h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

 Afters years of research, I have reached the conclusion that there is a definite correlation between the date you were born and the likelihood of you being dead. For instance, apart from the Queen Mum, can anyone name me someone who was born in 1768 and is still alive?
Obviously there are a few exceptions to this rule, I have seen bumper stickers proclaiming "Jesus Lives", but have never managed to trace the guy, he has so many addresses and aliases. Another exception I have found is that parents who call their first child SID won't be parents for very long. There are many SIDs screwing up my figures, so if you have a child, best call it something else if you want to claim child benefit for a while.
A tip for living longer would seem to be getting a later date of birth than your present one. Unfortunately, I have had to halt my research due to lack of funds just as I am on the verge of proving this theory. So all donations will be gratefully accepted and put to good use sitting in pubs (field research) talking to old men about who's died recently.

How about buying a forged birth certificate? This way you could chop off twenty years of your life. Apparently it fools the Inland Revenue, so I'm sure you wouldn't have too much difficulty fooling Death.

(I would insert some encouraging motto here, like 'Vote Peregrin - Cheat Death' - but everything I say nowadays seems to be taken really seriously by the other candidates and they'd probably swarm over here looking for proof)

Damn! Thought I'd finally got some funding for my alcohol abu . . err field research there. Ah well, the (George) Best laid plans of mice and men etc.

A forged birth certificate. Hmmm, isn't that what Marvin the Paranoid Android has, or is that a drop-forged birth certificate, I can never remember?

This idea certainly seems worthy of further investigation. I just wonder, can you claim tax rebates from the Inland Revenue once you have established a new birth date of twenty years later? Officially you'll have paid taxes from the age of minus four. I doubt if even the IR could make a case for taxing immature sperm cells and egg follicles. Even Empress Thatcher wouldn't have sent egg follicles down the pits to work (tho mainly cos she'd already closed them I guess).

Sorry, am I taking your suggestion too seriously?

Howsabout going for the dyslexic sympathy vote? PEREGRIN FOR PRESIDENT - HE'S GOT AIDES. Or there's even VOTE PEREGRIN, HE'S IMMORAL. Yeah, the latter would not only have dyslexics believing you could cheat death, but would also be seen by others as an open and honest campaign from someone with the right qualification for the job.

Hmmm. maybe 'VOTE' is just a little too close to 'VETO' for dyslexics, tho I'd hesitate to replace it with 'ELECT' . . .

As it happens, I myself am Dyslexic.

Nac you tel?

Bad joke that you've probably heard 100 times before:

What does D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

Hadn't even heard it once. Still my luck had to run out sometime!

OK Old dyslexics it is:

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac and an agnostic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He spent all his money on a warehouse.

Any more of these and I'm gonna blow my head off with a gnu.

Hey! I was gonna tell the pimp joke.
Spoil-sprat.

[sorry, couldn't help it]

Aghar! I can't take it anymore.

fester, fester

*The room is suddenly filled with the buzzing of flies, attracted by the sound of a gnu going off*

Eek! Gnus! Not again. I have nightmares about them. Or was that prunes? Whatever.

Prunes have nightmares about gnus? Plant Psychology Today must hear of this.

Hi,

I feel you have a very definite point hidden under all the fountain of information that you are giving us. May be it is this at people hide all there older relatives that have been around from before 1900, I mean it could be a conspiracy. But then again, who wants to be around for all that time any way. Just imagine how much you would have to absorb if you were that age. If when you were a kid everyone travelled by horse and buggy and it would take you 5 hours to get to town. Now you can get on a concord and it will take you 5 hours to get from one side of the Atlantic to the other. That is if it does not stop in the middle. So in 100 years from now will we be able to make the outer solar system in 5 hours. Naa I think I will keep my feet on the ground and die when I have had enough.

Moondancer

I still live in the 1980's

Just imagine how much your clothes would have to absorb if you were that age!

You can keep your feet on the ground if you want while you're living, but you'll have no say in the matter when your family fires you into Alpha Centauri for the ultimate ecofriendly funeral.

...just as long as you're not a modern romantic Happy Dude.

(I've got tickets to see Duran Duran next month ?)