h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

And quite right too

Dear editor,

I am disgraced at the common usage....

...of a set of terminologies commonly placed apon those items which table-like in their majesty are often reduced by the ill-refrained person to be taken for granted and termed...

...inadequately for the matter to be used exclusively for beverages of a certain quality. Therefore I have took it upon myself to contest this prejudice of table qualities, which...

...you seem unwilling, or unable to provide fulness and frankness of rationalisation to the distinctions of which I am no highlighting to your attention, in the hope that...

...this disgraceful and, frankly, disgraceful anomaly will be banished from our language once and for...

...the sake of our children, our childrens children, football supporters, and window-cleaners alike, it is clearly, apparent that the hanious, and most indecent of all crimes of the kind that your publication has recently, and hithertoo frequently in the past, blighted and marred the developement of the clear, unambigious and rationalisationistic development of this clear and developmentally suscint logical conclusion of the way in which ou have...

...a luvverly bunch of coconuts, here they are all sitting in a row; big ones, small ones, some as big as your...

...inexplicible misuse of the terminology to which we draw your attention, short of entirely removing your...

...completely misguided usage of surface area prejudice. We believe that each surface area should be termed exclusively....

...and...

and.... furthermore, not withstanding the ilibility previously demonstrated, demonstrible evidence of appropiate terminology, including the desired distinctions as herein outlined must forthwith be applied to those appropiate surfaces in all instances, and, that, further to this, the level of indscrepencies regarding such sufaces be removed and in those cases, but not in other cases, where it is demed that an inexact terminology is required for purely, and restricted entirely to, artistic preocupationsof thos that...

...you...

...deem to use their surface domain in the correct terminology. In fact i believe that in time, with or without the support of your high standard newspaper journalism, we will distinguish that, although...

...at the present time we cannot rule out the possible use of force against certain furniture manufacturers who, our protests notwithstanding, persist in the despicable practice of...

...performing bunny hops in public whilst...

...all around is chaos. So, in summary...

...I would like to advise you to get that parakeet stuffed...

...before matters escalate to such a level that we have no option but to...