h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[This looks like the traditional mad-scientist lab, except that it looks like it's just moved in; half the weird machines and strance devices haven't been removed from their boxes, the flasks and glass tubes of strange liquids have barely begun bubbling, and the giant monster plant next to the Auto Seymour Maker is looking a bit boxed-in. Even now, several Metools are finishing with setting up a computer against one wall, as well as placing a nearly-completed machine on a workbench; this they are able to do despite having no arms.]

*Looks in, naturally curious*

[Monster Plant] FEED ME SEYMOUR!

[The device next to it, incidentally, has an inviting-looking lever on the side. It looks basically like a big grey metal box, six feet tall, and with a slot pointed directly at the monster-plant. The words "AUTO SEYMOUR MAKER" are stenciled in black on the side.]

*Blinks at the plant*

You know, I played the part of Audrey II in a highschool musical. It's a fun play to do for a live audience.

*Shrugs and pulls the lever*

[The monster plant doesn't react to Affy's statements. As he pulls the lever, a clanking noise is heard, and then the machine launches forth what appears to be some sort of statue of Seymour from Final Fantasy X. The monster plant catches it in its mouth.]

[Yar] [walks in just then, holding the CLI computer] Oh, you got here first. That's my monster plant, I've had it since I started mad-scientisting at CHOPPERS. I'd just been screwing around trying to make a non-sentient plant that would say "feed me Seymour" when it was hungry, and eventually I just gave up, turned on an Improbability Generator, and started throwing stuff together randomly. Maybe I should name it Audry Nine-And-Three-Quarters. Anyway!

[He walks over to the half-completed machine and places the computer inside, connecting up the USB ports to bits inside it. He then takes out two sonic screwdrivers -- one from the 2006-present series, one from the Fourth Doctor era -- and starts going at it like it's a drumkit, finishing with a rimshot. There's a "ding" as if of a musical triangle.]

[Yar] Huzzah, it worked this time! Now it'll at least be able to *tell* if we need to reverse the polarity on the neutron flow ... But anyway! [goes over around to one end, which has a computer console type thingamajig.]

All set up, then?

[Yar] Right! Now I just need to test it.

[He operates the controls, and then hits "enter". There's some beeping and clanking noises from the machine, followed by some /really weird/ sci-fi sound effects, and a giant flash of light which seems to involve some sort of weird "intert colors" special effect before things fade back to normal. A katana in a sheath is pushed out of the slot. Yar goes over to pick it up.]

[Yar] Huzzah! [hamming it up] Behold, gentlemen, the Random Sword Generator 0.9! [hamming it back down again] I'll probably only be really finished with it once I've, uh, gotten a dedicated webhost and some more PHP skills, but anyway, this device can create a normal or magical sword, either completely randomly or within the specified parameters. You could get Sting one moment and some messed-up thing that no human could possibly lift without psychokinesis the next. Let's see ...

[He goes and examines the screen, from which he reads aloud:]

[Yar] Name: Touhou. Powers: Delayed Reaction, Blade Essence, Sort Of Generalized Unearthly Aura. [starts to draw it] Well, I guess it doesn't LOOK too ... unearthly. Well, unless you try to sense for magic anyway ... hmm.

[Monster Plant] [right behind him] FEED ME SEYM--

[There's a sort of flash of light and a "slicey" sound effect, and then Yar's standing with the katana fully drawn and pointed past the Auto Seymour Maker; the Monster Plant has frozen in place as if startled. He hesitates, then puts the katana back in its sheath, at which point the Auto Seymour Maker falls in half]

[Monster Plant] DEADZILOP! [its monster-maw-thing falls off]

[Yar] ... uh ... Something tells me I ought to be careful with this. And look up exactly what "Blade Essence" means again, I must've added a hundred obscure sword-powers.

*Nods*

I wish you luck.

[Yar] Yeah, uh ... sorry about the long posts without much for you to interact with ... [puts down the katana, then walks over to the controls of the Random Sword Maker and pokes at the screen a bit] Hmm ... I may undelete my "Spells" page (A570610) and use that for things like this ... of course, I *could* just make a new page altogether ...

Either one would probably suffice. I'd opt for keeping the spells page where it is, if only for the sake of posterity.

[Yar] Thou makest a pretty awesome point there, Affy. Incidentally ... "Blade Essence", it turns out, means that when you swing it, it leaves in its wake a trail of ... sword-ness, or "cutting"-ness, which spreads out a bit further than the actual wake of the sword. Probably wouldn't do much more damage than if the katana itself was there, though. But you can do this!

[He gets out a piece of paper, folds it into a paper airplane, tosses it, and swings the katana; it comes up short, but there's a glassy-looking blur in its wake which doesn't come up short, creating a gash in its wing.]

Yes, but can it make Julienne Fries?

[Yar] [pauses, and considers this] You know, you just MIGHT. Of course, now I'm imagining what'd happen if other things had the Delayed Reaction effect ...


A man writes a piece of paper with a pen, but no ink seems to come out. He puts the pen back into its cap, and his signature suddenly appears in a slight splattering of ink.


[Yar] Anyway, the list I've made so far is at A26765175 ... yikes, are guide entries at eight digits already!? [checks list of deleted entries] ... oh. Right. I already had an eight-digit entry, I'd just tossed that one, too.

Aye. 'Tis bizarre, no?