h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here are some Michigan jokes, to get everybody in the right frame of mind for the OSU/Michigan game this weekend. These are for TJ! Enjoy!

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Q: How many University of Michigan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A: On the University of Michigan campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.

A University of Michigan fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

Q: Did you hear about the University of Michigan fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Michigan's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a University of Michigan Wolverine?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: What should you do if you find three University of Michigan fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish." The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war." The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish." "Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?" After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."

Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Michigan fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

Q: How many University of Michigan freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

A young man hired by a supermarket reports for his first day of work. The manager greets him with a warm handshake and smile, gives him a broom and says: “Your first job will be to sweep the store.” The young man is indignant. “But I'm a Michigan graduate! I even played football there!” “Oh, I'm sorry,” replies the manager. “Give me the broom and I'll show you how.”

Two Michigan football players are partying on campus when a bartender asks what they're celebrating. The smart one says that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them two months. “Two months?!” exclaims the bartender. The Wolverine proudly replies: “Yeah! The box said 4-6 years!”

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Hey, want to hear a Michigan joke?” The man replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am six feet tall, 200 pounds and a Michigan graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6-2, 225 pounds and a Michigan graduate. The guy sitting next to him is 6-5, 250 pounds and is also a Michigan graduate. You still want to tell that joke?” The first guy responds: “Nah. Not if I'm going to have to explain it three times.”

Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are walking on a beach when Carr trips over something in the sand. Upon closer inspection, it turns out to be a genie's lamp. “Who disturbs me?” the genie asks. Tressel and Carr say they're both to blame. “Then you will each get one wish,” the genie says. Carr asks to go first, saying: “I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Michigan so that none of those stupid Ohioans can ever get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!” The genie grants the wish and Carr is instantly whisked away to this new paradise. The genie turns to Tressel and says, “Now it's your turn.” Tressel says: “Fill it with water.”

A first-grade teacher tells her class that she is a Michigan fan. She asks the students to raise their hands if they are Michigan fans too. Not really knowing what a Michigan fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the students put their hands in the air -- with one exception. The teacher looks at the little girl who did not raise her hand and asks her why she's decided to be different. “Because I'm an Ohio State fan,” the girl said. The teacher, a little perturbed, asks why. “Because my mom and dad are Buckeye fans, so I'm a Buckeye fan, too.” The teacher, angry, says, “That's no reason. What if your mom and you dad were idiots?” The little girl smiles and says, “Then I'd be a Michigan fan.”

After former Michigan coach Bo Schembechler passes away and enters Heaven, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bo a little two-bedroom house with a faded University of Michigan banner hanging from the front porch. “This is your home now, coach. Most people don't get their own house around here!” God exclaims. Bo looks at the house then turns around and sees the one sitting on the top of a nearby hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Ohio State flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge scarlet and gray banner hanging between the marble columns. Bo says, “Thanks for the new home, God, but let me ask you a question: Why do I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded Michigan banner while Woody Hayes gets a mansion with new banners and flags?” God looks at him seriously for a moment, then replies: “That's not Woody's house. That's mine!”

A highly recruited high-school football player is visiting schools. His first stop is Miami. When he gets there, Larry Coker immediately picks up a golden telephone. After talking for several minutes, he says, “Thank you, God” and hangs up. The young man is shocked. He asks the coach what is so special about the golden phone. “Well, this phone is a direct link to God,” the coach explains. “God tells us whether new recruits will be stars at our University.” The athlete asks if he can use the phone to ask God what college he should pick. “Sure you can,” the coach says. “But it will cost you $1,000. Calling Heaven ain't cheap.” The young man says he doesn't have that kind of money and moves along.

His next stop is Michigan. He walks into Lloyd Carr's office and Carr immediately picks up a golden telephone. After talking for several minutes, the coach says, “Thank you, God” and hangs up. The recruit says, “Hey, I've seen those phones before. Can I use yours to ask God what college I should pick?” Carr says, “Sure, but it's going to cost you $750. Calling heaven ain't cheap.” Again, the young man explains that he doesn't have the money and leaves.

His last stop is Columbus, Ohio. Jim Tressel picks up a golden telephone, says, “Thanks” and hangs up. The young man asks: “Coach, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose. Miami said it was going to cost me $1,000. Michigan wanted $750. How much will it cost me to call Heaven from Columbus?” Tressel smiles and said, “Nothing, son. It's a local call.”

Once upon a time, there was a season when neither Ohio State nor Michigan made a post-season bowl game. It seemed so unusual that the teams figured there should be some sort of competition anyway. So they got together and decided on a week-long ice-fishing competition. On the first day, Ohio State caught 100 fish and Michigan caught none. On the second day, Ohio State had caught 200 fish and Michigan still had zero. The Michigan coach, suspecting cheating, dressed one of his players in scarlet and gray and sent him to the Ohio State camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day, the player came back to the report. “Are they cheating?” asked the coach. “They sure are,” the player said. “They're cutting holes in the ice!”

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain: An Ohio State grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad and a Notre Dame grad. Each claimed to be the most loyal to their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued about who was the most loyal of all. When they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad suddenly hurled himself off the mountain, shouting: “This is for the Fighting Irish!” Not to be outdone, the Penn State grad threw himself over the edge, shouting: “This is for the Nittany Lions!” Seeing this, the Ohio State grad walked over and shouted “This is for the Buckeyes!” and pushed the Michigan fan off the mountain.

Michigan is threatening to score the winning touchdown with four seconds to go on the Ohio State two-yard line. Lloyd Carr looks to the sky and says, “Oh Lord, I've been a good person. I've tried to live a good life. Please, give me your guidance. What play should we run?” Suddenly, the clouds part and a booming voice says, “RUN 34 POWER TRAP RIGHT.” Carr stands in stunned disbelief. His prayer has been answered! Quickly, Carr tells his quarterback to run 34 power trap right. The quarterback calls the play and hands off to the running back, who is immediately swarmed by Buckeye linebackers in the backfield. The game ends and Ohio State fans storm the field to celebrate. From the sideline, Carr looks toward heaven and says, “Why Lord? Why did you tell me to run 34 power trap right?” The same booming voice answers, “I DON'T KNOW. WHY DID WE RUN 34 POWER TRAP, WOODY?”

A little boy and his mother were walking through the cemetery when they spotted a headstone that read “Here lies a Michigan graduate and a good man.” The little boy turned to his mother and asked, “Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?”

A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the Ohio State vs. Michigan game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he discovered the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium way back in the south stands. About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field at the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man said, “No.” Very excited to have such a great seat for the game, Bob said, “That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Ohio State-Michigan game and not use?” The man replied, “Actually, that seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Ohio State game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.” Bob said, “Well, that's really sad. Couldn't you find a friend or a relative to come with you?” “No,” the man replied. “They're all at the funeral.”

Am I detecting a pattern here?

One day, while driving along, I saw a priest. "Where are you going Father? I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat.. Suddenly, I saw a Michigan fan walking down the road, with that "M" shirt on and I instinctively swerved as if to hit him. Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors. But still didn't see anything. I then remembered the priest, and turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Michigan fan." "That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Ann Arbor?
A: Columbus: 187 miles.

Q: Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
A: Because the senior who knew the recipe finally graduated.

Q: What are the three longest years of a Michigan football player's life?
A: His freshman year.

Q: Why should Michigan change its color from blue to orange?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, for hunting on Sunday and to pick up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

Q: What do the letters TGIF on the Michigan players' shoes stand for?
A: Toes Go In First

Q: What did the Michigan fan say to the Ohio State Fan?
A: Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order?

Pattern? No, I don't think so.

No? Funny, I could've sworn... no, maybe you're right.

Wait... no, thought I saw something there for a moment. Must've been my imagination.

UT v Aggies next week

A Michigan fan is driving home from a game. When he turns a corner, much to his horror, he sees a pine tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and then sees another tree in front of him. He swerves again, but no matter what he does, he sees a tree in front of him. Then he hears a police siren and stops the car. The officer comes up to the car and asks the Michigan fan why he was weaving all over the road. When the man starts describing the trees in the road, the officer stops him and says, "Sir, it's just your air freshener!"

Q: How do you get a Michigan graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: How do you keep a Michigan Wolverine out of your yard?
A: Put up a goal post and paint Roses on the grass beneath it.