h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No, liege. Certainly not

Not yet, anyway. Just waiting for my 'Big Boys Sub-Group' application to be processed. I *can* withstand peer pressure, I *can* ... she'll see! I'll make her so proud of me by demonstrating my resistance to unwanted and dumb suggestions in very much the way Tumfy Des showed me last week just before I went and bought him that car

he he he

Choccy pudding! Make way! Choccy pudding!

There you go, liege!

Paaaaaaa ... digetty digetty digetty digetty!

Oh see the foolish (oi! ) chocolate squire
Perform his merry dance!
Let's hope he doesn't squash a choccy pud
Or tread on any flarnts!

As if...

*eek*

Sorry Bob. Right! Let's go! We have to attack Gulliver's Kingdom! Come on! Come on!

*Tugs on Sir Flantselot's heavily armoured and entirely unmoving sleeve*

Nnnngggghhh!!!

A choccy pudding? For me? Aww, you shouldn't have!

No, really, you shouldn't have. I've been eating chocolate biscuits all day.

Nice flarnts ryhming.

Have you...have you just trodden on King Bob?

Ah well. We've got a couple of reserves. All hail King Midge!

But I have to sit down! T'is my Knightly duty.

*Armoured arm is yanked off*

No! Mineth arm!

Come back here, mine squire!

Didst the bigger squires tell you to do that?

No! Yes! No! I don't know!

It was an independently arrived-at decision which I ran by a couple of people before working out whether I should act on it having first had it okayed by big boys' council.

Oops

The bigger Knights warned me about squires like you.

I'm trying to toughen up. Honest I am.

It's like Hefty Dan was saying the other day, 'Choc', he said 'Choc, you've got stand up for yourself and go to the shops and buy me a ...'

No. Nothing. Forget I spoke.

So - no attacking Gulliver's Kingdom, then?

(I've heard they have a flantwaltzer )

*Reads new name*



Ypu've got to stop listening to them. Don't do anything that they tell you.

You've heard of Sir Bigglesalot's squire, haven't you? Terrible.

He was a model squire, even got as far as the promise to become a Knight. But then Large Simon got a grasp on him. Poor squire. Ended up robbing a fruitshop, threw mouldy pears at old man Robertsmitherson who slipped and sat on our last Queen of Flants. She immediately struck the young squire off the Squires Apprenticeship list. He eats bees for a living now.

We could, you know, investigate Gulliver's Kingdom. For research purposes of course.

Eating - bees - for - a - living. That's horrifying!

Well, I've learnt my lesson and no mistake. Every time I feel under pressure to do something one of the bigger boys thinks I should, I will merely reflect on, er, that knight's horse in the story which you told. Him and the queen of horses, was it? And how he now has a jam sandwich every time he needs to use a stepladder. It will remain with me always as a constant reminder not to use bees for cleaning the windows. Or something.

Gulliver's Kingdom! AS you say, liege, research ... dry run for the actual quest, yes?

Let it be a lesson to us all. Never shall we haggle for tennis lessons while switching on the model train at midnight. Amen.

Yes! To Gulliver's Kingdom!

But, perhaps we could go tomorrow. Going out now would involve an ugly umbrella argument. And thine shall never fight with an umbrella whilst baking rabid potatoes.

Not that I'm tired of course, more shattered.

My liege!

*Prepares the liege-bed, with an armoured hottie and a steaming mug of Knight *

Night then!

Tomorrow! Gulliver's Place tomorrow! I'll never sleep. No! Because tomorrow we're going somewhere. Where was it? I'll have to ask Voluminous Bill, right after I've got him that shirt he wanted

Right. Sandwiches, flask of piping hot Flantshire Tea, sweets...what else?


Tickets!

I'll ring the Kingdom and get them to send two tickets over asap.

Is Gerald available for deliveries?

Yes!

*coo*

Ah. He wants to dress up as a falcon, apparently. You know, the hood, the little dangley bits, the crest - says it makes him feel more heraldic, more in keeping with the whole Knighty bit.

*coo*

He's got a catalogue, apparently. Thanks Gerald

Is it the latest PigArgos? The Winter catalogue only has Superman pigeon outfits in it. I don't think he would quite fit in with the other noble pigeons.

Hmmmm



All right Gerald, let's start with the hood *Slips a little blindfold on Gerald* Now we shall add all the other noble accoutrements of falconry. The little dangley bell *twoteaspoontinkletinkle*, the jessies *ruffles Gerald's feathers* the crest *further ruffling* There we go, can you feel the difference?

*cooooo!*

Fantastic. Now ... off with the hood and away you go!

*flapflapflap*

*COO!*

Yeah, well it's too late now, you're airborne. Two tickets to Gulliver's Kingdom and, when you get back ... maybe there'll be a little treat waiting!

*flapflapflap*

*Looks at watch*

Blummin' pigeon post.

*Taps foot*

Bet he stopped off at the chippy.





*flapflap*

He'shere!He'shere!He'shere!

Thank you, Gerald.

Your treat? Ah, yes. Trin has it.

*Points*

Back down that way, chuck.

*flapflapflap*

Your treat, Gerald?

Yes, your treat!

The treat is ...

Tan diddle iddle dee daa!

Treeeeeeeat!

Er ...



Your treat is the fact that pigeon's get into Gulliver's Kingdom for free! Yes! All you need to do is fly ... ow ... no, don't peck me ... ow ...

All right. Your treat is to act big and tough like a proper hunting falcon and track down a quarry. Here - get the scent from this.

*Passes up a sock with 'Mrs BoJ' nametag*

Deep breath - got it? Now fly! Hunt!

*flapflapflap*

*flapflapflap*

*Gerald returns to perch on Sir Flantselot's hand. He misses, falls off, coos in an annoyed fashion, then wanders about trying to straighten out his beak, dented from a full twenty-four hours of Bojangley peckage*

Got the tickets?

*coo?*

Oh, you've already brought the tickets?

Aaaaa - good lad

Getting forgetful Not a good trait in a ... erm. Horse ... polish ... squire! Yes, squire. That's it.

Right - Gulliver's Kingdom?

Are we ready?

Tickets, sandwiches, horses are bleached, armour is coiled.





Almost forgot my tuba.

Hooray - you're still there!

Shouldn't I be a-fetchin' and a-carryin', liege?

Actually, that tuba's a biggie