Journal Entries
Monday 29 September, 2003
Posted Sep 29, 2003
I am in doubt once more.
This morning, as I was handing over to a new shift leader at the place where I work, I was struck with a fit of impatience. I actually hate the woman to whom I was handing over, and I found it very difficult, after a twelve-hour shift - with several things that had gone partly wrong (although nothing wrong enough that I'd needed help to deal with it) and which it would have been good if I'd been able to tell her without interruption or condemnation (which is what she usually treats me with) - not to become angry at her. As she sat down and began her usual process of scrutinising every detail of my recorded shift performance in order to comment critically upon it and badger me about what I had not recorded, I simply snapped, and said, in what I thought was a reasonable if slightly tense voice:
"Please understand that I find you very difficult to tolerate, at all, and in this situation I'm..."
Before her reaction (something similar to "That's fine!") interrupted me, and I began, for want of anything else to say, to describe what had happened on my shift.
My doubt is caused by the unreasonable amount of power this woman wields in our organisation, and no knowledge of precisely how this revelation (and I believe it was a revelation to her, in spite of the fact that I have not hesitated to tell anyone who didn't disagree directly with me that I despise her, for most of the year that I have worked in this place) will cause her to act. The boss considers her senior to me, and worthy of my deference. I know that I was far more restrained than I could have been, and that all I wanted to do in the first instance was make her cognizant of the fact that I wanted to leave that place with no unnecessary delay (which includes, to my mind, stupid questions about "whether or not" I have done things that she thinks I should do). I succeeded in getting the shift handover out of the way unusually quickly, and was off to catch my bus, still fuming that I had allowed myself to compromise my good humour.
It will be an interesting couple of weeks, in the wake of this misfortune...
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Latest reply: Sep 29, 2003
Monday 29 May, 2003
Posted Sep 28, 2003
I am in doubt once more.
This morning, as I was handing over to a new shift leader at the place where I work, I was struck with a fit of impatience. I actually hate the woman to whom I was handing over, and I found it very difficult, after a twelve-hour shift - with several things that had gone partly wrong (although nothing wrong enough that I'd needed help to deal with it) and which it would have been good if I'd been able to tell her without interruption or condemnation (which is what she usually treats me with) - not to become angry at her. As she sat down and began her usual process of scrutinising every detail of my recorded shift performance in order to comment critically upon it and badger me about what I had not recorded, I simply snapped, and said, in what I thought was a reasonable if slightly tense voice:
"Please understand that I find you very difficult to tolerate, at all, and in this situation I'm..."
Before her reaction (something similar to "That's fine!") interrupted me, and I began, for want of anything else to say, to describe what had happened on my shift.
My doubt is caused by the unreasonable amount of power this woman wields in our organisation, and no knowledge of precisely how this revelation (and I believe it was a revelation to her, in spite of the fact that I have not hesitated to tell anyone who didn't disagree directly with me that I despise her, for most of the year that I have worked in this place) will cause her to act. The boss considers her senior to me, and worthy of my deference. I know that I was far more restrained than I could have been, and that all I wanted to do in the first instance was make her cognizant of the fact that I wanted to leave that place with no unnecessary delay (which includes, to my mind, stupid questions about "whether or not" I have done things that she thinks I should do). I succeeded in getting the shift handover out of the way unusually quickly, and was off to catch my bus, still fuming that I had allowed myself to compromise my good humour.
It will be an interesting couple of weeks, in the wake of this misfortune...
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Sep 28, 2003
Wednesday 27 August, 2003
Posted Aug 27, 2003
I am in an awful way, because I am so frightened of losing my job, that I cannot refer to my boss when I need to.
The example that has come to the fore recently is the reporting of service failures in our activities. The failures are infrequent, mostly due to misplaced resources or notifications not received, but they are embarrassing and potentially damaging (in terms of punitive fines) for the company I work for. My boss, to whom such problems should be referred in the first instance, even at two o'clock in the morning, is an incredibly unpleasant person - deceptive, ignorant, rude, demanding, accusatory, disorganised and inevitably unrecognising of the trouble his own disorganisation puts his workers to. I do not feel at all at ease, in a position where I am compelled to wake him up to describe my own inadequacies or obstacles to him at two o'clock in the morning.
It is my fear that makes me unable to talk to this man. In ordinary circumstances I try to have to have nothing to do with him, and I try in all circumstances to maintain this position. As a result, momentary problems meeting service criteria are usually negotiated by me directly with the clients. Acting in a junior supervisory role, as I now am (reluctantly), means that the position is harder to maintain, but I am still attempting to do so. The direct consequences of this kind of action for the company, of course, are not known, but I am concentrating on performing the service, rather than excusing or preserving a peformance lack.
I am genuinely disturbed about this, because I do not want to lose the money that the job I am doing provides me with. I also want not to lose the conditions to which I have been compelled to adapt, and to which I have adapted reasonably successfully. I also bitterly resent the implication that I should be ashamed of not asking the boss to excuse a performance lack that would not occur if the boss was actually doing his job, and enabling mine.
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Latest reply: Aug 27, 2003
Thursday 31 July, 2003
Posted Jul 30, 2003
This last couple of months has been interesting.
Feelings of betrayal have been shared, discussed and eased. Books have been ordered (some have even arrived!) and read - even the odd CD has been purchased. A new job has been properly investigated and even, partly, enjoyed. Tai Chi has nearly been learned. Diabetes is becoming ever less of an issue. Fire damage has been allowed some time to grow out.
Now there is the best thing of all. One of my best friends, ever, is coming to see me - from Denmark. I have even grown up enough not to expect that something will go wrong with this plan, but I am looking forward so much to this that it is hard to believe it might happen.
Some things never do come right, though. I am still woefully tired, and never informed enough that I can be sure of anything - which I suppose is the way things ought to be. It's still wearing, though!
Three months until a holiday...
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Latest reply: Jul 30, 2003
Monday 26 May, 2003 (edited)
Posted May 26, 2003
Gee, I make my first journal entry in a year and then follow up with another one within two months! This must be some sort of record for inconsistency...
I've experienced much over the last couple of years. I have known loneliness, confusion, embarrassment, frustration, fury and not a little pride, all of which I know to be wrong. There is currently some comfort in loneliness, although no consolation - and little in the way of other diversions. I think about myself far too much, I think.
I am very sorry to the people I have betrayed. There are far too many of those, and the only excuse I can plead is that I wasn't thinking about what I was doing when betrayal occurred - but then, the same thing could be said about a lot of tragedies, and nobody benefits at all except the lawyers.
I am also sorry to the people I have mis-maligned. There are also far too many of those - my misapprehensions are likely to kill me one day, but in the meantime they just seem to cause people stress and inconvenience.
On the flip side, I've read some great books (the nice thing about being by yourself is that you can make time to read!), and my own writing has been coming along. I've been consistently employed for the first time in several years: the sacrifices I am having to make to be so are not nearly as serious as my pride would make them. I've learned a little more about the internet, as well as about the nature of truth - a subject which I vaguely remember concerned me a lot when I first got here.
Not as many nice people are turning up as used to do - but that'll probably turn around. I've also discovered that a few of the old reliables are still here, too... It's always nice to know that it's not as bad as you sometimes think it is.
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Latest reply: May 26, 2003
Hypoman
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