h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm still unsure about posting this. It will probably bite me on the bum at some point in the future, but I just need to organise my thoughts somewhere.

My father-in-law passed away of bronchial pneumonia at 10:30am Sunday 20th November 2005, and his funeral took place at his village church yesterday, Thursday 1st December 2005 at 1pm - though we and Dad didn't actually arrive at the church until about 10 minutes late, which was fitting as Dad had hardly ever (possibly never) been on time for anything during his lifetime.

Dad had been in decline for at least two years, and we almost lost him about 18-months ago when he contracted Clostridium Difficile (C. Diff.) during what was supposed to be a short stay in hospital to alleviate symptoms of Diverticulitis. He ended up being in there for 3 months, followed by a 3-month stay in a rehabilitation ward. Because of this infection, he lost his last little bit of mobility and was left severely weakened in terms of his physical and constitutional strength, and his morale.

Dad's quality of life for the last 18-months had been growing increasingly poor, and it was clear that depression was setting in strongly too. Hardly surprising since he was becoming less-and-less able to do anything for himself any more.

I comfort myself that perhaps it was his time and he was ready to go. Then I feel guilty for this - how can anyone be 'ready to go'?

I'm glad for him that he's not suffering any more pain or the humiliation of having to have nursing care to the point where he was as incapable of self-care almost to the same level as a new-born, but how can I be glad? Isn't life like that preferrable to no life at all? He fought so hard to stay with us, and it seems so unfair that he had to suffer this way.

Dad was a wonderful human being; he didn't deserve to end up like that.

He was a great employer while he had his own business - as testified by the fact that his employees stayed loyal to him for decades, and came along to show their respects yesterday despite him having sold the business to retire almost 18 years ago.

He made me instantly welcome to the family even before J and I were married and was always there to help when we needed him, but never interfered or gave unsolicitied advice.

He was genuine, with no 'airs and graces', kind, patient, loving - though not in an openly demonstrative way, except with my son (his only grandchild) - generous, had a wry sense of humour, and was a genuine pleasure to know. He was quick to smile - a smile that was always genuine, infectious and lit up a room; it was impossible not to smile in return.

He died with my two brothers-in-law at his side - J and I were just 2 minutes too late in arriving, though I hope he knew we were on the way - peacefully and surrounded with love.

Dad will be loved and remembered by many people, not just the family, for a very, very long time to come.

I miss you, Dad, and love you more than I ever had chance to tell you.

Rest in peace.

I'm not sure if you want anyone to respond to this, or if you were just trying to clear your thoughts.

Personally, I think a lot of people (most people) would prefer not to have to live in the sort of manner you describe. A lot of people would rather it just ended, particularly if their illness is prolonged and/or chronic.

"He died with my two brothers-in-law at his side - J and I were just 2 minutes too late in arriving" - that's very sad, but I'm sure he did know you were coming.

Many sympathies to you and your family, Ancrene.

My condolences, Ancrene. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Strange coincidence or otherwise but I was just checking out your PS earlier this morning becaue I hadn't seen you around for awhile and I wondered if something was going on.

I'm very sorry for your loss and feel that your relief at him no longer suffering is a very loving and compassionate response.

You were all lucky to have known each other from the sound of it.




az

"I comfort myself that perhaps it was his time and he was ready to go. Then I feel guilty for this - how can anyone be 'ready to go'?"

Yes, I think they can be. Both my grandmothers died at the beginning of the year, within three months of each other. One was crippled with oesteoporosis and had been ready to go for a long time - she held on to see all her kids one more time, then didn't fight the pnemonia that she got.

My other grandmother had kidney problems that couldn't be treated without the treatment killing her. After a three month hospital stay, she told my mum how very tired she was, and she died a week later. They had both lived into their 80s, had brough up their kids, and grandkids, and had been around long enough for great grandkids. One had lived 20 years after her husband, the other ten. I think yes, they were ready.

my next older brother (10 yrs older) died 12 years ago. i still miss him dearly, especially as because of the age difference, i had only recently matured enough for us to become friends. but when he died (of complications from diabetes, including kidney and lung failure, and he had become almost blind too), my mom and i wished he had died two years early in a car accident instead of suffering through so much misery.

sadness and mourning is for those who are left behind and alone. *THEY* are free and without pain.

in iran, one of the condolence phrases is "may this be your last sadness." my brother always interpreted it as "may you be the next to die." life goes on - however difficult it seems.

and i understand completely how you feel about being too late. i was out of town, the first warning i had was arriving at home and seeing the black ribbons at the door.

My Dad died just after I last saw him - a trip I had to make to Canada to secure my Spanish residency a few years ago.

So, saw my Dad, hung out with him, had a nice time. Then when I got back to Spain I heard he'd checked himself into a hospital for tests - they found seven cancers. He died two weeks later.

I was told he was 'hanging on' to see me again. I also knew that since his second wife died, also of cancer, he had pretty much lost the will to live.

So yeah, I do reckon that some people are ready to die, can even see it as a relief.


az

What is it about death? No matter how we treat someone while they're alive - we still have "regrets"

I've been to 3 funerals this last month - and at the last one I felt like a voyeur because it was my ex-father-in-law whom I last saw when my grandson was a toddler and I took him round for a visit.

I feel like I'm surrounded by death and impending death - and I feel very old.

Enjoy life sweetheart - you're a long time dead.

Thank you all for your messages - they are very much appreciated.

Friday (the day I posted the journal entry) was a particularly bad day - possibly post-funeral aftershock? - and I was feeling all the grief that I had expected to feel at the memorial service but didn't - or at least not as strongly.

Today I have a better sense of equilibrium and, although I have a thousand-and-one questions that only Dad can answer, I have a more wistful feeling than grieving.

I envy J; he has dealt with the loss of his father so much better than I have. However, I think this is because J has actually been grieving for the father he lost two years or so ago for that long already. Dad's passing has been, for him, definitely the release Dad needed. And I think he's right. I definitely wouldn't want to go through what Dad did, so why would Dad have wanted to?

Az - re. the hanging in to see loved ones one last time. I think you're absolutely right about that. Dad died exactly a week after J took Boy Wonder to see him, and I remember J commenting when they came back that Dad had sat there just staring at BW with a great smile on his face from the time they got there until they left. Dad didn't have the strength to hold a conversation, but the pleasure at BW's presence during that visit anyway was unmistakeable.

GB - I think having regrets, no matter what you have done for someone, is a very natural part of the grieving process. No one could have done more for Dad than my younger brother-in-law yet he has great regrets, despite us telling him that, of all the family, he is the one that should have the least reason for them.

I have every intention of enjoying and living life to the full, GB, as should you - though I understand that your caring nature and responsibilities puts the kybosh on that to some extent. I so wish things were different for you and that your life was easier.

There has been far too much of my time spent with my head stuck in textbooks to the detriment of time spent with J and BW, not to mention the rest of my family and friends. Time I took myself in hand and got the work/life balance sorted out, methinks.

Ancrene,

When people are loved like that they sometimes hang on, and on, because that is what their loved ones want, and they need "permission" to let go this life and find peace.

Your Journal was the most beautiful and loving tribute anyone could ever wish for, and you should show it to his family.



Websailor

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, and I agree with Websailor that your journal was a beautiful tribute to him. It sounds like you have many, many happy memories to remember him by, which is one of the best tributes, I think.

As for work-life balance, I think you can never spend too much time having a life! Don't rush into anything, as I'm sure he would want you to carry on and get the qualification you want, rather than waste all your hard work; but I hope you can sort out the balance that works for you.