h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

what *does* one do when one finds one's self attracted to someone you "shouldn't" be?

Common sense says ignore it.

But it isn't that easy

You have my sympathy, MR. In my dating days I was a champion at finding inappropriate objects of interest.

well I can offer sympathy, if you work very hard on ignoring it, it is possibly in my experience. But I very very rarely say no to anything.

[OoC]
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Go to the individual in question. Strike up a conversation. Listen attentively. Laugh in the right places. Maintain eye contact. At an appropriate juncture, ask in an easy-going manner, "Since you already seem to be 'taken', tell me...are there any more like you at home that are unattached?" Get the address and phone number. Proceed to stalk the other individual until you develop a bizarre relationship, just like the rest of us...

[\OoC]

MR, I really wouldn't work at getting involved with someone who you (as you yourself have mentioned) should not try to attempt a relationship with. Don't set yourself up for complications and heartache. Love should be tempered with a bit of critical thinking. Take a deep breath and make a pro/con list. Consult with friends close to you, who can give you solid input on the situation. They can also ward you off from a potentially destructive situation, if you let them.

One last thing. There's more people out there, if this one is inaccessible, any one of which would be more than an exceptional match for you. Keep looking. You'll BOTH know it's right when you find each other.

B4idialDearAbby4U

I have a big issue with starting a new relationship while still in another relationship, no matter what condition the original relationship is in. I think that the first should be dealt with before embarking on something new. It is a matter of honesty and integrity which is very important to me.

Please know that I am not judging you and your feelings in any way. In fact, all feelings are valid. It is how we choose whether or not to act upon them that is important. This is purely my opinion for whatever it may be worth to you.

MR if the STBX is aware of your situation then I believe it consitutes not being in a relationship, even if you are technically married on paper.. Well that's my believe, but I tend to believe going for the experience and folloing your .

But then again, you know you're situation best..

I entirely agree that one relationship has to be ended before another is embarked upon, I have been the victim of such a situation and so has H. It leaves a shadow permanently. It is something I have talked over with the sons too as it can have such an impact on people's lives.

But you haven't stated here that this is your situation MR, and there are lots of circumstances that can make a relationship inappropiate/unsuitable. However in lots of cases those can be worked through and you need decide if that is possible for you.

It's just me being me. The person in question and I had a long conversation last night (when i was just drunk enough to be honest, but not so drunk as to be stupid...that was later), and basically, both of us are scared to death by the idea of dating each other, but acknowledged that there's something there...

And yes, I would have to be divorced first.

So it's more a timing issue than him being unsuitable in some other way? That's not so bad.

As it is a matter of STBX, at least your previous relationship is all but done and dusted so the problem is 50% sorted.

There's also the little matter of that awkward transition from being friends to being something other than friends. Which is always tricky.

H and I managed it, although we were friends for only 4 months or so before we released we fancied each other something rotten

Did you ever think about the fact that you were losing that friendship? I think that's what's really getting to me is that I enjoy this person's company a great deal, and I am concerned that if we take it somewhere, and it doesn't work, then what?

I like hanging out with him too well to screw that up.

see what I mean by the argh??!!!

Make a pact to continue to treat each other as "friends" all throughout your upcoming relationship. Keep sight of how it feels to honor the other person's feelings, and take care of each other's heart. THAT's what friends are for. And it's something even a married couple can do. They just have to make the commitment to uphold the friendship, as well as the marriage relationship. My wife and I wouldn't have been able to keep going for so long if it weren't for that...and basing our marriage on biblical guidelines. Great wisdom there, if one simply applies it.

B4igetlongwinded

2late

I tend to shy away from getting into relationships with friends, because I find my friends tend to stay around longer,and mean more to me than partners.. But that's probably me.

Once we released how we felt (he said he was aware of his attraction for me before I was aware of him, but I had two others to consider) it just seemed a natural step to move into the next phase.

After 11 years together, H and I are still friends, best friends if that doesn't sound too trite. It ~can~ work and sometimes you just have to take that leap. We had both been on our own for sometime and were wary of committing to each other and having to learn to live with someone all over again, so it was pretty scary.

Mind you, when he is away for a night or two, it is rather nice having the bed to myself again, going to bed early, spreading books and mags on his side and being able to read for as long as I want. Cassie enjoys it too as she gets to sleep on the bed all night!

I think the only thing tricky about getting involved with friends is that it couldn't be anything other than an attempt to start something serious, or you probably would lose them. Unless you were both agreeing to keep it light, although I can't see that continuing unless you were both that kind of people anyway (I'm tying myself up in knots here. Pull up, pull up!).

But then the good thing about it is that when it works it works very well indeed, as Caer and H can attest.

Yes, that's put me off going further with quite a few people. Most of my very intense friendships end up being relationships without sex, I even considered getting a joint morgage with one of them. A and I have jokingly refered to it a few times as well. I guess I see my future sharing a house with a friend or two rather than a partner anyway.

I am too inexperienced with relationships to say much one way or the other, MR. I will say that I would not date a married woman until the divorce is finalized. Maybe by then the problem will have worked itself out...