h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Little did I know at the time, but wandering around Edinburgh all night last week was only a warm-up/cool-down for this weekend's Celtic-Rangers game. It had a 12 noon Sunday kick-off, so four of us were up in the bro-in-law's house at 10am drinking cans, then to the pub after the game. I think I left the pub just after 6pm and jumped on a 61 bus home to the city centre. Unfortunately I fell asleep and ended up getting kicked off at the terminus about two miles from home. "I'll just jump onto that 18 back into the city centre", thought I. Next thing I know it's dark and I'm getting kicked off at another terminus in the middle of nowhere, East Kilbride with not a house or pub in sight and it's freezing with a capital Brass Monkey - I was only wearing a t-shirt and light denim jacket as it had been sunny in Glasgow. The bus drove off and then after a further 2 seconds the wind started cutting thru me and reached my by now distended bladder. So I nipped behind the bus shelter to answer the call of nature and ...wanna guess? Yep, a bus came bombing down the road and right past me whilst I was trapped in midstream. Bear in mind this was a Sunday night and buses aren't exactly thick on the ground.

I was reduced to drunken jogging about on the spot to try and stave off the cold when an "Out of Service" bus passed after 20 minutes and stopped about half a mile down this country road, so I worked my way towards it and practically begged the driver to let me on to her unheated bus and out of the cold. Fortunately she laughed when she heard how many miles I had missed my stop by and let me on, so I sat there chittering until she started her run about half an hour later. Next thing I know I'm being woken up by the driver shaking me and saying, "This is Cowcaddens". It had taken me four hours and five toes to complete my half hour journey home.

I'm guessing you're not going to get on a bus ever again now?

Of course I will, it's all part of the great drinking experience.

It usually happens about five times a season, but I'm gradually getting further and further away from my house. Last season my best attempt was Cambuslang...heading East!

I'm beginning to think I was conceived or born on a bus.

...and, Yes they did have buses in those days.

I didn's say nuffin

Nuffin