h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

They have travelled, these last months, through rain and wind and snow, dragging their vast train of destruction and bloody war behind them. This ragged, tired and slightly smelly army of valiant sweetcorn warriors lift with excitement as they scent the nearness of their prize. All at once, it is upon them, the sight they have longed for: the wide escarpment of Plate Hill allows them the magnificent and thrilling vista of their yearned-for prize - there, in the distance, the fabled filo pastry battlements of Castle Gruyere.

Inside the ramparts, the mushroom legion feels a chill. They trust their sturdy leek lances and are ready to rain down burning hot peppercorns onto the heads of their foes. And yet... those worryingly yellow soldiers on the hilltop opposite are many and the mushrooms, though well-trained, are as nervous as they are few. Soon, the crash of leek on corn will ring through the air of the valley and the streets of Gruyere will run with the sauce of many brave warriors.

With no sound, a sweetcorn chieftain, just a tiny bit bigger than the rest, nods. All at once...

Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggeeeeee!!!!!

*Clash!* Biff, boof, ooya! *smash!* Hup, oooo, aieee!!! *chomp* Ow! *hack!* Oof!!! *munch munch* arggghhh!!!

Are there no survivors?

Not a single one

It was epic! The epicest tea eve... this week!!!

Oo, ah'm stoooofed *flump*

Not even one weak pepper that hid on the other side of Plate Hill?

*checks under plate*

There is! There is! One solitary pepper pageboy who got away from the carnage by sheer chance to tell the tale of *munch* bravery and heroism that will live on till *chew chew* there are no more...

*pause*

Where's he gone?

He's gone to meet his friends in belleaven.

All carousing together in Tumhalla!

SHE...

... was a sausage, lonely and tired, seeking a friendly face in the anonymous space of a deserted mashed-potato station waiting room.

HE...

... was a pea from the wrong side of the tracks, fleeing the Spanish Civil War with only a kitbag and a head full of nightmares.

THEIR EYES...

... met across Onion Platform 4. And the rest... was destiny!

"Oh, pea - will I ever see you again?"

"Best you forget, my love"

"Oh pea..."

"Oh sausage..."

TOOT!

"Quickly - your fork train is waiting."

"Goodbye pea. I don't care what you say. I'll never forget you."

"Goodbye sausage." (Waves chive hankie)

TOOT TOOT! *puffapuffa puffapuffa*

That was beautiful. *sniffle*

Is it out on deeveedoo?

Will be soon, with the special alternative endings, where he runs after her and falls off the edge of the plate

Is there an alternative ending where they get together and live happily ever after in a pork pie house?

Er... yes. Maybe. No... yes! Yes there is

Peas and sausages - it was never meant to be

If only Disney had made it.

SHE...

... was a meerkat who likes shopping (Voice: Scarlett Johansson)

HE

... was a wildebeeste with several amusing neuroses (Voice: David Schwimmer)

OTHER HE

... was a deformed brussels sprout with a squeaky voice (Robin Williams or possible Alec Baldwin) who does Elton's soundtrack...

Can you feeeeel the mash tonight?

Hmmm...

It's twaddle, but at least they get together.



All right, maybe not then.

How 'bout if it was a remake of an old Japanese film set in the future?

Mashzilla???

You evil film wizard.

The dough ship had sailed the butter sea for weeks before it slowly made it's way through the eerie fog and dropped it's pickled onion anchor close to Plate Island.

It's ham and pineapple passengers disembarked and made their way onto the shore, stopping only to ignore the beastly roar from within and then move swiftly on towards a great wall of lettuce.

Peering over the wall they saw a tribe of spicy peppers dancing in the moonlight. The chief pepper pointed at the Hammica Lange but Jeff Hamdges stood firm and refused his trade of six brides. Jeff inquired as to whether the tribe would trade a 'wich, but alas, they had all been eaten. After watching their evening's entertainment, the ham and pineapple crew made their way back to the dough ship

Under the cover of night, the spicy pepper tribe sailed towards the dough ship on their cucumbernoes and kidnapped the distressed Hammica. Back on Plate Island, the peppers offered Hammica as a sacrifice on a cucumber bed to their feared God, King Tato.

Hammica's distressed cries for "hey-ulp" were unheard by the ham and pineapple crew still sleeping safely in their crusty dough beds. As she cried a roar emanated from the salad jungle and King Tato came forth to steal Hammica away.

The ham and pineapple crew fought their way to save her, but King Tato flicked away the tiny pineapples (fruit should *not* be eaten with hot food!) Days passed and Hammica befriended the big Tato. One night, as darkness ensued and King Tato slept off the day's fruit poking, Jeff sneakily led Hammica to safety.

Relieved, the ham and pineapples rested for a couple of minutes before a huge opportunity occured to them. They tempted King Tato into a trap, leashing him with melty cheese ropes and they battled to take him back to their dough ship. For weeks, again, they sailed the butter sea and finally landed in New Fork where they shackled King Tato with the melty cheese and put him on display for all the world to see his might.

But the cheese was too stringy - it stretched and broke under King Tato's powerful grasp. He freed himself and roamed New Fork causing havoc. Tomato buildings fell under his weight, radish cars were kicked into shop windows and he made the busses terribly late.

King Tato searched for his beloved lost Hammica throughout the city. Finally, he found her but the cutlery army weren't far behind. He roared in defiance as their prongs cut into him and he fled to the top of the Empire Celerate building for safety.

Seeing the cutlery army flying towards him, he lovingly placed Hammica down out of the way of danger. The forks flew at him, relentlessy poking until at last he fell, defeated from the Empire Celerate building. His heart slowed as he gazed upon his true love.

*ba boom*

*ba boom*

*ba boom*

*ba boom*

*ba ... *

*gasp*











'Twas beauty killed the Tato

Top tea theatre!!!

If only I'd eaten tea watching a shorter film. My little fingers are worn out.