Journal Entries
Thursday 3 August 2000
Posted Aug 3, 2000
Sophie is gone away. The weather is beautiful, and it feels as though Spring is at last in the buildup. Time without anything to do is slow. Not that I really have nothing to do - I could be editing, after all - but I'm not inspired by what's there to be done. I guess I really should try and finish this batch, before the new editing methods are fully introduced...
I am trying to get the relevant people into gear to assist me with doing the Canberra Institute of Technology's Fitness Instructor course, to become a gym person proper, or authoritative, at least. I have to do a couple of other things to do this, though, and timing is difficult at the moment - the relevant courses are not scheduled round each other. Various institutions in this town need to take more notice of each other, I think. The course sounds good, though. It would be good to be able to study something interesting again.
I learned from another friend at the gym yesterday that Sophie is not only heterosexual, but single and coming off an extended rebound - or, at least, she was when she left. I feel miserable anticipating what will happen if and when she comes back!
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Latest reply: Aug 3, 2000
Tuesday 25 July 2000
Posted Jul 25, 2000
You know those days where it feels as though you're completely bereft of a reason to live...? The throes of adolescent love have had to be stilled, as the throes of adolescent love so often are, by reality. Sophie is off on holiday to Greece for seven weeks tomorrow, which is great for her. I knew nothing about it before tonight, so I guess that indicates pretty well where I stand. I'm not a happy man, but as men everywhere know, unhappiness in love centres on not being able to do anything about it, so I guess I'll just have to wear it. I'll probably not see her again, and if I do she'll have other things on her mind, no doubt, which is hard.
My disappointment and my sorrow are too great and too sad to describe well, but I feel a sense of loss, even if I haven't really lost anything. I hope that Sophie has a really good holiday. Is love always like this? I can't remember, to be honest.
The weather was not a good day for heartbreak. It was actually sunny for a while today. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but the forecasts aren't good - then again, though, the forecasts weren't good for today...
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Latest reply: Jul 25, 2000
Sunday 23 July 2000
Posted Jul 23, 2000
Interesting developments over the last couple of days. The first thing that happened was my flatmate's brain explosion yesterday about the fact that he was cold, and blamed me for not doing enough to see that he wasn't. I made no response - I didn't want to make him any more angry than he was anyway, and it wouldn't have made the points I had to make in return any easier for him to accept - but if the opportunity arises, he's gonna get an earful, and I'm not planning on changing my behaviour to suit his comfort. My patience with his discomfort has almost exhausted itself, but I am still trying hard to restrain my own anger. He's not speaking to me, but he's not abusing me either, so he might be getting the message he needs to understand, but then again he might just be trying hard not to make a fool of himself, which is what he effectively did yesterday.
As if to do justice to my restraint, the weather has been less cold and miserable today than it has been for most of the week - sunny, windless, beautiful really. I'm still not tempted to actually do much, though, so I've spent most of the day washing clothes.
This afternoon has been spent writing, reading and listening to the radio, and as the sun shines through the window on to my desk it has been very pleasant. I'm sort of keen to get onto the web, but the chance will be better tonight, after everyone else in the country is well asleep. I have to get on and look up a couple of jobs that were advertised in Saturday's papers, and download application forms. Strange that this method of application now seems so popular, especially as the people who expect applications to result from such methods of advertisement are also disinclined to read résumés on the which are also on the web, as the job section in Saturday's Sydney Morning Herald indicated.
I feel tired, and lazy - very Sunday afternoonish, I think...
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Latest reply: Jul 23, 2000
Friday 21 July 2000
Posted Jul 21, 2000
Life is good, but weird, at the moment.
I seem to be in the midst of a wave of hypos. They seem to come in waves - when you start having them, you have a few before they settle down again. I had another this morning at the gym. It was a ‘quiet' hypo - I wasn't thrashing around as I so often do - but it was a hypo nonetheless. I had just ridden back from the city where I'd met my brother's wife (who was in town for a conference) for an hour or so to have a chat and catch up, and stopped at the gym for a cup of tea with many sugars in it. I was doing OK, shivering from the cold of the ride, but conversing all right, warming up and well aware of my surroundings, until I leaned back to have a stretch, and found myself on the floor being cradled by a couple of gym-goers. I must have passed out, briefly, but unlike the last time, I was aware of my surroundings. I could hear everything that was being said to and about me, but responding was very difficult. The people around me asked me whether they should call the ambulance, as I had previously told them to do, and I indicated assent as concisely, and non-verbally, as I could. The ambulance people showed up, tested me, fed me, asked me whether I wanted to go to hospital (to which I replied ‘no' - not unexpectedly, it seemed) and advised me to take it easy before heading back to wherever it is that ambulance people go when they're not dealing with an emergency.
The gym staff were remarkably cool about all this, but I had previously told them about how to deal with me in this type of instance, and in spite of this being the first time I'd ever done this sort of thing there they responded perfectly. I'm glad I'd already gone to that trouble! I spent the rest of the afternoon reading 'The return of the King' again, which was diverting, but didn't make the afternoon any less unsettling.
Apart from that, today was a bit of a weird day, anyway. Various people weren't where they said they'd be, various others who I wanted to see weren't there at all, and some others who I didn't want to see were in my face. The weather was indecisive all day. It started off rainy, then the sun shone through the blowing clouds, then the clouds blew over the sun and it rained again. The wind was always up, and it was always cold, until this afternoon, when the wind slowed briefly and the sun shone consistently for about an hour. I got the feeling the tone of the day itself reflected the weather.
I'm not sure what I want to do, and making myself do anything is difficult. Tonight I'm listening to Peter Gabriel and trying to get a handle on the weirdness of life at the moment. I want to be with Sophie...
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Latest reply: Jul 21, 2000
Tuesday 18 July 2000
Posted Jul 18, 2000
I want to get my tax return in. I'd like to have the money which I suspect is coming, because I want to use it to buy a new bicycle - a road bike. I'm still waiting for a group certificate from the Department of Social Security, or Centrelink, as they now call themselves. New computers are in the works, too, because my father is proposing to get rid of his old one. A few new bits and that could well be the machine of the future.
The weather is unaccountably nice at the moment, with clear, sunny days pervading the landscape. This happy state of affairs is forecast to end tomorrow, so I'd better get some more washing done today - speaking of which... Right, washing on.
I watched the total eclipse of the moon for a couple of hours on Sunday night. It was very interesting, particularly watching the deeper shadow move across the reddened face of the moon.
My bike is serviced (and it's in pretty good nick, too), but I don't really feel like going anywhere. C++ is loaded on my computer, but I can't bring myself to start getting into it. Risottos are there to be cooked, bedrooms are there to be cleaned, articles are there to be edited, love is there to be pursued. I don't feel like doing any of this stuff, and I am nervous about learning so many new things, though I know that all not doing them will do for me is cause me to re-acquaint myself with regret.
Maybe breakfast, and another cup of coffee, would help...
P.S. Saw Sophie tonight - still riding high on that... Succeeded in cleaning some of the mould out of my room, and in doing BodyCombat. I think I'm working my way back up to a full gym load. Sophie didn't stay for long after Combat was over, so I also spent half an hour talking to another woman I only see at the gym, and who I hadn't seen for a while, and now it feels like every woman I know seems to be on to me. You put your mind on one...
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Latest reply: Jul 18, 2000
Hypoman
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