Journal Entries
saturday
Posted Nov 26, 2007
Haven't been here in a while.
I am feeling much better at the moment.
but then, i have a massive secret to get off my chest.
My Boyfriend asked me to marry him!!!(I said yes)
that is all i have to say
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Latest reply: Nov 26, 2007
Friday
Posted Oct 12, 2007
I am worried about my medication. I don't think it's working very well any more. perhaps I should talk to the doctor again. I would, but it's all complicated with whether i'm actually registered any more.
I am becoming paranoid that i might be Schizophrenic. I don't know what to do about that. I keep reading all kinds of stuff about it. sometimes i hear voices. not loudly, more background stuff, repeating the same thing over and over whilst i'm thinking about something esle. I also get thought disorder (i think that's what it's called) I frequently can't concentrate on things and have hazy thoughts, that dart about all over the place so that people can't really keep up.
I don't know if i'm only being paranoid though. Before i was diagnosed with deppression i thought i had Manic Deppresion. The doctor has decided that i don't, but the general explanation of clinical deppression doesn't seem to explain everything.
Sometimes i have such clarity of thought. And logic will lead me in crazy circles, or to wierd conclusions. yesterday i wrote that if i consider myself to be real i must consider the people in my head to be real too. i won't go into that now, but G K Chesterton said that it was those who thought most logicly of all that were in asylums, they had logicaly convinced themselves of untruths and driven themselves mad.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I will have to talk it over with my councillor, and then maybe i'll go see the Doctor again. I don't want to make a fuss, but i want to know what's going on in this stupid head of mine.
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Latest reply: Oct 12, 2007
Thursday
Posted Oct 11, 2007
nothing in particular to do today. I guess i should get on and write something usefull, but haven't had the energy. Returned a DVD to the Library. I ought to do the washing up, I ought to have done the washing up days ago, but can't be bothered. I feel hot and tired. It is cold outside. I must have slept for 13 or 14 hours last night, but i still feel drowsy. I really ought to cook myself a decent meal, but i can't do that until after i've done the washing up which i can't be bothered with. I was going to go into town, but i can't remember what for, so there's no point going because unless i remember i'll only spend more money on stuff i don't need. feel like i ought to be doing something. cant even be bothered to type with both hands. thats how slugish i'm feeling. made myself a hat last night, wearing it now, looks quite nice. Ben (my boyfriend) called last night. nd i talked to Richard, who called to for nearly an hour.ought to do some 'work'
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Latest reply: Oct 11, 2007
A Better day (but fire alarm woke me up)
Posted Oct 10, 2007
Today is a better day than yesterday. I have no lectures today (that's not a reason it's better, i'm just not so deppressed, i actually like going to lectures) Today is normally the day that i see the councillor Katy, but she is ill today. I hope she gets better soon.
I haven't slept terribly well because last night the fire alarm went off at half past two in the morning. Everyone in the building had to go downstairs and stand outside in their dressing gowns for ten minutes. The guy whose room set the smoke detectors off is on my course, he brought some friends back and they set it off, they were probably smoking or something. Today when i went downstairs he had put up a grovelling letter of apology on the front door. It was actually quite frightening, it was so loud. I woke up already sitting up in bed, and ad to find my dressing gown, then i couldn't find my keys, and it was dark. I had to find my keys because otherwise i would have been locked out all night like some other girls downstairs, they had to call the site steward back to let them in. It was scary when i got out of my room, because there was no one about and a load of doors were closed that i've never even noticed before so i couldn't find the stairs.
It took me over an hour to get to sleep after that.
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Latest reply: Oct 10, 2007
Deppression
Posted Oct 8, 2007
today is not a good day. I've had worse days, but this is the worse day since i went on the anti-deppressants. I wish i could curl up in a little ball and make the world go away. I wish the crap in my head would stop, and i could be at peace. I am wondering if i shouldn't be on a higher dose, i've been getting down alot more in the past week. the other day i caught myself having the images that i used to get, i haven't had those in a while. they are disturbing. It's like flashes of scary images where people are being stabbed, there's lots of blood and pain. sometimes it's me doing the stabbing, sometimes it's just happening by itself. sometimes it's the person in front of me that's being hurt, and sometimes it's someone i love, and i have no control over it. i don't know what it means. But it hurts inside, it makes me feel guilty and bad, and sure that there must be something wrong with me. i'm glad it doesn't happen so much any more, but i want to know why it happened the other day when i thought i was happy. I want to stop worrying about myself and concentrate on just being myself. i feel so stupid and arrogant, it hurts.
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Latest reply: Oct 8, 2007
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