h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Pop into pet shop to tell petshop owner - who is Dog Psychologist and general dog/lion trainer - that I don't think Judy really needs training as she's sat twice roughly when I said so and is happy to fetch sticks.

"Rubbish," he says, "You've paid your money you might as well come."

Judy is brushed and looking smart with her collar and lead on. The dog training class is in the evening and in a church hall. "Don't come too early or you'll bump into the puppy class on its way out. Oh and bring some doggie treats."

Get there bang on time and Judy greets all of the other dogs with a fierce Grrrrrrrrr! and a "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!" type of doggie greeting. Blush deeply at shame of not being able to control dog. Puppies come out all frolicking and squidgey. Judy tries to eat two and disembowel a third. "Naughty doggie!" Pull on lead.

Now feeling like child waiting for first day at school.

Dog trainer pokes head around door. "She's showing her canines, that's not a good sign. Has she bitten anyone yet?"

Mumble something about children, dogs and an old lady but no blood drawn.

Enter class and realise that Judy doesn't like any of the dogs in the room or most of the people. I'm glad I'm on her side. At least she sits beside me rather than jumping up and down and doing poos on the floor like the black Labrador.

It must be nearly over now we've finished filling in the forms - which for Judy read like a report from a probation officer. Check watch. Still got 55 minutes of a one hour lesson left.

"I ho0pe you've all broought loads of high quality doggie treats. They respond best to doggie treats and you're gonna need lots of them."
I finger the four mixer biscuits I find in my pocket.

"The fist exercise is to get them to know your hands are where everything important is."

Go through first exercise of find thetreat in my hand and use up all of the doggie biscuits. 50 minutes left and I haven't got a single doggie treat left. Thinks: "I'll control her completely with my charm and personality"

Judy starts growling at nearest dog. I wanna go home!