Journal Entries
stuff what I have wrote
Posted May 15, 2003
OWNING RESPONSIBILTY
It is not my problem that you
Find my presence puts
Your teeth on edge
Your nose out of joint
and You on the spot
By the way,
It‘s not your problem
That I don‘t rate you much, either.
BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD
So much for cynicism
And being tough!
So much for believing
I can give it up
Anytime I like!
So much for being smug
That I’m smart enough
To not cry for the moon anymore!
So much wishing things were different
And knowing they never will be.
CONVERSATION
“You’re on your own now” he said,
Meaning, of course, that I had
The workshop to myself for once,
To read, or write, or work on
This and that. To drink tea.
“You’re on your own now” he said
And I replied “I’ve been on my own
For the last thirty five years”
Went to fill the kettle
TABLE MANNERS
Life’s a peach.
You could be polite, I suppose,
And mop up the juices as you go.
Or you could bite right into it
And chew and enjoy the
Succulence dribble over your chin
And all down your wrists to
Your elbows. You could even
Lick yourself clean instead of
Using a tissue afterwards.
` Life’s a peach.
And then you die.
With unsalted water.
Discuss this Journal entry [6]
Latest reply: May 15, 2003
Fat ain't a feminist issue, its financial
Posted May 6, 2003
The words stuff this for a game of 
ing soldiers comes very readilly to mind. I am LIVID. I am insenced. I could crush a grape? Crush one? Hell I could trample a vatful.
I have just wasted a valuable morning going to a "Get Slim and medically monitored, with plenty of psycological back up and group therapy" type set up. No names, no pointing fingers. It is true I need to lose weight. I am just into the "obese" section of the BMI Index chart (Body Mass Index to those who knew about as much as me this morning). I am a good cuddly armful of woman, but if I let things slide then I know I will cease to be cuddly and simply be fat. It wasn't just the diet that I need - its the support during and especially afterwards that drew me to this particular group.
I need a bit of help and support whilst I get used to the fact that A} I'm no longer fat and B) I'm attractive, and not ugly as I believed the last time I was thinner. Two biggies that I now feel the need to address - I've done all the other sorts of councelling
for "Major" stuff, now to just fill in the details. If I can quit a 25yr smoking habit then weight loss and self image should be a doddle... but I'd like help.
Anyway, I answered the medical questionnaire, I watched the video
and listened to the hows and whys and wherefores. I thought "Yes, I can cope with this"
Then the big question - the cost. £45.00 per week for a minimum of 13 weeks. That buys you a set of meal replacements, and nibbly bars and a 2hr. group councelling session per week.
£45.00 per week!
Say WHAT? I am currently on Income Support - with 2 kids thats £120.00 pw. I have to put aside £60.00 pw for bills, every week
and we have £60.00 between three of us to buy food, fun and clothing.
I am not complaining... perhaps I should, but I'm not. Its a struggle, but we manage. But if I went for this diet - and support group don't forget the support group ladies & gentlemen, then the family budget would be £15.00 for 2 teenager's food per week.
I can make a penny do the work of several, but even I couldn't manage to feed and clothe 2 kids on £15.00 a week.!
I am not disputing that possibly - just possibly, the amount charged is reasonable for the expertise and support this outfit offers. Certainly in terms of self esteem and feeling good and being superhealthy and slender, a permanent weight loss is very valuable, but its like everything else - if its healthy or beneficial then you really do have to be reasenably financially comfortable to afford it.
It comes as no surprise to me that the "poor" are usually a bit suet-y shaped... we fill up on cheap carbohydrates and stodge. Yes, you can tell me till you're blue in the face fruit and veg are cheap - yes, they are, and 5 nights out of seven they're tolerable. They're just dull, is all. I'm sorry, they are. There is only so much enthusiasm I can raise for dill and thyme and lemon juice and chillis and garlic dressings and little slivers of red onion, etc.
If they're mainly what you eat because thats whats within your budget it gets tedious.
So I'm stuck. I'd like to buy a bit of support and alter my woefully inadequate attiude towards healthy food. I know when I truely believe a salad is a treat and a Galaxy Bar is something you can take or leave (as opposed to the vice versa view) I will have
cracked it. I know that when I don't feel the pathetic need to hide my insecurities behind a couple of extra stone, I will have resolved the last real major issue in my life.
But I cannot afford it fiscally speaking.
Now before you tut and say "Get a job", let me tell you that up untill the last 6 months I have worked most of my adult life; just lately I have had an immense amount of problems with my spine - which I have been told would cure with a bit of rest. So I have been relying on my hard won savings to tide us over these last few months. I haven't gone on Disability, firstly because I have a horror of being on the Scrapheap. Once you're on "The dis" you're on for good. You cannot be Disabled one year and not the next, that doesn't make sense. And even if you are allowed to work, you are trapped by so many restrictions it's stulcifying - only so many hours a week, etc etc. Secondly, I have good days and bads days.
And there is no logical rhyme nor reasen to them. I cannot sit for too long, stand for too long or walk around too much one day, the next, I feel I could run a marathon. I do not believe there is a job anywhere that could fit in with my erratic ailments.
Currently I have taken a deep breath and found a marvellous Osteopath who is performing weekly miracles on my back - he is curing a chronic problem that begun when I was 19 and came 2nd whilst riding a horse. Its a long story, but the upshot was I managed to tear most of my backs muscles which cause multipal misalignments. And of course, at 19 you don't have a bad back or pain, so I wasn't taken seriously. Thanks to this practioner, I should be able to get some form of work just in time for The Summer (I live in a tourist town, so there are always loads of waitress/barmaid type jobs through the seasen). I may even be able to try this diet and support group once I've got the budget back on an even keel.
But 13 times £45.00 is £595.00 for a 2 or 3 stone weight loss for one person.
Is it me, or is there some form of rip off going on, honing in on the insecure and overweight?
Discuss this Journal entry [20]
Latest reply: May 6, 2003
Changing Identities
Posted May 4, 2003
Nearly the first week with H2g2 - coo, what a learning curve.
I've joined in so many conversations I could almost call myself a typist again. So many people - some nice, some .... well interesting. It IS adictive - but I'll grow out of it. If I can stop being a 40 a day smoker for 25 years I can certainly give this up any time I like. Honest.
I really must learn not to type ideas before engaging brain. Several times I've felt like a real horses doodah because I've not caught the drift of whats going on - I just jump in and then make myself look a complete wally. How does everyone else manage to be so bloody cool and on the wavelength? Oh dear deary me. This is going to degenerate into a pool of self pity and mawkishness.
Ruddy hormones. I really must make a note to come back next life as a tom cat. I have it all planned. For the first five years of my new moggy life I am going to paint the town red and have a fight and fun everyday. In my sixth year I shall find some little old dear to cosset me and feed me for the rest of my natural life. OK, it might involve being "fixed", but I'd have my memories. And it'd be nice to have someone to actually take an interest in my well being, too. Yes. Definately a Tom Cat next time around... 
Discuss this Journal entry [5]
Latest reply: May 4, 2003
Sell by Dates
Posted May 3, 2003
Well, the dramas of the last few days with young Fred and Barney seem to have calmed down, leaving us with dramas to come no doubt, but today is gloriously sunny and a day to leave the miseries behind.
So.. I've decoked the house, got the school washing on, polished the cat (if I had one) and I decided - before I went to the beach to attempt dipping my geriatric feet in the cold manky depths of the Thames Estuary - everyone should do at least one unwise thing each day, otherwise whats the point - (sometimes just getting up is unwise enough) - I would go to our local market for veg and fresh stuff. No problem - Sunday lunch is sorted - Roast Beef, plenty veg, all the trimmings and a nice Rhubarb Crumble with fresh rhubarb, ginger and orange in the pipeline. Good God I'm being organised for once, isn't this fun? Then we get to the cake stall. See a nice chocolatey cake with those little easteryeggs in shells on top. Thought to hell with the milk allergy we'll have one of those.
Looked, chose one with a sell by date of 5/5/03 - or so I believe.
Get home and I find the dyslexia is playing up - it's BB 2/5 (that should read 2nd May, OK?) When oh when will I get the hang that I still see figures upside down when I'm tired? Although I'm not tired - I must admit I'm having trouble reading the dice when I play backgammon, too. Is this another symptom of incipient middleaged insanity - or proof positive that all systems start breaking down when us ladies hit a certain age? Or is it just another Joy of Menopause? Gawd I'm sick of this transition time - I've no fears of being seen as "old", because I'll never be old in my head whatever the body tells you. I don't mind not being fertile for much longer - I've done my bit for the population and motherhood, and its time to move on. I'm not fussed about that - its the PROCESS that gets to me - its like adolescence in reverse - and the only advantage there is, is that you know you've survived all the amotional angst and spots and rebellion of the teenage years and there is light at the end of the tunnel. But when the brain is gooey,the hormones making you into a weepy insecure cat with spots and it feels life is ganging up on you a bit (for no specific reasen, it just IS) then I sometimes wonder... am I past my sell by date or is it just market cakes?
Discuss this Journal entry [5]
Latest reply: May 3, 2003
Self Image and Fred
Posted May 1, 2003
I have two son - lets call them Fred and Barney for the sake of names. Fred is 16, with an inclination to be cuddly - not fat, altho if he doesn't watch it he eventually will be more than a cuddly adult. He is quiet, sensative, passive, defensive, caring and generally a really nice kid - BUT he has no drive, no ambition and bless him, a decent all rounder but to date, hasn't found his special talent that gives him the "feel good" factor in life. By his own admission he comfort eats, and his idea of exercise is two widths of the local pool or getting up to change channels on the Cyclops in the corner instead of using the zapper.
Barney, who is 15, on the other hand, is built like a muscular toast rack, is sickeningly good at everything at school - art, science, sport, the lot. He has always been into "The body" and posesses an embryo "drop dead gorgeous" physique and once he grows to over 5 foot in height, I imagine the girls will REALLY begin to notice him.
He is outwardly confident, going on 45 in streetwise and cynisism
and has enough drive and ambition to convince me he'll either be a bankmanager or supervillian within the next 5 years.
Now, Barney loves his older brother very much, and is concerned and frustrated - as am I, that Fred is getting podgier and more inert and depressed. Now, I've taken the softly softly approach, using praise and encouragement and gentling him him into coming swimming with me and getting him to teach me backstroke, etc, but Barney, who
is even more blunt than his old lady has been tormenting Fred into doing more exercise, not eating anything between meals etc etc etc.
Barney runs on logic, intellect and sheer nastiness in his arguments
- it must be from his dad's side, I have only just got the hang of logic and vague intellectual stuff, and I'm too hotheaded to be calculatingly nasty. The upshot is that Fred now hates Barney and has gone back several steps and is threatening to kill his sibling, or failing that, he will starve himself to death to make Barney feel guilty. Whilst I won't take either threat seriously, I can see we are still going through a load of teenage angst the poor lad, despite sterling efforts is still depressed and, for want of a better similie, a trainee Marvin. We've tried councelling (a failiure - after 6 weeks it was established he had a poor self image - and the councelling on our NHS only comes in 6 weekly installments) Positive reinforcement and a lot of support - I'm a single mum and the only thing I haven't been able to offer the lads is a father figure substitute. I can deal with Barney's misguided bluntness - I have a good relationship with both my sons, we're very lucky there, but I am slowly coming to the end of my tether with Freds negative outlook
He has been like it virtually from day one, but like young Barney, I'd love to see my older son enjoy life instead of finding it all too, too, much.
Ideas, anyone? By the way, please don't anyone suggest any "alternative" stuff - I'm an Complimentary Therapist myself, and I've had a lot of help and support from various colleagues from various disciplines- if Dr Bach had shares, then I'd have made him a fortune, Ok 
? What I'm looking for is a "Male Mode" type argument/reasoning, rather than treating the lad as an invalid. He refuses to go the GP for help (which frankly, I cannot blame him for, as the idea of a 16 yr old on anti depressants is abhorrant to me, too) Something motivational, something he can relate to, and something that he can hold on to and believe in so firmly that anything young Barney says will not stop him wanting to do it. I KNOW the problem stems from the 2nd son being the whizz kid, and not the older son, but I cannot change genetics or the facts of life.
Discuss this Journal entry [11]
Latest reply: May 1, 2003
Moving On
Researcher U226093
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