h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Damn good idea that man. Well the bar is clear, the pumps are stocked, and you all have reserved stools at the front.

*stumbles in, wearing dark glasses* Quick hair of the dog after last night... *falls over table* Oops.

I have the perfect solution for that.

*turns to the back counter, reaches for the Whiskey, Brandy, Vodka, and Tabasco. Pauses to pour half a pint of stout, returns to counter to continue.*

Won't be a moment.

*clasps hands over mouth*

*Reaches for the fridge*

What did you get upto last night then?

*pours potion into cocktail shaker, and inverts several times*

*sings* (or rather) *croons*

I gotta girl
And I lost her again
Oh I'm soooo down....

I'll admit that wasn't last night - it was several years ago. I just haven't got it out of my system yet.

Sorry to butt in and all that...

6 pints of London Pride and a packet of peanuts, please.

Yes sir, here you go.

*does a quick spot of maths*

Expecting company them?

I wish! They're all round the local (the other local) watching the Rugby. I left - England are losing.

We ought to advertise this place better - I like the atmosphere. Not too smoky. How about doing some flyers?

Well at least Wales gave Japan a good thrashing, 64 15 was the score when I last saw it. EV appears to have disappeared, just when I had his hangover cure ready. I'll just put it in the fridge in case he comes back, I just hope it wont eat through the glass.

*reappearing from the direction of the toilet, wiping his mouth* Ah, hello, are you all still here? I feel a little better now. Scotland 3 Lithuania 0, they tell me. Okay, so it's football not rugby, but I felt I had to barge my way into the conversation somehow. Did I hear the phrase "hangover cure" used there?

Or the fridge.

I could have done with your hangover remedy for a friend at the end of August. His family have a thing about holding big birthday parties which *must* always be a surprise (according to them). We had it all perfectly to plan - we'd kindnap him from his work (a pub - they knew what we were doing) and drive him out to Surprise View in the middle of the Moors in Derbyshire. Being a dapper sort of bloke, we figured he'd want to turn up to his 21st birthday looking the part, so we took the care to kidnap his favourite suit which I took out to Surprise View for him to change into (nb. the reason why we went there is because it's no longer a surprise, though we make it out to be everytime we go past...) Also at Suprise View, I set up a tent for him to get changed in and a table full of various toiletries (deodorant, shaving foam, hairbrush, toothbrush, shoe polish etc.) We would then drive him to his party venue. Sadly, when we got to the pub he was working at, the locals had all got him totally rat-arsed. When he was driven out to where I was waiting at Surprise View, we ended up sitting there surrounded by bottles of Lynx, trying to sober him up, which must have been a surreal sight for any passing motorists

I'll make a note of your recipe for next time!

Certainly, here, its guarenteed to cure you of what ever ails you. Including most of your lower bowl in the process.

*feels something vibrate in his back pocket*

Sorry folks, got to go. The President wants his soup. If I see anyone interesting on my way out, I'll tell them you're in here.

Thanks. *drinks copiously, turns a funny shade of green and rushes out again*

Sounds like fun, but I have heard many a fine tail from behind this bar.

Benedict's tail is particularly fine - I was stroking it this evening to placate him.

i will have a triple vodka - straight no ice please barman and a lager chaser.

As you command, fair lady. How about a bread stick for the whiskered one?

He says yes but like all good parents I say no. He had a touch of a dicky tummy yesterday and I am keeping him on very plain rodent food at the moment. *Benedicts mutters and twitches his whiskers*

Nice place you have got here!

*strolls in wearing striped top and beret, to chears of delight from the audience*

I am le bakeur wis se bruead. Vous callez?

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Small aside here - how do you hear a tail? Is it the swoosh as it glides through the air or the crash as it knocks all the empty glasses off the table?