h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Spooky.

F (ox Mulder)

Spooky? Not really. Actually, I'm kinda cute!


az

Cutie?

More of a Dana Scully then.

I imagine you are. The picture I have in my head is a bit like my sister - perhaps because you 'sound' something like her. I realise that's about as undescriptive a description can get.

Consider it a compliment.

F

No, actually not cute. I was referring to my personality.

I have had mixed reactions to photos of hootooers (I have a collection of just about everyone I know here now). Sometimes I've been surprised but often I have thought - 'hey that looks just like you!'

az

Hi az,

I'm glad to see you're OK and not directly affected by the Madrid atrocities.

Such a needless waste of life is just sickening.

To you and to everyone else in Spain and especially to the relatives and friends of those who lost their lives I send my deepest sympathy and condolences.



F

So, what's new with you?



az

New?

Unfortunately not much. I really should get out more.



Taking a few days off now so no w*rk until Monday Still doing a bit of decorating but we hope to get out for a day if the weather is nice.

Have to go home shortly.

Take care

F

Here's another one: U219522

Hope you're enjoying your week off.

az

Also this one! How creepy - I am the only one on his friends list.

U551012



az

U215553

U204591

U206299





az

hi az,



You've been busy while I was away. I've added some of those to my list and one at least is a 'classic' - a single posting two years ago then nothing. Thanks.

How's things with you then? Did you have a nice weekend?

We went out for the day on Wednesday and on Sunday went to see my mother for Mother's Day. We went to see a new baby too; my nephew's wife gave birth to a little boy on Thursday so we popped by yesterday to congratulate them and meet the baby.

Next door's cat got run over on Thursday. My wife saw it happen and called me so I ran up the road to see how she was. When I got there I could see there was nothing anyone could do. The poor thing was badly injured and just lay, mercifully unconscious, in the road for a few minutes before she died. All I could do was stroke her body and protect her from the traffic until I felt her heart stop beating.

The neighbours were out so I picked her up and put her on a towel in a box until they came home, when I had to give them the sad news. Poor Pepper, she was a lovely friendly little cat. She was seventeen and normally very careful of traffic but she walked in front of a car just as it pulled away.

Some happy news and some sad news. Such is life, as they say.

F

Hallo,

Spent all weekend indoors, actually. Not good. But this week I am out and about again.

That was a sad story about your neighbour's cat. I have Lua sitting next to me now, looking quite fine. I mean, if she ends up living another year with this massive tumour hanging off her chest I'm going to feel REALLY bad that I didn't operate.

Anyhow, had the weirdest dream last night about being in this place with my cats (I often have dreams where I am outdoors with my cats and have to protect them or help them get home - wonder what that means?) and suddenly they were being attacked and in the last 'scene' of my dream I had all three of them show up again but all of them dripping with blood and hideously injured and yet I felt so grateful, almost happy, that they had come back so I could take care of them.

Then the alarm clock rang - thank gawd.

How are you?

az

Buon Journo,

Well, I'm shocked at the psychosis that your dream clearly displays. The cats obviously represent your deep-seated sexual anxieties. The injuries and the blood reflect the wounds made by previous unhappy relationships while your pleasure at their return means you still cannot let go of these feelings. That'll be €100 and I'll see you next week. Keep eating the mushrooms.


A less Freudian analysis might suggest you are worried about Lua (no less than obvious, that one) and whether you made the right decision (again, obvious). You are afraid you might want to keep her with you and be unable to make a hard decision when the time comes - despite their injuries you were glad they came back to you. You don't need a dream to tell you this; an unperceptive berk in an office 1000 miles away recognised it a month ago. Anyone worthy of the description 'human being' would feel the same.

Relax, enjoy your time with Lua - one of you could be hit by a bus tomorrow - you've already made one hard but right decision and you'll cope with any more as they come up. (These proverbial buses are deadly; they should do something about them, I say.)


How am I, did you ask? Well, there are things I could tell you would make your toes curl. However people who know me read this stuff so I'll just say I'm very well, thank you. The video recorder is another story. You just don't realise how vital these things are until they decide not to give you the tape back and sit there with a smug error number on their display. We're getting it fixed as we, erm, speak? but I think the purchase of a backup machine is on the list of 'things to do this week'. System redundancy the engineers call it: always have a spare.

We got two spam e-mails this week. It appears that two unrelated people in two South African countries, miles apart, both died on the same day in mysteriously similar circumstances. One might have been convincing (no, not really) but two would have looked suspicious even to someone with the perceptive talents of Mr Bean. Makes you wonder where they got our address from though; both at the same time. Who is it leaking these addresses to dubious foreign con artists? If I work out who gave our URL away I'm going to post theirs in a hackers' chat room.

Do you think these spammers spam each other?

Take care,

F

Hmmm . . . might have had something to do with sexual anxieties as Johnny Depp also put in an appearance at one point ( ) before things started going all weird and scary. Usually when I have the dream about having to rescue all the cats (which started ages ago, long before Lua got sick) they are only scary because I either can't find them or can't carry them all at once. But in the last one Sunny was bleeding from his eyes, Lua's body was all battered and broken and bloody and for some reason I had strapped Azar to my back and couldn't see him but also was too afraid to look at him. Well, it's like I always say - it ain't easy bein' me.

Oh, I want to hear the toe-curling stuff! That's what emails are for! I think I gave you mine ages ago.

Re: video machines. I hardly use mine since I bought a dvd player about a year and a half ago (so now I can rent films - yay! videos here are all dubbed into Spanish - boo!) But at Christmas time I had borrowed a special one from my neighbour that shows both N.American and European videos as I had some tapes from Canada of special Christmas programmes. And the bloody thing ate the first tape I tried out! So yes, I do know what you mean.

Well, time for bed, perchance to sleep. Possibly another factor to the weird dream thing is that I have this really stupid phoney sounding cough that really acts up when I am lying down. It sounds like this - eheh-heh-heh-heh-eheh - and really like I am just pretending to cough. Except it also kept me awake half the night last night. Have I already said that it's not easy being me?

buenas noches,
az

Dreams: If you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true? Johnny Depp eh? Strange that; people keep telling me how much I look like him!

If it was easy being you everyone would be doing it; then where would you be? Just another orange blossom in a land of lemon trees.

I'll give some thought to e-mailing you but I'm trying to stay aloof (Britain needs loofs).

They say they've fixed the VCR (again) and we can have it back today. It may have been the tape though because it's quite an old one and we do work them pretty hard.

For the sleeping and coughing thing you need to suck a Fisherman's Friend. Or you could get some cough pastilles instead.

Going for a Want one?

Au revoir et Bon Chance.

F

Hmmm . . . was going to make a stupid joke about a fisherman's friend that looks like Johnny Depp but then thought better of it.

Aloof, eh? Atchly I don't think that email address I gave you works anymore so if you ever want to send an email I'll give you my other address. I mostly use the email option when I want to say something that I obviously don't want THE WHOLE WORLD to know about. Or to gossip about someone here

Much too late for now, thanks. I've just got home from an afternoon/evening of classes and am ready to have some nice and

Simple pleasures . . .

az

...for simple folks?

We got the VCR back. They said it was the tape, that it had grease on it and had wrapped itself around the rollers. They also said the machine was working fine and they had watched a movie on it. (Presumably not busy yesterday, then.) We took it home, plugged it in... it doesn't work! It plays at the wrong speed and has noise all over the picture. I tried adjusting the tracking and with different tapes but to no avail. My wife is taking it back today for another go.

Johnny Depp an angler's associate? Could be a movie in it. For some reason I would have put you as more of a Jude Law or Liam Neeson kind of girl than Johnny Depp but, hey, whatever presses your buttons. If he's reading this maybe he'll drop you a line. You know it pays to advertise.

F

Actually more like Benicio del Toro and Gabriel Byrne (Johnny is very pretty but almost *too* pretty).

What a drag about your video machine! These days it seems it is cheaper and less hassle just to buy new stuff than repair the old stuff.

Well, off for a bike ride. Don't know how far I'll get as it is VERY windy today, but I want to at least try.

How are you today?

az

message for Benicio:
Te espero, corazón

Does Benicio del Toro translate as 'Benny the Bull'?

My wife phoned from the video repairer's to say there was grease on the drum and this was spoiling the tracking. It looks like the grease came from the original problem two weeks ago and could have contaminated the tape; which has now recontaminated the drum. This means all the tapes we used since it was repaired the first time are now suspect. Tish. The repairers are checking a couple of them over for us.

Technology huh? I remember when there were only two channels (not quite old enough for pre-ITV) and you watched one or the other or neither. Now we have over a hundred channels on Sky as well as five terrestrial, record on average one programme a night and we still can't find anything to watch. I really should get out more.

Our VCR was a present and is a particularly posh one but ordinary ones cost about fifty quid (€75) and a five year lifespan would make them pretty much disposable. I think a DVD recorder would be my future option though.

Apart from the aforesaid technological breakdown I'm OK thanks.

Tip: don't set off downwind; it's very much harder to get back that way. Go as far upwind as you think has provided the desired level of exercise then going home afterwards will be a breeze. Unless, as usually happens, the wind changes direction while you're out as it often does in that sadistic, remorseless way that is malicious meteorology.

Have a fun afternoon.

F

I lucked out with the wind. My route is always the same - a there and back again along the river which takes about an hour. Today I was against the wind on my way there which made coming home really easy! Unfortunately I passed a w**ker on my way. Before I realized what he was up to his trousers were down around his knees and, well, there he was. So naturally I averted my eyes and kept on pedalling. There sure are some very sick people out there, which is probably best not to think about too often.

My neighbour just bought a dvd player for about 60€. I know what you mean about television. I only have the normal five channels but I really only use my tv to watch films on dvd or video. Last time I was in Toronto staying with friends they had about five million channels and there was still nothing to watch.

Benny the Bull??? Have you seen 21 Grams? He is quite wonderful in that film. *sigh*

az