h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*lays blanket on thread*



*picnic basket*



*ciggies*

Oh ... health conscious ... Menthol? Nah!

What else?



*portable telly*

Right. Is that everything?

*spitspitspotspit*

No!



*umberellas*



Better get the stuff out ready for him.

*choccy puddings with strawberries on top* *banana yoghurts* *strawberry milkshakes* *lemon drizzle cake* *fruit flavoured lollipops*





*half 'wiches* (health conscious idea, see?)

Scrap that.

*huge 'wich with sandwich accessories oozing out the sides*

Oh, wow! A ciggipiccipigginic! Fabbo!

Health conscious in the sense that it's going to make me conscious of my health, yes? Afterwards. Maybe *scoffchompscoff*

I'm sure there was picnicky food here.

But I saved lots - look, look over here

*crumbs*

Ah. Well, there were definitely some cakes left over here

*more crumbs*

Oh. Well, some fizzy p...

*upside downy drip drip*

Blimey. Surely I didn't have all the 'wiches

















































*Forty-seven of the very finest 'wiches known to humanity*

Wahey!

But I didn't make that many. They must have bred while our backs were turned.

The 'wiches have gone forth and multiplied?

This is it! The big one! We must secure a business loan and open at least twelvety branches of 'Footie 'n' Trin's International House of 'Wiches' at once!

Right - you get on the phone to the FSBC* and I'll get a biro out and start skething the sign.

* Flants & Squirrels Banking Corporation

I'm tho exthited that I've developed a lithp.

That'll be our gimmick!

"Come thtuff yerthelf at F'n'T's I.H.O.W."

Squirrel says I've got to put down my attic as collateral

I'll do it!

I didn't think flats had attics ... Ooh, you sneaky squirrel sneaker.

We'll make so many people happy and thuffed with thanwithes.

It's almost like a charity

Though we'll obviously be charging an arm and a leg

We ought to have some sort of opening day thpectacular!

A demonstration of mouth drumming

You little money grabber.

We can get the flants to perform their ritual fire dance in front of the shop too.

And then sell thpethal toathtie thanwithes!

Oo, we can charge even more for flant-flamed toathtieth

We should have flant staff to run around with the 'wiches and collect the very reasonable payments. Which only leaves us with the really big decision - where are we going to put the fridge in our office? And are we having swivelly chairs or cubey beanbags?

The flant staff don't ask for much of a wage either. They adore our old pocket crumbs.

We'll be rich, rich, I tell thee!

This isn't going to be the point where the grand scheme falls down, is it?

We're going to have a heated argument about whether the fridge sits in your corner or mine and the whole business will melt.



We'll have the fridge between us in the middle of the office.

I think that with all the money we'll be bringing in (a small fraction of it will be burnt to light cigars, naturally) that we'll be able to afford both cubey beanbags *and* swivel chairs.

We can spin each other around and fall off onto the beanybags.

I've called in a team of time-motion experts (flants, of course) to give a bit of a presentation on how much chair-swivelling-beanbaggy-flinging we can expect in the first year of business. Over to you...

*flant points at graph*

Hmmm. So, you're saying that we can have at least a hundred and five swivel-flings a day in the first few months, but after that we'll be able to expand considerably?

*flant nods*

Good, good. So, what about the danger of hitting the fridge?

*second flant turns slide projector on and points at picture of cushions strapped to fridge*

Marvellous. Now, the really key question - how much of the profit margin will be edible? How many visits a day can the management expect to be making to the 'wich store?

*third flant makes big circular motion with front feet*

That much? Thankyou team - the waiter flants will be happy to reimburse you for your time downstairs. With 'wiches. Enjoy!

You have thought this through.

I made a pie chart.

But, you know ...

Now then, we'll have to advertise the business. Footie 'n' Trin's International House of 'Wiches will inevitably catch on and be spread by word of flant, but we'd better cover our backs just in case they don't make it out of the shop.

Posters on lamp posts just won't give it the oomph it requires.

Hmmm.

We could create a partnership with the choccy pudding people and advertise on each others packaging. One choccy pudding gets you a token to buy a crustie bit ...

A16762728

Are we not doing our own choccy pudding then? I sense an opportunity to eat as much ch... I mean, to tap into the lucrative choccy pudding market is there to be grasped!

Of course we can. I just thought that the pudding might prove too tempting at first. But no, we can resist (in a lick the bowl as we make it type of way).

Oo, no, yes, of course, restraint, yes...

Oooooooooohoohooohoohooooooooohoo

Well, we should show a little restraint in front of the customers.

But behind closed doors.

Nah, scrap that.

We should show the customers that even the choccy pudding makers can't resist the choccy goodness.