Journal Entries
7th March 2004
Posted Mar 24, 2004
Little did I know at the time, but wandering around Edinburgh all night last week was only a warm-up/cool-down for this weekend's Celtic-Rangers game. It had a 12 noon Sunday kick-off, so four of us were up in the bro-in-law's house at 10am drinking cans, then to the pub after the game. I think I left the pub just after 6pm and jumped on a 61 bus home to the city centre. 
Unfortunately I fell asleep 
and ended up getting kicked off at the terminus about two miles from home. "I'll just jump onto that 18 back into the city centre", thought I. Next thing I know it's dark and I'm getting kicked off at another terminus in the middle of nowhere, East Kilbride with not a house or pub in sight and it's freezing with a capital Brass Monkey - I was only wearing a t-shirt and light denim jacket as it had been sunny in Glasgow. The bus drove off and then after a further 2 seconds the wind started cutting thru me and reached my by now distended bladder. So I nipped behind the bus shelter to answer the call of nature and ...wanna guess? Yep, a bus came bombing down the road and right past me whilst I was trapped in midstream. 
Bear in mind this was a Sunday night and buses aren't exactly thick on the ground.
I was reduced to drunken jogging about on the spot to try and stave off the cold when an "Out of Service" bus passed after 20 minutes and stopped about half a mile down this country road, so I worked my way towards it and practically begged the driver to let me on to her unheated bus and out of the cold. Fortunately she laughed when she heard how many miles I had missed my stop by and let me on, so I sat there chittering until she started her run about half an hour later. Next thing I know I'm being woken up by the driver shaking me and saying, "This is Cowcaddens". It had taken me four hours and five toes to complete my half hour journey home.
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Latest reply: Mar 24, 2004
Edinburgh
Posted Mar 24, 2004
Discovered at six am that the warmest place in Edinburgh is the toilets in Waverley Station. Only lost two more fingers to frostbite while I waited there for two hours.
No one tried to pick me up, so obviously the crane-hire shops are closed or I'm ugly
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Latest reply: Mar 24, 2004
Death Evasion
Posted May 19, 1999
Afters years of research, I have reached the conclusion that there is a definite correlation between the date you were born and the likelihood of you being dead. For instance, apart from the Queen Mum, can anyone name me someone who was born in 1768 and is still alive?
Obviously there are a few exceptions to this rule, I have seen bumper stickers proclaiming "Jesus Lives", but have never managed to trace the guy, he has so many addresses and aliases. Another exception I have found is that parents who call their first child SID won't be parents for very long. There are many SIDs screwing up my figures, so if you have a child, best call it something else if you want to claim child benefit for a while.
A tip for living longer would seem to be getting a later date of birth than your present one. Unfortunately, I have had to halt my research due to lack of funds just as I am on the verge of proving this theory. So all donations will be gratefully accepted and put to good use sitting in pubs (field research) talking to old men about who's died recently.
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Latest reply: May 19, 1999
Wumbeevil
Researcher U37312
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