h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Because the doctor was examining me to determine whether or not I was disabled, for disability benefits, he wasn't allowed to TELL me what he was going to determine, or even what my pain was, or whether or not it will be going away any time soon.
I have another dr appt on January 5th with a psychiatrist, to see whether or not my severe depression is permanent, and therefore a reason to give me disability benefits.
I just want to be able to work, but people keep telling me that daily thoughts of suicide are NOT normal. Really? I've had thoughts of suicide for at least the last 15 years. I've attempted twice before. Nobody cared then. Heck, nobody cares NOW.
I just take up space. At work, when I'm working, at home, and at any event I'm unfortunate enough to be invited to. Everybody would be a lot happier if I just went away. And believe me, I wish I could. Even if they weren't actively happy, they wouldn't notice my absence.
Between my back and my thoughts of suicide, I doubt I could find work. Everybody wants service with a smile, and I have no smiles to give. I'm in too much pain, and I'm tired of faking it.
Oops, gotta go. My brother is dragging me out to dinner. I don't know why he wastes his time and money on me.

*sigh* Don't talk like that hun - please - it upsets me worse ton know youi're feelin' so down! I hope thhe psychiatrist can do something & that relief is just around the corner! Merry Christmas to you & yours hun...& all the Best in '05, including relief for the back! Big

Hey Jaz-
I don't want to come on hootoo and be all depressed and apathetic, so I stay away. But that sometimes(ok, all the time) makes things worse.
I don't want to come on here and be all doom and gloom, but nobody here in so called "reality" gives a d*mn about my feelings. I literally can go days without seeing my family, and they don't even come knock on my door to see if I'm okay. It's not like it is a huge trailer, either. Its only two bedrooms, and less than 70 feet long.
But sometimes I feel that if I did it, it could be days before they even realized they hadn't seen me in a while. And if I went for a walk, and noone saw me leave, I could end up dead, and they would think I was "sulking" in my room.

Someone please tell me, IS there a difference between severe depression and "sulking"??

Yeah hun, as far as I've heard there Certainly is! I'm not any kind of expert on it though & couldn't articulate the fine points (even though some of them were outlined to me years ago.)

I can understand your staying away I guess, I'm just glad you're on now!

I wasn't going to come back on. But my brother didn't listen when I said I didn't need an internet connection on my computer, and spent $70 just so I could use my own computer, and not have to ask to use his, so now I can get online whenever I want.
I think maybe being addicted to the internet can be a good thing. But I'm on now, and feeling very level, at the moment. My brother took me and my parents to a nice Italian restaraunt, and then we all went to a movie in Albuquerque.
I laughed a lot. But I'm still depressed. How can I laugh, and still be depressed? Very carefully.
I am glad to be here though.

That's good hun, I'm glad too! So, which movie did you see?

"Taxi" with Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon. Better than I expected it to be, if you go in with low expectations. Previews gave away too much, as usual. Sheesh!
But it was funny. It's almost midnight, and I'm nowhere near Tired! You staying on long?

Oh yeah Great movie! I loved that when I saw it. Yeah I'm here for awhile...how's your back?

As good as its been, which means only that I've learned to shut out the pain. I know my body is trying to heal, I sleep for 12-14 hours every day. Of course, that's also a sign of depression, soooooo.....
So how's your neck of the wood?
Did we ever figure out if we're in the same time zone?
I can't remember.

Thimgs're ok right now, we've got a fair bit of snow & the temp's dreopped in the last while, so it's more like Dec.'s years ago...before Global Warming. I think we're in the same zone, my clock - which might be a bit fast says 12:06.

drEopped

Yep, definitely same time zone. But I'm so jealous! Actual snow?! I know they keep talking about global warming, and the jet stream has moved, bringing colder weather further south, but we just do NOT get enough moisture. Every year the threat of the city running out of water gets worse.
So, where do you work? What do you do, when not online?

Yeah I caught the news item about the snow in Amarillo yesterday. Up here weathers just not terribly consistent anymore. I mean one month of winter consists of; 1 week of Nov.-like temperatures, a couple days of Feb. or March-like weather, a week ofDec.-Jan. type weather, then more warm stuff. Kinda messes with the head!

Oh, yeah! I have to keep out my whole wardrobe- never know when it will be warm enough to wear short sleeves, and never know when it will get so cold I have to wear actual clothes (in layers!) to bed! Yikes! And I want to move to Seattle!!!
I must be a masochist!
Although, after watching "Bowling for Columbine", I wanted to move to Canada. That movie made me ashamed to be a US citizen.

But yeah I've heard about the lack of water there. Places like Denver, etc. Not good stuff!

Actually hun I'm disabled & out of work right now, but try to stay reasonably busy. Considering some retraining but I shouldn't wait too long on that.

Well Canada Was idealized a bit in Bowling For Columbine, y'know the artistic thing, for contrast!

AWRIGHT! We can start a club!!!

But seriously, what do you want to do? Is your disability connected to you bout with pneumonia a little while ago? A cause, or an effect?

In a perfect world, I'd be a writer. I also would like to go back to school to be a teacher. I've always wanted to teach High School English, inspire young people to love literature, do my little part to stem the illiteracy rising tide!

I had done years of library work but really want a change. Right now I'm even thinking something part-time. The disability stems from surgery I had years ago to remove a non-cancerous brain tumor, so kind of a cause of the pneumonia.

Wow. How are you now?

Ok for the most part. It was a l-o-n-g road back if y'know what I mean (the brain is a very sensitive & complex organ). Still have trouble with my sense of balance & coordinating fine movements, things like buttoning a shirt. Consequently I wear alot of t-shirts/sweatshirts.