she´s horrendeous, but he figures, -what the heck-, and goes upstairs with her. In the moist little room stands a crammy, dirty bed, crawling with lice, on which She sits down and takes out her fake teeth. And her left eye."I´ll juust have to blow out the candle", he thinks.. Then the wig. As she start to unscrew her right leg, he´s having second thougts, and when she takes of the bra, complete with breasts, he changes his mind, and runs down the stairwell.. As he reaches the road below, she sticks her head out the window, and yells"HEY,sailor.. Didnt you want to have some pussy, or what?" ..He looks up and replies; "yeah,well.. Cant you just toss it down to me,then?" ..

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

Bassman

I have seen a variation on this theme used in an ad:


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out
and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the
boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know
about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like
to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the
family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."

..
This one is nicked from the latest edition of "Newsweek"..
Saddam Hussein, Taha Yassin Ramadan and Tariq Aziz sits on a balcony, when a flock of geese flies over.. "shoot ´em down,Rama" sez Saddam.
The V.P. takes aim with his A.K. and empties a clip in the air, but does´nt hit anything. "bah!..You try then,Tariq" sez saddam..
The D.P. also empties his A.K., and misses..
"Damn, how comes i have to do everything myself?" Saddam grunts, and empties five clips in the air.
...Still not a single goose falls..
-Awkward silence..
Then Tariq points at the receding flock and sez;
"My god, would you look at that! Dead birds flying!.."

Another one:
A tv-interwiever asks an American, and Afghan and an Iraqi ,in turn;
"What is your personal opinion on electricity shortages?"
The american replies -"whats a ´shortage´?"
-the Afghan "Whats an ´electricity´?"
-the Iraqi "Whats a ´personal opinion´?"

A.D.

hopefully i will remember this one at an appropriate time!

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room
and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest
of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love
you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black
eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm
married'!"

In honour of Kes and Mari-rae's impending nuptials:

Why is the bride always smiling when she walks down the aisle?

Because she knows she has given her last blowjob

First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, “Harry, what is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough.
She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry
can go to the 3rd grade
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks: “What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?”
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?
Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants”
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: “Coconut”
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: “Bubble gum”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman
does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: “Shake hands”
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that
means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong !”

I thought that he was going to get sent back to the first grade, because he didn't give the answers a third grade student would have.



Bassman

Agree,..
..could be maybe the point that the teacher is trying to get at?
Sez more about school, than about the intelligent brat in quiz..
..good story, but trixifficult to remember all those answers,
-especially the math-ones..

A.D.

You guys!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Diamondbacks baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park.
The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
Think!

Think some more!!
 
 
 
 

 
 
Answer:  It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded

I'd love to say that I split my sides laughing at that, but being from over the pond....



Bassman

...being over the pond...what? You've got no sense of humor?
(how many 'u's do you Englishmen spell humor with?)

2, the same as down here

...*looks down...sees Linus...*
Got any jokes down there<?>

>A GIRL'S PRAYER:
> Before I lay me down to sleep,
>I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
>One who's handsome, smart and strong,
>One who's willy's thick and long.
>One who thinks before he speaks,
>When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
>I pray that he is gainfully employed,
>and when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
>Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
>massages my back and begs to do more.
>Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my
mind,
>knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's
my behind?"
>One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
in the hall,
>the garden and kitchen!
>I pray that this man will love me to no end,
>and never attempt to shag my best friend.
>And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
>I look at the d*ckhead you sent me instead.
>Amen