h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

try as you might
you will not win
i'm up for this fight
i will not give in

your threats are just idle
you carry no threat
to your side i will sidle
with a bucket.oh look.you're all wet

i'll turn on the fan
to help get you dry
and watch from the van
as into the air you fly

oh dear look where you landed
you are in a muddle
and now you are stranded
in a big muddy puddle

Oh please! is that it?
the best you can do?
I expected more of a challenge
from you!

Wheres you spirit?
wheres your fight?
your meek as a lamb
and have no might!

So your 'white van man'
i should have guessed
sarnies and a flask
stripped down to your vest.

Arm out the window
radio up high
leering at the girls
as they walk by.

Driver by day
couch potato by night
'slobbing' around
unable to fight

Your get up and go
got up and went
your all out of steam
your energy spent

Vicotry is mine
its there for the taking
I'll savour this moment
and do some cake baking.

dream on old wench
i am not done
cor whats that stench
you call that a scone

your cooking is vile
you're showing your age
would you like a file
to get out of your cage
that wart on your nose
gets bigger by the day
you'll soon need a hose
to wash it away

and as for the rest
its no wonder you can't stand
you're spreading east and west
are you eating for England

gone are your looks
and your hair is all thin
its time for old and haggard cooks
to be thrown in the bin

Your insults have reached
an all time low,
your hatred for me
just seems to grow.

I wonder what
could be the cause
i guess in your case
its the male menopause.

Your mood swings
are getting out of hand
your turning into
a grumpy old man.

You've lost your libido
Your belly has spread
you snore like a trouper
and your no good in bed

What was up north
has now gone south
nothing is working
except your mouth!

i have offended you
that was not my intent
a mutual respect has grew
in the messages we've sent

your forgiveness i ask for
i was out of order without doubt
if you wish to show me the door
i'll leave now "please don't shout"

You are forgiven
i won't hold a grudge
i guess your still my friend
my lovable nudgenudge.

Now please lighten up
this is meant to be fun
perhaps i can tempt you
with this currant bun.

Its great for throwing
or a paper wieght
it will even prop open
the garden gate

Just a small token
to make amend
especially for
my little friend

i've already begun
to see your plan
it'll start with a bun
and end with a flan

i won't get caught out
i'll stay one step ahead
i'll keep looking about
for cheese and stale bread

don't get cocky or smrt
and think that you're winning
heading your way is a tart
and thats just the beginning

i'll shower you with sticky stuff
and the contents from the drain
then cover you with feathers and fluff
give us a quiche,lorraine

I would'nt say i was 'cocky'
although i am very smart
I'll be adult and resist the temptation
to fling this strawberry tart

I'm sorry to disapoint you
but i have no plan
by the way you just missed
with that sticky flan

My heart is not in this
as i've lost a dear friend
my weeks been real crap
where will it all end



I'll return soon
and cntinue to play
till then take care
what more can i say

I guess you have deserted me
as i havent had a rhyme.
Maybe your to busy
and just havent had the time.

This thread has been a good one
is it time to close the door?
to gather dust and cobwebs
as no one visits anymore.

Maybe you've lost inspiration
We cartainly covered some themes
caught up in another time
and acting out out the scenes.

I've enjoyed this thread immensely
and i'll be sorry to see it die
I'll close the door as i leave
is this the last goodbye?

turn around bright eyes
close the door on your way in
its not time for goodbyes
lets break out the brandy and gin

we'll toast your return
and drink till we're dry
we'll laugh,sing and yearn
till we fall down and cry

for you times have been tough
and i've missed the gentle banter
you seem like you've had enough
you've gone from a gallop to a canter

dry your eyes,put on a smile
get out the tracksuit we'll go for a jog
over hill and dale till we've run a mile
and under the moon of love gissa SNOG


ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE

Ooh i'll have a gin please
a large one would be nice
a splash of tonic
ice and a slice.

The wheel of fate
dealt me a bum card
Its been a crap time
and i've found it hard

I'll pass on the jogging
its not my style
i would'nt run for a bus
let alone for a mile.

Heres a BIG SMILE
to say i'm on the mend
so you better watch out
my little friend

I'll soon be on form
to give you some cheek
so stay alert
i'm plotting as we speak.

Your kind words have touched me
and cheered me no end
as for a snog
dream on my dy dear friend!

Its good to be back
Thanks T

they say times a healer
maybe thats what you need
fate is only the dealer
sometimes you follow,sometimes you lead

i do not wish to pry
as all is not clear
but if you feel the need to cry
there's a shoulder waiting here

we all have to cope
with things that aren't right
so go forth with hope
don't buckle under,stand up and fight

words are all i can give
to help you see this through
you have a life to live
the most important person is you

I lost my cat
then got dumped by text!
my healths not been good
have i been cursed by a hex?

You would think by now
i could win this life game
but each time i try
its just more of the same

I have a good heart
but i'm fiesty at times
you can probably tell
by some of my rhymes

Its in the past now
so no more will i say
Its pushed to the back
and will soon go away

I'm here its now
theres a fight to be won
so come on get writing
BRING IT ON!!

that was some poem T. thanks for being a friend, its just what i need right now. All my friends have been great Jen

so where do we start
now peace is done
the proverbial tart
or the outdated bun

you're way beyond running
it takes your breath away
so with a little bit of cunning
i'll have my wicked way

i'll race you to the gate
loser makes the tea
when i get there i'll wait
cos the winner will be me

no sugar in mine
i'm sweet enough
on the table by my chair,thats fine
feet up,paper and other stuff

i'll put on a song
and i'll whistle while you work
make sure you don't go wrong
you'll get punished if you shirk

Did someone mention work?
That reminds me i've a job for you.
The lounge it needs decorating
oh! and the bedroom too.

Theres ceilings to be painted
and walpaper to be stripped
I'd love to stay and help
but i've a lunch date
toodle-pip.

You'll have to make your own tea
as i plan to be out all day
you better do dinner aswell
and remember to clear away!

I should be home by midnight
But i expect you'll be alseep
I could wake you and tell you about my day
Errr maybe not i guess it'll keep!

well i've done all your work
and tidied the mess
i've allowed you to shirk
and buy your new dress

i'm off with the lads
we're going round the town
i've heard theres a girl called mads
who sings in "The Crown"

if i play my cards right
she'll do a solo song
i'll resist with all my might
but the night may be long

i'll be home in time to wake you
with a cuppa and a smile
enjoy your day at work,toodle oo
i'm off to bed for a while

Did you say Mads?
she sings with a band?
this could be interesting
she's really a man!!
An 'uphill gardener'
so they say
i'd watch your back
if she asks you to 'play'
The place looks lovely
you deserve a night off
i'll stay here
and nurse my poor cough
All that shopping
has done me in
so when you come home
please don't make a din.
I'll think of you
while i'm warm and snug
fighting off 'Mads'
trying to give you a hug!!!!

please wake up i need to talk
i'm sore all over
i'm struggling to walk

mads was a man
as you rightly said
i only guessed he was a tran
when "she" took me to bed

he tied me to the bed
and had his wicked way
his real name was fred
he kept me there all day

i'm tired and sore
my head feels light
i'm not going out the door
please hold me tight

i'll stay at home
if thats ok
i'll polish the chrome
and tidy away

aawww you poor thing
you've had a fright
being tied up to Freds bed
all night.

I'll run you a warm bath
and fetch the cream
but i'm not doing 'those' bits
if you know what i mean.

So you learnt a great lesson
about playing away from home
i hope it stays with you
and no more will you roam.

I'll look after you
and hold you tight
when you wake up screaming
in the middle of the night

Reliving the experience
with the dharstadly Fred
how he tied you up
on his king sized bed

Come to think of it
its really quiet funny
theres no fool like an old fool
and thats you honey!!

the nightmares are going
and the pain has eased a lot
the bruises are not showing
though it's still sore in the "slot"

as a way of saying thankyou
i will take you for a meal
your clothes will all be new
and your hair will be by L'oreal

we will watch the setting sun
whilst eating "Desperate Dan Pie"
in the "Longboat" at Netherton
across the table eye to eye

we'll go home contented
and i'll wait for you in bed
the room will be all scented
and all my clothes will be shed

you can expect a night of wonder
beyond your wildest dreams
you're my lightning,feel my thunder
lets swim together in your streams.

footnote: The Longboat is a Pub built around an old narrowboat at Netherton which is a small town not far from Dudley.