Journal Entries
Training Judy 3 - the magic bottle
Posted Mar 9, 2004
The black labrador is totally uncontrollable and the amiable owner doesn't seem to care. Every time the trainer gives us instructions - which are basically so straight forward that even I understand them the bloke with the black lab smiles blankly and gives him another doggie treat which drives him to distraction and causes him to leap up and down barking wildly.
Bask in smug feeling of Judy being a "quiet" pathological killer.
Another couple's dog, a frolicky Weimeraner, is constantly leaping up at them and they seem to quite enjoy it.
"We'll have to put a stop to that!" says the trainer who stands behind the man with the lead. As soon as the dog goes to leap up the trainer bangs a plastic bottle which contains several bits of gravel. This unexpected loud noise causes Weimeraner to stop in its tracks and cower slightly. After a few seconds the dog appears in frolicky mood and starts to leap up again. Instantly trainer bangs bottle against his leg. Dog stops instantly and looks cowed and puzzled.
Judy doesn't like the look of this bottle... but I do.
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Latest reply: Mar 9, 2004
Training Judy 2
Posted Mar 7, 2004
Pop into pet shop to tell petshop owner - who is Dog Psychologist and general dog/lion trainer - that I don't think Judy really needs training as she's sat twice roughly when I said so and is happy to fetch sticks.
"Rubbish," he says, "You've paid your money you might as well come."
Judy is brushed and looking smart with her collar and lead on. The dog training class is in the evening and in a church hall. "Don't come too early or you'll bump into the puppy class on its way out. Oh and bring some doggie treats."
Get there bang on time and Judy greets all of the other dogs with a fierce Grrrrrrrrr! and a "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!" type of doggie greeting. Blush deeply at shame of not being able to control dog. Puppies come out all frolicking and squidgey. Judy tries to eat two and disembowel a third. "Naughty doggie!" Pull on lead.
Now feeling like child waiting for first day at school.
Dog trainer pokes head around door. "She's showing her canines, that's not a good sign. Has she bitten anyone yet?"
Mumble something about children, dogs and an old lady but no blood drawn.
Enter class and realise that Judy doesn't like any of the dogs in the room or most of the people. I'm glad I'm on her side. At least she sits beside me rather than jumping up and down and doing poos on the floor like the black Labrador.
It must be nearly over now we've finished filling in the forms - which for Judy read like a report from a probation officer. Check watch. Still got 55 minutes of a one hour lesson left.
"I ho0pe you've all broought loads of high quality doggie treats. They respond best to doggie treats and you're gonna need lots of them."
I finger the four mixer biscuits I find in my pocket.
"The fist exercise is to get them to know your hands are where everything important is."
Go through first exercise of find thetreat in my hand and use up all of the doggie biscuits. 50 minutes left and I haven't got a single doggie treat left. Thinks: "I'll control her completely with my charm and personality"
Judy starts growling at nearest dog. I wanna go home!
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Latest reply: Mar 7, 2004
Training Judy - without a punch
Posted Mar 5, 2004
Sadly a friend's mum died leaving Judy. Judy is about 5 but we're not exactly sure. She has a black face and white shoulders and looks more like a border collie than anything else - but she's not a border collie.
Judy had the big kennel in the sky threatened if nobody could look after her. We jumped in never having had a Judy (or butch, foo-foo fido or ho-yus before).
"Welcome to your new pack Judy. This is the alpha male - the one with the long stained vest; this is the alpha female - the one with the sensitive side and company car; this is not the lodger but may move out when a suitable job appears and she can afford to share a flat with a friend; this is your best friend who wanted you more than anything else in the world and boy had you better be loving towards this one or the big kennel in the sky will become a much likelier option; this is the ex-lodger with a family of her own whom you will see only 5 or 6 times a week depending on the contents of her fridge; this is the family of her own canIpullthedogstailandgetawaywithitbecausei'mlittleandcute the smallest member of the pack".
Judy:"Grrrrrrrrrrr!"
"Right that's it, call the vet, buy a muzzle till he gets here, lock her in the broom cupboard!"
Judy *yawns rolls on floor and wags tail*
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Latest reply: Mar 5, 2004
Serious one - Buying a car
Posted Mar 4, 2004
I've just bought myself an R reg Omega Estate so that we can take the dog as well as family and luggage on holiday. The receipt for my wad of cash says that they will do a few bits of work on the car. This was nearly two weeks ago and they said that they would call me when the parts had arrived.
I'm going to call them today but I'm feeling a bit uneasy. If they are not going to do the work I don't want to keep the car and would want my money back. I'm not looking forward to the confrontation - if there is one.
*Checks to see if vest is bullet proof.*
*Examines holes.*
Do you think moths are stronger than bullets?
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Latest reply: Mar 4, 2004
Wrong labelling
Posted Mar 3, 2004
At work... new sets of instructions arrive all the time to take all the fun out of the job.
Look at this last set:
For the equipment marked Hay Kay 4/T/7 you received from head office last month please:
A) Remove and destroy label 1 marked "Rosy View of the Future Viewing Eyepiece" and replace with the label "Barrel"
B) Remove and destroy label 2 marked "Focus Adjuster" and replace with the label "Trigger"
We cannot be held responsible for any accidental injuries however caused
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Latest reply: Mar 3, 2004
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