h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Did you hear that Lloyd Carr is dressing only 20 players on Saturday? The rest of the players will have to dress themselves.

One foggy night, a Buckeye fan was driving north from Columbus and a Michigan fan was driving south from Ann Arbor. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on. Miraculously, both drivers were uninjured. The Wolverine fan walked over to the Buckeye fan and said, "I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of rivals." The Buckeye fan thought for a moment and said, "You know, you’re absolutely right. We should be friends." The Buckeye fan then popped open his trunk and removed a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel’s. "I think this is another sign," the Buckeye fan said. "Let’s drink to our newfound friendship." The Wolverine fan agreed and sucked down half the bottle. He handed the bottle back to the Buckeye fan and said, "Your turn!" The Buckeye fan calmly twisted the cap back on the bottle and threw it over the bridge. "Nah, I think I’ll just wait for the cops to show up."

One day Jim Tressel's wife said, "Jim, football has been such a big part of our life, and it's been good for us and all that. But when you retire I would like for us to get as far away from football as possible." JT says, "Okay. Where do you want to go to get as far away from football as possible?" And she said, "Ann Arbor, MI."

I'd better stop before this falls into a pattern ...

How do Aggies practice safe sex?
They get rid of all the animals that kick.

Too late

How many Big 10 students does it take to change a lightbulb? Well ...

At Ohio State it takes only two. One to change it, and one to throw the old bulb at Michigan students.

At Michigan it takes five. One to change the bulb, two to talk about how Bo would have done it, and two more to explain how they did it every bit as well as any Ivy Leaguer.

At Northwestern it takes three. One to change the bulb, and two to phone a friend at Ohio State to get instructions.

At Michigan State it takes four. One to screw in the bulb, and three to figure out how to get high off the old one.

At Wisconsin it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At Illinois it takes seven, and each one gets four semester credit hours for it.

At Indiana it takes eight. One to screw it in, and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.

At Minnesota it takes ten. Two to figure out how to screw it in, and eight to find an ugly enough lampshade to match their school colors.

At Penn Sate it takes 100. One to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it better than Penn, and 50 who realize it's all a lie.

At Purdue, it takes 12. One to change the bulb, five to take pictures, four fraternity pledges to get naked and run through the fountain screaming "They changed the Bulb!", and two engineers to run a study on the whole thing.

At Iowa it takes none. There's no electricity in Iowa.

Two boys are playing football in a park in Columbus when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Buckeyes' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I not a Buckeyes' fan" the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Columbus I just assumed you were. What team do you root for?" asked the reporter.

"I'm a Michigan Wolverines' fan," the child replied.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,"LITTLE REDNECK BASTARD KILLS BELOVED FAMILY PET"

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject. Later in the school yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad coaches football for Michigan and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Michigan jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Ohio State jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Wolverine fan from the water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred between Ohio State & Michigan but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true".

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that"?

"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom".

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing.

Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another one"?

A graduate from Ohio State, a graduate from Michigan and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his first child. Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.

"I've got good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she announced. Despite the electrical outage, two healthy boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered. However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't sure which first-born belongs to whom. The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first."

The three proud papas agreed and the Ohio grad won the drawing. He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time. Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the door

"Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice," the nurse asked "No, I'm not," replied the Buckeye grad. "But I just couldn't run the risk of ending up with the Michigan kid."

A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual."

He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Lloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped the team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and says that the university has cut back on his recruiting budget, making it more difficult for him to sign quality players. We're taking up a collection for him."

The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

A family of Michigan fans head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in their local sports shop the son picks up an Ohio State jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Buckeye fan and I would like this for Christmas."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him on the head and says, "Go talk to mother."

Off goes the little lad with the Ohio State jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Buckeye fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas."

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him on the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the Ohio State Jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Ohio State fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son on the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been a Buckeye fan for an hour and I already hate you Michigan b*****ds."

Two Michigan cheerleaders were reading their daily newspaper when one of them noticed a headline that read:

"TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED"

She thought for a minute, and then whispered to her friend, "Psssst... how many is a brazilian?"

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, and nanotechnology.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. +

Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and such.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slow, "So... is... Michigan..... gonna... have... a... good... team...this ... year??

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on the shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Michigan."

"Use hot water, a box of Tide and four cups bleach."

Okay, that's *really* it!

Y'know, it's uncanny how many of those jokes I saw on the page where I got that safe sex joke from, with the word 'Aggie' replacing the word 'Michigan'

I think that a lot of those jokes are pretty much interchangeable with the college of your rivalry. TJ loved them! There were quite a few he hadn't heard, so it was worth it!