h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

OW!
Such a shame you've got to be off soon to have your bunions seen to dearie.
*secretly swaps Mari-Rae's shoes over for some that are 2 sizes smaller*

Coelacanth! You know I had that done last year! At least I meant to. *Gives Coely a dirty look, then turns back to Babel-17.*

Sweetie, will you help me please? My shoes have fallen off and I can't get them back on now.

A young man enters the tea room - eyes darting nervously from side to side, hoping none of his exciting, trendy friends spot him. Muttering under his breath something about old fogeys and feeling like he just _has_ to visit out of the goodness of his heart, but even so hoping that one day they do end up in a home, he walks towards the table.

"Erm, hi Gwennie, Coelecanth. Long time no see! How are you? Would you like to introduce me to your friends? Hope I'm not interrupting anything...?"

*blushes ar marie-rae's comments and then turns to coely again, a look of concern on his face*
What's wrong? Didn't overdo it last night did we? I knew we shouldn't have done it for the third time!

*Presses Babel's hand when Coely isn't looking. There is a folded note left in his hand. He discovers Mari-rae's phone number on the note.*

Young man!! *Pointing at Possum.* Stop hovering around and pull up a chair and join us.

*turns in chair and waves to Possum*
Hello, I'm Babel-17
*extends hand to Possum, first pocketing the note slipped to him earlier*

*Works hard under the table trying to get what she thinks are her own shoes back onto her feet.

Erm...hi *nervously pulls up a chair*

Cup of tea?

*there is not much difference between the colour of the rose in her hair and her face, after being reminded of the third time*
Er, no, er yes, er.....
Hello again Possum. I'm so sorry we had to get you over here, but look what's happened.
*She indicates the sad and sorry sight of Gwennie. The poor old dear has fallen asleep, and has slipped off her chair, onto the floor, legs akimbo. Her tongue is lolling out of her mouth, and she is dribbling. She mumbles incoherently from time to time*
Mari-Rae, I've always liked those shoes on you. The blue is just the same colour as the veins on your leg. When's the op dearie?
*snuggling up to Babel-17 she can hear the rustling of a piece of paper, but thinks nothing of it.*

*Gives up an trying to put the shoes back on. Decides to play "footsie" with Babel instead. Possum gives a start, then leaps backward from his chair. Mari-rae acts innocent and just lifts an eyebrow at Possum's behavior.*

Don't you care for tea, then?

*Tries again to feel up Babel's leg with her foot.*

*Eyes her companions suspiciously and pulls young Babel to one side in a conspiratorial fashion*

Of course, if I was you young man, I'd pay attention to Coely's dry, scaly-looking skin. It could be a highly contagious case of dermatitis, you know...I wouldn't mention it to her, deary as she tend to feel rather self conscious about it...

*Winks at Mari-Rae*

*Leans forward and stares hard at Coely's head.*

Did you have that ringworm taken care of yet, Coelacanth? You can't go on hiding it under that wig forever, you know.

*Winks back at Gwennie.*

*Whispers in Babel's ear that Coely's a bit of a one for the young boys and that he should watch his backside*

More tea ladies? *Smiles sweetly*

Ah, Coely my dear...How was that last visit to the clinic? Did the doctor manage to prescribe anything for your little *coughs* "problem"?

Hello ladies, or is that too strongly stated? If I didn't know better I'd say there were some 'catty' girls about. Since Gwennie invited me
I brought a huge pot of special tea my Granny taught me to make: no
caffine...Lipton Tea, a touch of grape juice, lemon juice & fresh mint...a wee bit of sugar to make the flavor pop! Hope you enjoy it!
Is this where we come to talk about hair color & vaginal itch? *passes out back scratchers to all* I haven't had much sleep in the past 3
nights, so excuse if I don't have anything wise to say...I'll think up another excuse next time. Would someone mind pouring for me? All these gems on my fingers make it difficult to safely lift a hot pot of tea.
Go on with your conversation, I'll just sit here & take notes, er, watch.

Hello ladies, or is that too strongly stated? If I didn't know better I'd say there were some 'catty' girls about. Since Gwennie invited me
I brought a huge pot of special tea my Granny taught me to make: no
caffine...Lipton Tea, a touch of grape juice, lemon juice & fresh mint...a wee bit of sugar to make the flavor pop! Hope you enjoy it!
Is this where we come to talk about hair color & vaginal itch? *passes out back scratchers to all* I haven't had much sleep in the past 3
nights, so excuse if I don't have anything wise to say...I'll think up another excuse next time. Would someone mind pouring for me? All these gems on my fingers make it difficult to safely lift a hot pot of tea.
Go on with your conversation, I'll just sit here & take notes, er, watch.

*Waves for a waiter to come over with a chair for Pandora*

Do take a seat dearie! Lovely, err, stones on your fingers. Won't they irritate your arthritis?

*Pinches the waiter's behind as he pulls up a chair for Pandora*

Don't mind Mari-Rae and Coely. We're the best of friends really!

*throughout all the public exposure of her ailments and the mentioning of 'ladies bits' Coelacanth has been opening and closing her mouth like some old trout. She has grown quite hot under the wig. In her distress, she knocks over a cup of cold tea. It lands in Babel-17's lap.*
Whoops! Oh my dear I'm so sorry.
*A young waiter appears with a cloth, then turns and walks away. Coelacanth enjoys the view for a moment, then takes the cloth and starts to dab at Babel-17's trousers with far more force than would be strictly necessary.*
I thinks it'll be OK dearie, but I'll just have another dab at this bit. What's this?
*she fumbles in his pocket...*
Oooohhh
*....and brings out a very soggy piece of paper. Something was written on it, but the ink has run, and nothing can be read*
Nothing important I hope?

How d' you do, Pandora? I hate to break it to you, but Lipton tea has caffein in it. Still, I'll try some, thank you.

*Sips cup greedily. Straightens her diamond earrings in a very obvious manner.*

Coelacanth, my third husband always said that clumsiness is a sign of insecurity. And its no wonder you gape like an old trout since you are a big ugly fish underneath it all.

*Opens her purse and writes her phone number on another piece of paper. Once again slips it to Babel.*

*whispers*

Nice to meet you all, again. *seems short term memory loss has already begun in this group* Don't remember me from the May Pole dance then?
Must have been all the mead, er, sun is what I meant to say...honest.
I hate to break it to you, but Lipton has been making de-caf for well over a year here in the States. *sighs* I'm sure your Country will soon have it too. *tosses long dark hair to one side showing off the matchong gems in her ear lobes* I do hope all this gold about my neck won't strain my back! You KWOW what a chore it can be to look lovely. My but your third husband didn't mince words, did he? I do hope you pointed out how rare you are!?! *third heh? working on the 4th I wonder? looks over the young men about-glad a bra was decided upon* As for the arthritis...I believe in the healing power of certian stones. It's just hard to decide what helps the most, rubys, emeralds, sapphires, diamonds, etc., so I just wear a different one on each finger. *decides not to show off toe rings*