peacenik_vogon is armed, dangerous, and knows where her towel is.

Hello, Researchers. Finally, I have joined the Guide, the Galaxy's most powerful organ (depending upon whom you ask).
This is my story, which bears a startling resemblance to me: it is short, fat, grumpy, and, in places, slimy. Also, cruel people think it reeks.
My name is Peacenik Vogon Pythia. I was born several centuries ago, but am only some twenty-five Standard Cycles old, due to a freak accident about which I promise to grouse later. My peacenik career began immediately after a long trick with the first-ever Vogon Constructor Fleet, which was meant to result in the demolition of two planets in the Nugget Galaxy (little-known neighbor of the Milky Way). This demolition job quickly mushroomed into our biggest war in weeks, because apparently the life forms on the two planets didn't want to have thier homes bulldozed while they were still using them. Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz the First decided to blast them to Kingdom Come, and I was all for it to begin with; frankly, I was bored. In fact, I had begun to work off my energy by beating myself up when left unoccupied for a long time. However, war also became boring in its course. Upon smashing the two planets, we returned home to glory, honor, and all the jewelled crabs we could eat. But the whole war idea had got me down, so I spent most of the time wondering how I'd deal with it when the next war came up. It suddenly came to me, like a divine vision, or a bolt of lightning!
I wouldn't fight wars anymore. Simple, yet insane.
Here is why it was insane. The day following my revelation, I told everyone I knew that I would quit fighting wars.
My mother said, "Vogons never quit anything! Shame on you!"
My boyfriend said, "What about the money- er, your future? How will I afford that color TV- I mean, how do plan on spending the rest of your life?"
My commander never said a thing. He just tried to blow me up. I took the hint and started a revolution.
The campaign went well. Vogons like things to fight for, even if that's fighting about not fighting anymore. I was in charge of lots of froody stuff, and I wasn't bored. When factions tried to rise, I had them shot. Those good times would not last, though.
Being a Vogon is all about aggressiveness. Mine had no outlet, me being the first Vogon peacenik and all. To calm myself, I designed the most powerful alchoholic drink known to the universe, the Atomansplitzer. Squashes the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster like a ton of gold bricks. This drink led to my exile. While drunk on the 'Splitzer, I very nearly got assassinated by Vogon Jeltz the Second and his pack of idiot kids. So my followers decided to send me to an unknown corner of the Galaxy to orbit a small, unregarded yellow sun until everybody decided to quit yelling, arguing, and decapitating thier enemies with picket signs.
My flight would have gone without a hitch had my cryogenic pod not intersected with: 1) a time warp and 2) the flight path of a ship that looks like a burgled file cabinet. One thing led to another and I found myself stuck here on Earth some two hundred years after my own time with a two-headed salvage guy and his semi-cousin.
This cousin said he researched for the Guide, and being bored as usual, I signed up to be a researcher as well. I'll tell you what, writing this Bio has been more distracting and less dangerous than a 'Splitzer ever was.
Well, that about wraps up my first entry. To add a cultured note, I wanted to type in a verse of Vogon poetry, but my preview audience died of strange intestinal malfunctions. Thusly, I have decided to copy the words to my favorite rock song instead.



Moving stuff, I think. (See my entry on "The Septic Tanks.")

Signing off, Peacenik Vogon Pythia


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