h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Posted Jan 17, 2000

Hurray! I survived the holidays! Now I'm back in Southampton, and back on my computer, and trying to catch up with H2G2. And I'm playing Unreal Tournament a lot. In fact I've been playing it for about four days and I've nearly completed it, two levels to go.
My housemates are stressing about their exams... GNYAhahaha I'm sooo glad I'm not a student any more. I can play UT all I like. (as opposed to playing UT all I like and feeling horribly guilty)
One thing I MUST do now is get a job, because I've run out of money. If I haven't got any interviews within a week, you all have permission to hit me over the head with my cactus.

I think that I'm going to concentrate on writing and editing articles, rather than the forums, now... mainly because last year I spent so much time catching up with all the conversations that I rarely wrote any articles. After all, H2G2 is built around the articles.

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Latest reply: Jan 17, 2000

Christmas

Posted Dec 21, 1999

I'm about to go home for Christmas. And so I won't have access to computers until the new year, and then just for a couple of days.... and then I won't have access again until the 17th of January. So if you're wondering where I am, I'm not on H2G2, I'm sitting in a cold house in the middle of Wales, reading Asterix books and playing chess with my parent's labrador.

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Latest reply: Dec 21, 1999

Christmas party

Posted Dec 10, 1999

Note to self. Get:

Christmas tree
Fairy lights
Baubles
Tinsel
Kenny Angel
South Park tree chocs
Streamers
Balloons
Holly
Ivy
Mince pies
Turkey
Bacon
Sausages
Potatoes
Peas
Carrots
Gravy
Stuffing
Cranberry Sauce
Christmas pudding
Cream
Brandy
Ice cream
Coins
Christmas cake
Tablecloth
Candles
Coloured light bulbs
Chocolates
Fudge
Dates
Nuts
Turkish Delight
Crackers
Coloured tissue paper
Napkins
Wine glasses
Party poppers
Biscuits
Edam
Cheddar
Brie
Stilton
Smoked cheese
Camenbert

Oh, and guests

Can anyone tell me if I've forgotten anything?

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Latest reply: Dec 10, 1999

I like cheese on toast

Posted Nov 29, 1999

I have just noticed that the cunning HTML has been removed from my entry subjects. Well it was nice while it lasted. I did have my nicer pages' titles in bold, so they would stand out on link bars. So much for my egocentricness ... this probably relates to one of Peregrin's Fables.

In other news: My doctor told me that it is probably for the best that I don't have a job at the moment, and recommends I don't look for one yet. Well that just suits me fine ... ... until my money runs out, that is.

But conveniently enough, I got an email today from Peta asking me to be an ACE (Assistant Community Editor). I would luuuurve to. It will keep me occupied, at least. My only worry is that soon my phone bill will resemble a small defence budget. In the last month, since I got my own internet access, it has increased 3194%. That is *thirty times* what it was before.
The other guys in this house are just as bad... the phone is permanently engaged, to internet or girlfriends, from 6pm to 2am. People cannot phone in without using Call Waiting for days, and when they do finally get through they've usually forgotten what they were phoning about in the first place.
We've tried to take steps to eliminate this problem. One solution is for me to beat anyone who uses the phone for more than an hour with a baseball bat and a rubber duck. This didn't really work because I tend to use the phone for about three hours myself, and the others are too afraid of me to beat *me* up.
Another possible solution is for us to get another phone line. This idea sounds ridiculous, especially for a student house with four blokes in it, but is actually logical. It would only cost something like £8 a month extra, and would free up our phone system no end. We eventually decided against this because free lease on several phone lines would mean we would all end up with even larger phone bills than before.
Instead, what we are going to do is argue and bicker about the phone usage as normal. We are assured by Cable & Wireless that Southampton will have cable internet access in the spring of next year. That sounds gooood. Extremely good. As well as being faster than a greased whippet on Speed, cable access means free calls. We already have cable TV and that is pretty cool.
I have got used to big companies letting me down, so my hopes are not raised too much. But if they do stick to their promise, I will be one very happy Peregrin.

The only other development in my life recently that is worth noting is that today the sink blocked while I was out, and all my housemates are too cowardly to even try to unblock it. When I was spooning solid fat out of the U-bend, one of them was nearly sick. I'm the only one who is brave enough to clean the toilet, too. And I'm almost always the one to empty the bin. And evict spiders and slugs.

Admittably, I am terrified by potatoes. But that's a different matter entirely...

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Latest reply: Nov 29, 1999

Quotes

Posted Nov 26, 1999

I like quotes. These are a selection of quotes that mean something to me. Some are humourous. Some have deep and important meaning. Some have both. None are intended to offend, but may question your beliefs.

"Democracy is two wolves and a sheep voting on lunch."
"Stalin, Kruschev and Brezhnev are travelling on a train. The train breaks down. 'Fix it!,' orders Stalin. They repair it but still the train doesn't move. 'Shoot the guilty ones!' screams Stalin. They shoot everyone but still the train doesn't budge. Stalin dies. 'Rehabilitate everyone!' orders Kruschev. They are rehabilitated, but still the train won't go. Kruschev is removed. 'Close the curtains,' orders Brezhnev, 'and tell everyone we're moving!'"
"DRUNKENNESS, noun: A temporary but popular cure for Catholicism." - Charles T Sprading
"An ageing man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes. So he wrote to his son about it and recieved the reply, 'For Christ's sake, don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried the guns.' At 4a.m. the next morning a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened, asking him what to do now? The reply: 'Now just put the potatoes in.'" - Anon, Leeds Other Paper, December 1990
"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives." - Annie Dillard
"Babies simply have no concept of the fundamentally fractal nature of reality" - Mandelbrot
"If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"In communism, man exploits man, while with democracy the reverse is the case."
"Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else."
"Morituri non cognant" - Those who are about to die ... just don't know.
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable ... There is another theory which states that this has already happened." - Douglas Adams
"Those who live as if there was no afterlife will gain nothing if they are proved to be right and will lose everything if they are proved to be wrong. Those who live as if the present influences the next world have lost nothing if they are proved to be wrong, and will have gained everything if they are proved to be right." - Blaise Pascal
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it" - Franklin P. Jones
"Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again." - F. P. Jones
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." - Douglas Adams
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." - Irving Caesar
"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations." - David Friedman
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other." - Eric Hoffer
"I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words." - Jo Ramos
"There are two essential basic strategies for success in business: 1. Never reveal all you know."
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." - Carl Zwanzig
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"To get rid of an enemy, one must love him." - Leo Tolstoy
"Middle age is when your age begins to show around your middle." - Bob Hope
"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument." - W. McAdoo
"Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures." - S. Johnson
"Windows 95 (noun): 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operation system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition."
"Common-looking people are the best in the world; that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them." - Abraham Lincoln
"People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing that they like." - Abraham Lincoln
"Do not be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm with two small jumps." - David Lloyd George
"Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime."
"A cure for believing that prisons work is to go and visit one." - Andrew Adonis, The Observer newspaper
"In a world without fences and borders, who needs windows and gates!" - e-mail signature
"Armistice was signed on November 11th, 1918, and since then we have had two minutes of peace every year." - From a schoolgirl's essay
"Violence has no place in our society. Anyone who preaches violence should be shot like a dog." - Heard on KGO Radio, San Francisco
"A poster read: 'God is dead' - Nietzche. The graffiti underneath read: 'Nietzche is dead' - God."
"A black man was sitting on the doorstep of a white church in South Africa, weeping. Christ comes up to him and asks him why he is crying. 'They won't let me in.' 'I know exactly how you feel,' the Lord sympathises, 'I haven't been able to get in there for years myself.'"
A Rumanian asked for permission to emigrate to England. 'What's the matter?' asked the official. 'Hasn't the state given you a comfortable flat?' 'I can't complain.' 'Haven't you got a good job?' 'I can't complain.' 'Then why on earth do you want to emigrate to England?' 'Because there I can complain.' - Told in God's Underground - Richard Wurmbrand
"One person cannot change the world, but you can change the world for one person." - Tearfund employee
"Beaten paths are for beaten men."
"How can I change the world if I can't even change myself?" - Salva Mea - Faithless
"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less" - Nicholas Butler
"Corruption, the most infallible sympton of constitutional liberty." - Edward Gibbon
"Diplomacy is to do and say ... The nastiest thing in the nicest way" - Isaac Goldberg
"A beggar can never be bankrupt."
"Public opinion, a vulgar, impertinent, anonymous tyrant who deliberately makes life unpleasant for anyone who is not content to be the average man."
"The modern town-dweller has no God and no Devil; he lives without awe, without admiration, without fear." - William Inge
"The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything." - Edward Phelps
"One on God's side is a majority." - Wendell Phillips
"The Republican form of government is the highest form of government; but because of this it requires the highest type of human nature - a type nowhere at present existing." - Herbert Spencer
"Did you ever expect a corporation to have a conscience, when it has no soul to be damned, and no body to be kicked?" - Edward Thurlow
"If you live a lie, you'll die a liar" - Cerys Mathews, Catatonia

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Latest reply: Nov 26, 1999