h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Silent nocturnal construction of flant hide large enough to contain Bill Oddie and camera crew and mobile enough to follow Footie pretty much everywhere*

Bill (whispering): Hello. You join us for Flantwatch 2005. All of you who wrote off for a Flantformation pack should have it by now, so you'll know we're in for an exciting time. Aren't we, Kate?

Kate Humble: Oh yes, Bill.

*Bill, Kate and camera crew lift up hide and move three feet to the left*

Bill: Wow.

Kate: Welcome back to Flantwatch '05 Live Update. We're all very excited here. Any flants yet Bill?

Bill: No Kate.

Kate: Wow. Er ... anything else? Swallows?

Bill: Oo, no, no swallows. Swallows eat flants.

Kate: Really?!?!?!!!!

Bill: Yes Kate.

Kate: Welcome back. So, Bill - any updates for our flant fan viewers?

Bill: Er, probably not Kate. It's dark.

Kate: *Chuckle* So why are you still watching out for them then?

Bill: I'm not. I'm back in the hotel. I'm talking to you over the intercom.

Kate: Great! And the camera crew?

Bill: Yup. Here. Hotel.

Kate: Excellent! So where am I staying?

Bill: In the hide. Let us know if you trip over anything flantish *click*

Kate: Wow.

Kate: Hey! Great! Wow! Day two of Flantwatch. Still no flants. No Bill either, though the camera crew are back - yes!

*Forced 'whoop' from camera crew*

Kate: But ... yes ... I think we've got Bill on OB. Where are you Bill? Out looking for flants?

Bill: No. Still in the hotel. Late lunch.

Kate: Er ... great. When are you coming back, Bill?

Bill: *sulkily* What do you care?

Kate: Why are you being like this Bill?

Bill: Like what?

Kate: Well, you're being horrid to me for a start

Bill: I've got just three words to say to you, Humble. Ben. Fogle. Safari. Park.

Kate: That's four words Bill. Er ... ha ha!

Bill: Whatever. You know, I really thought we had something. The swallows. The badgers. Those robins pooing on the fluffly microphone. And all this time you've been hanging round a safari park with that chinless wonder. Even went off to Africa, I understand.

Kate: Can we talk about this later Bill? We're trying to do a broadcast here

Bill: It's the elephants, isn't it? Doesn't matter how excited I get about warblers and wagtails and flants, you'll always be thinking of elephants and ... him *sob* *click*

*Lengthy pause*

Kate: We're going to take a break there viewers. Hope to have some news about ... flants, er, soon. Yes. Ha ha. Wow.

*red button clicks self and suddenly turns to Court 34a at Wimbledon instead*

Federer's in real trouble here, a break down in the fourth and Flant to serve.

*Plock!*

Oo, I say! An ace! Well done that flant!

Flants are playing with Brian Wilson!

"I get around, round, round, round, I get around"

Bill: Welcome back! Any news Ka...

Kate: Bog off, Oddie.

*Click*

Hey - you all right?

I was watching that!

Hi I'm having a bad day But I there's a lot of people having an even worse one today

How are you?

Also having a bad day. Bad days all round. General bad day.

Just thought you sounded a bit down on the 'WGH' thread

07-07-05 "The bad day"

Oh crap, now I'm being sad in three threads then Yeah, just something that's hitting home.

Having a crap day in the context of a big crap day, that's ... crappy.

Well, if you want to talk (or rant or anything), feel free. Otherwise -

Can I just take the for now?

Certainly - take two!

*click*

Bill: ... ook, what can I say? You were out here in the hide, we were running short of time, someone just happened to have Michaela Strachan's number on their mobile, it wasn't like a conspiracy or anyth...

Kate: You *know* how much I wanted that elephant gig, Bill. You *know*. I mean - Strachan? What's she done recently? How in touch is she with contemporary elephant matters?

Bill: Well ... you know, it's a bit like riding a bike, once you...

Kate: Oh, bog off Oddie. Just get lost. *Sob* Sorry viewers. Wow.

Took my niece and nephew to the swings and slides a few hours ago and got bombarded by flants Well, I did, anyway: seemed to miss them completely - I guess the flants recognise pushchairs and guess that humans under the age of three are going to think 'oo, I wonder what that tastes like?' Very wise, flants.

Any luck your end?

Enjoying recent Foxie/Wolfie/Spamboy/10.53sodoffohimsoooosorrywherewasiohyes10.53sodoffsorrysorrysorry developments enormously Think I must have missed most of today's live action, but I'm catching up fast

Children = sticky lollipops = Flant glue

I thought I saw one yesterday, but it turns out that it was just a wasp with low self esteem.

It was having trouble living up to it's peers expectations, so had landed in some black paint to disguise himself as a Flant.

The poor thing I'm trying to find a waspologist to help him get through this rough patch


He seems to have got a lot of peoples goat this afternoon. He's one of those people that I love to hate though

Sounds like an ITV 'documentary' - "When Wasps Despair"

I had all the sweets in my back pocket. Actually - mmmm - I think they're still there

He's a wonderful agent of harmony, isn't he? Bringing so many different people just that little bit closer. It was getting far too quiet when he was behaving himself last week - I wanted to give a little 'hooray' when I logged in today