h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yeerrrs, I'll bet Christmas day's a laugh a minute round your house

Sorry, but I can't possibly ever let this drop...you posted to Points of View...you great, big, mardy arse, middle Englander! Wait 'til Footie gets a whiff of this.

It's not my first time either

I can't remember what the other one was about though

Oo! Yes I can! It was about Sue Barker going 'hum' too much when listening to responses in interviews.

I notice she's stopped doing it now.

One to me, I think. Oh yes.

Oh dear. It's a slippery slope man, next you'll be a Scout master

Oh sweet Jesus! It's too late...you're too far gone

These people need to be told. Nothing wrong with that. Just as there's nothing wrong with sensible haircuts and going to bed at a reasonable hour. This country is going to the dogs *muttermutter* sliding *mutter* national service *muttermutter* me any harm.

N'aawww, now that's something that I think would be funny...you in the army. Go on, join up, send us pictures and vidayo reports of you hiding behind the tanks.

I've done me time in the forces, thanks *sniff*

Cadet Corps

Them uniforms are terribly itchy.

Oh, that's just too precious. Photies! Photies! Photies!

I've got no photies at all, I'm afraid. I was only fourteen

Bet Mrs Tragula has though...now, to set about locating, stalking and ingratiating myself with Mrs T



Tea and cake deary? Have some do. So, *nonchalant slurpy* where is it your mater and pater dwell? *pinkie aloftness*

Oo *schlurp* ta *chomp*

Let me be clearer. There are no photies. This was not a photieworthy thing.

This was a compulsory activity at my school, a year in the Corps, Friday afternoons doing pointless military things and occasionally being sent off camping or yomping under the supervision of slightly older boys who, having chosen to keep doing this, were by nature sadists.

We were a conscript army. Morale was terrible. If the Russians had turned up, I'd have happily made them all 'wiches and told them where the capitalist pigdogs were hiding.

Alright!

And I'm sure you wore your Che Guevara T-shirt under your uniform too, you big rebel

As there are no photies, I shall have the cake back *snatch*

Now...what else can I pesterise you with *thinks*

Blummin' did and all There was quite a lot of underground subversion, as you can imagine.

Can you take cake back? That seems a bit rough

Then did you all go back to the dorm and have midnight feasts and tell spooky stories by torchlight under the covers and have japes stealing matron's surgical stockings?

It's a cake eat cake world out there soldier, you gotta have the intestinal worm like hunger to survive

Oddly enough...

No

(Though there was a matron )



From each according to her cake tin, to each according to his needs (for cake).

Oh really?

So, did you go to a Mallory Towers like school then? Like a big, posh, swotty boff?

Some hae cake and cannae eat, and some would eat that want it, but I hae cake and I can eat, Sae let the Flants be thankit.

Yes, just like a big, posh, bunteresque, swotty boff

But the flants aren't thankit, are they? They're hungry and cold and their little faces are pressed up against your windows.

A spectre is haunting your pantry.

The spectre of cakemunism

Whooooo, I've never met a proper one of yous before *pokes*...strange, you seem so, so, well, clearly, normal's not the right word here...but you know what I mean. No offence.

The flants so are too thankit, there's nothing they enjoy more than watching me eat cake. The ghosties can bog off though

What do you mean, a one of mes?