h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Kat, but my eyes are not as beautiful as yours...

Stephen, You are very sweet and adorable.

MARS AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASH

Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that 'the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft'.

The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, 'bouncing' several times before coming to a stop, 'deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases'. Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the 'other-worldly' nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of 'an obvious government cover-up', pointing out that Mars has no swamps.

If anyone is here, knock once for yes and knock twice for no or you can answer in Klingon.

"Is anybody there, knock once for yes, twice for no?"

Is anyone here?

Has anyone seen any , , , . There are quite a few , , , where I live in Sunny Outer Mongolia.

Hello The Thinker, how are you today? This message has come from Outer Australis..Where the Sun shines all of the time..

Would you care to visit here one day?...........

Stephen, The Outback Kangarooster...

Hello Stephen, I am feeling fine apart from a bit tired due to my sinuses. I Love to be where the Sun shines all the time. Yes I would to here today.

Katrine, Jedi, Star Trek (Next Generations) Vulcan Junior Lt, X-Woman, Fremen member, Spirit Guides Wolf and Bear

I am getting a book about Aboriginal Dream World from my local library.

I am a member of two Australian Forums.

Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon h2g2 researcher

A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his guideml code!
By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
You question the worthiness of my guideml code? I should kill you where you stand!
Our competitors are without honor!
Specifications are for the weak and timid!
This machine is GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!
Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it!
Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
My program has just dumped Stova Core!
Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon guideml code warrior that ever lived!

I have been collecting these jokes for several years; some of them come from the internet, some from books, and some from (probably) The Final Frontier:

Star Trek: The Next Generation
TNG Meets Microsoft TNG Meets Dr Seuss


Stunt Doubles for Jean Luc Picard
10. Homer Simpson -- "Cardassians?!?! DOH!!"
9. Yul Brenner -- "Make it so, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."
8. Sean Connery -- "Picard. Jean Luc Picard"
7. The Godfather -- "mmhghmmmmsdfdfmmmmrhyhr"
Data translates -- "That you must wear the concrete suit in the airlock tonight."
6. Rodney Dangerfield -- "Hey, I tell ya Will, I get no respect."
5. James Earl Jones -- "Will, you are my son. Admiral Nechayev has foreseen that you will kill her. Together, we can rule the Federation!"
4. Clint Eastwood -- "Go ahead Q, make my day!"
3. George Foreman -- "Y'know, Shatner and I would make a great acting team."
2. Ross Perot -- "My, those Ferengi were handsome little devils!"
1. Harrison Ford -- "Never tell me the odds, Data. And Kirk, don't call me junior. I hate it. I really do."

Boaring Board Meetings are so Exciting for Dull but Exciting Ferangi

Why is it impossible to surprise Muad'dib on his birthday?
Because he has his birthday prescience!

What do Fremen mothers say to their unruly children? "You're getting to big for your sietches!"

The most popular band in Arrakisis:....THE SPICE GIRLS

Why do computer teachers never get sick?
Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a computer?
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was switched on!

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
1.One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2.Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3.Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

Good Morning to all...

Good Morning Stephen

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: If you know the number, you don't know where the socket is.

Q: How many quanta does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One and a half.

Q: How many consulting engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, that'll be $50 please.

Q: How many nuclear physicists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, he raises it into place and the world revolves around him.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Approximately 1.000000000000000000000.
Three: one to screw it in, and two to figure out how to get rid of the remainder.
None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to an earlier riddle.

Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.