h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Awwwwww...





http://www.peacefleece.com/stripped-mittens.jpg

*mittens*

Ahhh, so much better.

Thank you!

In a galaxy, far, far away...

*On the bleak mashed potato world of Hoth, a sound is heard by the waiting alliance peas. Slowly, menacingly, the imperial chip battle walky-things advance, shooting their carrot cannons. Suddenly, from over the other horizon, a group of X-Wing mushrooms swoop in. Too little, too late... the alliance forces must flee!*

RchewDchew: Biddley beep ba beep?
Luke Peawalker: We're going to see master Potatoda...

*Crashed in the swamp, Luke is unable to raise his X-Wing mushroom*

Luke: Gngnggnnnhhhhh...
Obi Wan Kenpeabi: The sauce, Luke... use the sauce...

*Meanwhile, Han Pealo, Stewbacca and Princess Peaia are in trouble*

Princess Peaia: He's been frozen! And then not cooked properly!

*A similar problem is afflicting Luke*

Luke: But I'm not thawed out fully!
Potatoda: You will be... you will be...

*Luke flies off to rescue his friends*

Emperor Broccoli Floret: Is he here?
Corn Vader: I have smelt his presence...

*Big Carrot-Sabre fight*

Corn Vader: No Luke - *I* am your pork chop!
Luke: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

*They all get away *

Da da! Da da da daaaaa da...

That's the greatest spoof in the world. It was perfect!

I'm gonna read it again.

SCENE 1.

Interior limousine. World famous comedian Broccoli Floret cruising through streets as chicken breast skyscrapers reach to the skies. The limousine pulls up in front of one and Broccoli descends. He is met by a crowd of onions, all bowing and welcoming.

SCENE 2.

Interior Chicken Breast Hotel room. Scarlett Johanspea lounging around.

SCENE 3.

Broccoli Floret and Scarlett Johanspea in lift. Their eyes meet over a crowd of onions.

SCENE 4.

Broccoli Floret and Scarlett Johanspea run away with cool onions to party in downtown Chicken Breast City. Broccoli sings carrotaoke:

What's so funny 'bout peas, leeks and mascarpone?

SCENE 5.

Broccoli and Pea conversing on bed of bacony bits.

SCENE 6.

Interior limousine. Broccoli Floret spots Scarlett Johanspea on the street and runs up to her. He whispers in her... er... ear.

*Roll Credits*

LOST IN MUNCHLATION

A film by Sophia Cuppolard

What did he whisper?

Aaaaaaaaaaaah

No, tell me tell me.

No, you don't want to know, it'd spoil it

It wouldn't. How did you find out? Tellmetellme.

You'll have to ask him yourself:

[email protected]

*taptaptap*



Chuffin' woodpecker.

*tappitytappitytaptaptappitytap*

*send*

Does he check his mail often?

Yes. Oh yes. I'm sure he does

Or he'll have a little onion check it for him.

*checks*

Not got anything back yet.

You don't know, do you?

All right. I'll tell you.

He says...

"Thankyou for the 'wich."

See, didn't spoil it. Now that it has a sandwich reference it's become better than I ever could have hoped for.

All the best fillums tend to hinge on a 'wich

Captain McCain pushed the periscope back into place and became lost in thought as the rest of his men stared at him waiting for his next order, waiting for him to lead them to their fate, waiting to put an end to the madness. Days had merged into one neverending night that they longed to see the end of no matter how.

"Captain?" Lieutenant Tato tentatively shook him back into the here and now and Captain McCain gave out his orders. The chipmarine was going down into the depths of the violent spaghetti sea, stained with the tomato sauce of it's victims in this monstrous war.

Captain McCain checked their co-ordinates, brought the chipmarine close to the surface and hollered "up periscope!" Striding across the deck he paused to survey the area.

"Potato men, this is where we finish it. We're a matter of minutes away from the rolling hills of Sausage Island and Scramblers eggs are protecting it on all sides. You know what is to be done, this is what you've all trained for. Many of us have Johnny Chips waiting for us at home, make them proud potato men."

"Aye aye, cap'n!"

The chipmarine edged closer to the ba ...

*bellyrumble*

The potato men glanced at each other nervously. They had heard stories of this before but had dismissed it as folk lore, a silly tale to be told to their chippies at bedtime.

*bellyrumble*

"Ohhhhhhh! That's not fair!"

"Oi! When the belly rumbles you know it's time to come in." Mr Mouth shouted.

"Just five more minutes Sir!" groaned Jimmy McCain throwing his periscope twig to the floor.

"Platetime is over, come on. You don't want to make me do it, do you?"

*pause*

"Right. I'm getting Mr and Mrs Cutlers." Mr Mouth stomped off to the cafeteria. "Ruddy chips. Never do as they're told. Mrs Cutlers!?"

"Don't come in!" frantic whispering came from the cupboard.

"Mrs Cutlers, those chips'll be the dea ... what the ..." he quickly closed the cupboard door again only for a dishevelled Mr Whisk to shamefacedly sneak back out and disappear towards the sink.

"Ahem. We'll discuss this later, but I'd appreciate it if you could pull those chippies into line, preferably with Mr Cutlers."

The Cutlers worked together to force the protesting sausages, eggies, spaghetties and chippies off the plateground, barely making a screech to each other. When they were all back in their rightful place, Mr Mouth stood and surveyed the mess. Shaking his head he set to work clearing up with a doughy mop.

That was just wonderful! I laughed, I cried, I laughed again.

(All right, I didn't cry, but that did make me laugh).

And that naughtie Mr Whisk!

Yay! Do I get a sticker?

If you don't want to be privy to such happenings you should always knock before you open the cutlery cupboard door.