h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Thought it was a tonic wine. Whoops!

That's alright, dearie. *wizened toothless grin*

I expect the stains will wash out...

*Hobbles up pushing her walker.*

Hello you old dears! May I join you?

*Looks at Possum.* Who's this? You aren't a mugger, are you?

Welcome back! Was it brilliant? Tell us all about it!
Hobble over here, by the window so we can watch everybody go by and comment about their clothes. Don't want to sit in a draught though do we. Leave the walker just there, where it will be in everyone's way.
I went to Brussels yesterday. Have a chocolate and tell us all about the trip. Don't worry about Possum. Gwennie and I have a couple of YOUNG MEN to help us out from time to time. (change lightbulbs, that sort of thing).

*Pulls herself into a chair and wraps her pink fuzzy cardigan (the one with the kittens all around) more tightly around her. Struggles out of her gloves and folds them over the top of her extraordinarily large purse.*

My vacation was very nice, thank you Coelacanth for asking. I have written about it at some length in my Journal. Just between us, though, I don't think Yellowstone Park is all that it is cracked up to be. There was a coyote walking along the boardwalk right in front of Old Faithful geyser. Dirty, nasty, sneering creature, it was. I took its snapshot just when it was ducking under a fence. And there were droppings from the buffaloes all over the geyser beds. So unsanitary! I ask you! And a skeleton of some poor creature was just left to lay where it was, right in public view! TPTB have a very odd sense of decorum, if you want my opinion. They must think the Park belongs to the animals!! I'm surprised they don't lock all us humans up into cages and put us on display!! (loud sniff)

Isn't there any TEA!! (another sniff)

*Holds out a rattling cup and saucer to Mari-Rae*

There you go dear! Here's a napkin to tuck into that nice cardi, just in case you dribble a bit...

Ooh, those wide open spaces you visited sound big enough to bring on me angryphobia...Give me a nice tidy tea room any day!

You simply must tell me who dyed your hair that lovely shade of blue rinse, dearie!

Coely, do wind the gramophone up, there's a dear...

Thank you, Gwen. You are looking quite lovely in that hat, by the way. One of the birds on it seems to have lost its wing, though.

Coelacanth, have you heard from your no good relatives lately? You would not believe what my nephew did the other day. He's bought a dog! He spent hundreds! Who pays good money for a dog? (sniff) I don't know what he wants with a dog, anyway. He works all day.

My sister-in-law used to use dogs as a fashion item and discard them when they became too demanding...

It makes me mad enough to spit!

*Produces a pink handkerchief with lace trim and spits into it*

*Laughs, and her upper plate moves a bit.*

Ooooo, look at that dears. *Indicating a nice young man standing at a bus stop across the street.*

*looks puzzled*
er, what no good relatives of mine would those be?
People have very little dogs in Belgium, and sometimes they carry them about in shopping bags so their little legs don't get tired.
Thanks a lovely hanky dearie. Can't get that kind of quality in the shops these days.

*Carefully tucks her handkerchief into her pocket*

Yes, it so difficult to buy quality merchandise nowadays. This is a family heirloom, from my Great Aunt Feebie. Aunt Feebie always used to say that if something wasn't attractive as well as usefull, it wasn't worth having.

*Ponders whether it's time to get a new hubby*

Ahh! It sounds as though the Belgians are soft on their doggies! I bet they're allowed to take them into restaurants too, like the French do.

*Suddenly notices the "YOUNG MAN" Mari-Rae has pointed out*

Well, I say! I think I'm getting a hot flush!

*Fans herself with her hat*

*Opens her purse and takes out a tiny battery driven fan and hands it to Gwennie.*

*Gets out small mother of pearl opera glasses kept especially for this purpose, and does not hand them to anybody at all *

Coely! Behave yourself dearest! Tsk! Tsk! Here, let me wipe those glasses for you as you've steamed them up...

I wish he would turn around with his back(side) to us.

*cannot hear anything, as hearing aid is switched off to avoid distractions and/or requests for a loan of the opera glasses. From time to time the others can hear "Phwar!!"*
Phwar!!!

*"Accidently" kicks Coely under the table.*

Sorry, dearie! Are you able to make out his eyes? They aren't squinty or too close together, are they?

*Gazes pointedly at the opera glasses.*

*The kick gives Coely a jolt, and the opera glasses fly into the air. As they begin to fall all 3 old dears start to fight over who will catch them.
It is not a pretty sight.
Other tearoom guests begin to "tut" loudly at the language. The glasses land, and all 3 dive for them. But only one can be the first to grab hold.
It is...........?

ME!!!!

*The opera glasses are slightly bent. She raises them to her eyes, but has to take off her eyeglasses. She lays down the opera glasses to do this and Gwennie snatches them away. Now, without her eyeglasses and practically blind her fingers search the tabletop for the opera glasses. She knocks over the sugar bowl and says a word. It starts with 'S'!*