h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi Ag. I just wanted to stop by and give you a hug. And to let you know that I understand how you feel.

I don't know if I have/had PCOS or not. I was never diagnosed with it. But I had surgery twice to remove ovarian cysts, never could get pregnant, had very irregular periods, and have some of the other symptoms. I never had my hair all fall out, although it is very thin, so maybe it did to a degree. I have the little skin tag things or whatever they're called on my neck and upper torso. I've had several of those taken off.

I know you want a family, but you may have to make peace with your situation. Are children as important to S as to you? How hard is it to adopt in the UK? F already had 3 kids, so he wasn't really looking forward to starting another family. That made my situation easier, because there wasn't any pressure from him. I didn't feel like I was letting him down. And I had a logical story to tell the damn buttinsky relatives. But it was still hard sometimes.

On the other hand, there are definite advantages to being childless. Every coin has two sides.

If you need to talk, I'm here to listen.

to you too. I am finding out more and more that PCOS is not particularly uncommon. It's reassuring, in a way - one would really rather it happened to no one at all.

I do feel a sense of embarrassment that I have PCOS in the first place, and I am coming to the conclusion that this is utterly irrational of me. And possibly not helpful to the people around me. Must get more open. Just so I don't sit deep inside myself and stew vilely. So I am now going to avail myself of your kind offer to listen and I am going to 'share'.

I lost one ovary when I was eighteen, to a gigantic ovarian cyst that got twisted. My surgeon cheerfully told me that ovarian torsion was far more painful than normal childbirth, which so helped my pity-party go with a swing at the time, but I was also told the remaining ovary was fine. Which it wasn't. It just had... little cysts. Little painless quiet cysts. Grrrr.

I think I could deal with the childless thing. And I think I could deal with the annoying physical symptoms (my poor hair! My mustache! my beard even! my spotty chest! my size! tiredness! irritability! I am turning into a werewolf with a tonsure! ). I think I could even deal with them both together if I stopped snivelling and stood up a bit straighter. I just can't deal with my family. I think, for example, I might stand up, pick up the chair I'd been stitting on, and let fly with it the next time my sister, who KNOWS I haven't had a period since November, asks me when I'm going to get pregnant. See? I'd be able to cope with childlessness if only I was allowed to BE childless. If it wasn't an issue that was constantly being dragged up at every damn' family visit, phone-call and letter.

As for my looks, I think objectively I don't look too terrible now and even if I went spear-bald I'd still not look too terrible. And I may be fat but hey, so are lots of lovely cute people. And there's this great thing called threading which is less harsh and ouchy than waxing (though nothing is going to make ripping hair out of your upper lip not ouchy). But again, I'm not allowed to just be good ol' Ag, we love her for herself alone and not her yellow hair (pace Yeats, though my hair hasn't been yellow since I was six). It's Ag, try this diet, try this other diet, are you keeping a food diary? Have you put on MORE weight? How often do you exercise? I can't believe you can't sort this with a little will-power, gosh aren't you getting spotty, is that HAIR on your chin? Oh dear, and you used to have such pretty curls/ a little waist/ nice skin, what have you been doing to yourself? Why don't you stop eating cakes and biscuits? (for the record, the last biscuit I ate was three weeks ago. Before that one, I had a few at Christmas. Before that, not for months. IT'S NOT BISCUITS. Do they believe me? Do they heck. They then try to lecture me on the importance of being honest with myself about my diet and I leave the room mid-sentence).

So. I may have the syndrome but my nearest and dearest problem. My syndrome and I would be able to come to terms with each other if people didn't keep projecting their problems into it as well. Can one divorce an entire branch of the family, do you think?

Buttinsky is a great word, by the way. May I use it liberally?

Family - Huh!

I think, in your situation, I might be tempted to 'dub' my sister with a chair too

Is there any way you could get one of them 'on side' and get them to fend off the rest of the 'burgers' with a quick phone around, telling them to stop it at once?

I suppose they're only getting themselves involved becuase they care about you - and relatives think they've every right to roll up their sleeves and immerse themselves up to the elbows in your very personal life

Of course you can use buttinsky! I steal from you all the time.

Relatives. You've hit the nail on the head. What I'm going to say will seem very harsh and may not be possible for you. But you need to distance yourself from situations that cause you grief. Spend less and less time with your family and when they ask why, tell them that they clearly enjoy upsetting you and you're not having it any longer. Don't let them push your buttons. (I know - this from a woman who still drinks after a day with her mother.)

And stop feeling inferior. So your whole family is gorgeous. So what? So are you. Plus you're witty and interesting and an absolutely terrific companion. The time I spent in your company is something I treasure. To me physical attractiveness is more than good features and a fab body. For one thing, those things fade as we age anyway. I think self-confidence and a positive attitude will trump a hairless chin any day.

Have you tried making up a plus and minus list? That helps me sometimes to put things into perspective when I'm in the middle of a pity party. And I used to rehearse my comebacks so I was ready for people no matter what they asked me or commented about. That seemed to help, too. I was prepared for nasty remarks and didn't feel blindsided. I still do that at board meetings with smellfungus.

*Buttinskys in*

Ag.

I don't have practical suggestions, (other than talk to MoG about hair loss). Hormones are frightening things. I've seen the changes that they can bring about - hell, for a while my hairline receded in a distinctly male way - though whether that was because of testosterone or just beause of random female stuff is difficult to determine. Fortunately things have changed since, and I've always preferred having a fringe anyway.

Back to your situation. Is there a member of your family you could pick on and cry at. Weep and wail and say "PCOS" "pressure from everyone" "losing my hair" "pressure from everyone" "may never have children" "pressure from everyone" "feel like s**t" "pressure from everyone" "haven't had a biscuit since Christmas" and get them to be your ambassador to the rest of your family. They are being complete pains because they love you, and don't realise how awful what they are doing actually is. Oh. And because they know better than you do. Obviously. And getting just one person to fend them off for you may help. Divide and conquer and all that.

Just a thought.

In the meantime:



B

Phew! That's terrible, Agapanthus, and it sounds like your family is exacerbating the problem rather than helping you with it.

You're lucky in that the things that drive you mad are control issues, rather than behavior issues. They really do love you, but their way of showing it is to constantly nit-pick on you.

I can sympathize with the control issue. My mom used to suggest ways for me to get out and show more of my work, kept talking to me about new ideas for masks, talking about me going to this gallery or that one, until it was just about to drive me mad. I finally realized she was transferring some of her own ambition to my work - she's an artist too, but keeps neglecting that part of her for a job that pays the bills. One day I'd had enough, and suggested that she "take all these great ideas for masks and make some of your own!" I think she got the point. I don't think it's going to stop her from continuing to criticize, but now I have some ammunition.

So you have a couple of options. Avoid seeing them quite so much, and then find some really good excuses for not having them over. Or find a way to fight back against the barrage of criticism.

Either way it sounds rather stomach-churning, doesn't it? Bleah.

Ag. This is a tough one to deal with on many levels.

There is some good advice above. I've nothing useful to add.

First time I hear about PCOS - and have been reading about it this morning. I'm sure Sig. S.'s niece should be checked.

Tell them. Tell one of them to tell the rest. And be hugely upset. Families can be unbelievably insensitive and by giving them a well-defined opportunity to belt up you will be *helping* them to grow and develop as people. Quite apart from anything else, it's extremely *rude* to comment on somebody's appearance.

on your behalf - which may not be terribly helpful. But I know exactly what you mean.

Mol

Since I let go and went all over you guys, a few things have changed. I thought I'd just keep a note of them.

1) Family have not said a word, a single WORD on the issue since I last posted. And I didn't even have to go off on one or cry. I simply told my mother that I was keeping a low profile as I found dealing with the family rather hard work at present. She nodded. There has been silence ever since. I think perhaps Many Words were Said in private. I am quite pleased.
2) I DID have a, a, a well, a discussion with brass knobs on with the poor benighted husband. I'm not hugely proud of that. But I do need to be supported in ways that help me, not in ways that HE considers to be most supportive. And of course he needs support too, as if I'm infertile so ipso facto is he, and one more wistful remarks from his father about being a Grandad...
3) I stopped using rich conditioning shampoo and conditioner for dry and damaged hair, and started using light organic essential oil products. Hair no longer laminated to skull with the power of split-end-repair. Balding patch seems to have stopped spreading, and because hair is fluffier, is much less noticeable.
4) Sunshine is improving spottiness (and also distinctness of whiskers).
5)Mood alas rather gloomy. Can think of no good reason for this, am putting it down to vagaries of nature.
6)Have lost 2 pounds. Hah.

What is the brand of shampoo?

It sounds like things have gotten a bit quieter for the time being. see, your family probably didn't realize they were upsetting you as much as they were.

Any more talk about the new job for S?

More updating. Also, TMI. This whole thread is TMI, so if you find your eyebrows scuttling hair-line-wards, tough. What are you doing reading this in the first place?

Anyway.

I have started 'charting', ie recording my basal body temperature and other fertility signs (now they really ARE TMI), so as to have three months worth of charts to show to the doctor when I next go and ask beg plead and demand to be referred to a reproductive Endocrinologist (I have heard there's a good one at the local teaching hospital). And low and behold, my body, which had been schtum for months, has hiccupped into life and produced an actual period (as opposed to sporadic spotting). It has done it on purpose to spoil the perfect sterility of my charts, I am sure.

BUT. I don't think I ovulated. And why am I so sure? Have you SEEN how low my basal body temperature is? It will not go above 36C. It just won't. Normal is 37C. After you ovulate, you produce progesterone, which makes you warmer, and your BBT rises by up to a degree until your period starts. It is such a reliable and universal symptom of ovulation that people can even use it contraceptively, along with prodding oneself in the undercarriage on a regular basis. If I had ovulated, that would mean my pre-ov temp was down in hypothermia land. Yes, we did check the thermometer. This would usually indicate some kind of thyroid problem as well. Am I overweight, infertile, easily tired, insomniac, dry-skinned and oversensitive to heat and to cold? Yes. Am I losing my eyebrows? What? Err, no. And I definitely have PCOS. So, I really REALLY need to see an endocrinologist. Because my thyroid may be packing in/up. Gah.

Anyway, spent weekend abominably bloated about the midline and feeling somewhat crampy.

And depressed.

In the bosom of my family.

Who were chattering about what my hypothetical children would be to any number of stray relations - 'Oh, so he or she'd be Wassname's second cousin twice removed?' And me sitting there being the exact opposite of pregnant for the first time since November. Oh the irony.

Good luck getting the doc to give you the referral, and well done for not bludgeoning any family members - don't quite know how you managed it though

Oh, yes, I knew I meant to add something else. The shampoo and conditioner that seem to be restoring my hair to full woolly glory (I have baby hair! Fuzz! Whispy bits!), anyway, the shampoo and conditioner I am using are both made by Lush (www.lush.com). 'New', a solid shampoo bar designed for that smigeon of hormone-induced hair-loss (is bright red, smells pleasantly of cinnamon) and 'Veganese', a conditioner full of lemon and seaweed. Smells deeply weird, I quite like it, S is not so keen, but it makes hair very shiny without weighing it down or gluing it to scalp.

To think I used to have to use ultra extra double-plus thick extreme conditioner for blow-torched hair just to get a comb through it. Funny old world.

Meanwhile, day 7 of period. What? Why? Gah.

Hmm. It's oddly soothing talking about all these things. I wonder why?

I hear it is better to get it out than to bottle it up. Soothing. Probably.

Unfortunately I'm a bottler Sig. S. is a temperamentally getting-it-out.

I am considering whether to just keep this thread going ad infinitum, or whether to use my journal entries to ponder/ rant/ vent/ ask for advice/ ask for sympathy/ rant some more etc.

You could do both!

I'm really sorry you are having such a difficult time, wish I could be of some help! Have you been back to the GP with your BBTemp diary and demanded to see the endocrinologist yet?

You realize we'll find you no matter where you vent.

Thanks for your thoughts Kelli. I too feel very frustrated that there is nothing I can do - I like things I can solve (I know, typical bloke) - except be supportive and non-critical - not something I'm very good at.

We discussed going to GP last night and concluded that 3 months of charts is probably needed to be convincing. Although we'll write a letter in advance of that stating our demands.