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Posted Apr 3, 2003
Just got back from lovely family meal at the Indian buffet restaurant. Totally stuffed. Should be happy but I've nose-dived again and feel miserable... No real reason why! Feel full of anxieties and silliness... Most of all I feel alone, which is silly because I have a loving family, relationship and good friends - I'm not alone! I keep telling myself that but I still feel isolated. Maybe I'm isolated within myself - living within some kind of barrier. I don't know. All I do know is that I'm desperate to strike some kind of middle ground, and just feel OK all the time instead of being on a rollercoaster.
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Latest reply: Apr 3, 2003
Feeling lots better
Posted Mar 28, 2003
Back on top of things, I think, being upbeat again. Latvia is looming, less than two months to go before my Eurovision visit! Preparing a research proposal for Birmingham University, so things are hopefully looking up.
I have a surprise to look forward to tonight - I'm being taken somewhere 'nearby', which sounds ominous... I hope it's good!
I'm going to relaunch myself into the Latvian / Estonian online projects, since they were a good idea and had lots of potential before development on them stagnated earlier in the year.
And Monday is DAY ZERO... My fitness plan begins! (Again!) Wish me luck...
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Latest reply: Mar 28, 2003
Feeling down and not knowing why
Posted Feb 28, 2003
I'm in one of those moods... Started this morning, sort of left me at work since I was busy, but it's down on me again. Down and not really sure why. Blame the coffee I had at work since I'm not really supposed to drink it, it makes me go funny - like this. All paranoid and frightened. Dunno why I drank it. But I was feeling a bit miserable before the deed, on the way to work in the morning.
Maybe it's the weather - sort of dull, not doing anything exciting. Then the drizzle all day, semi-rain, not spring showers and not dramatic thunderstorms. Just boring, relentless drizzle.
I wish I could snap out of it tonight cos I don't like feeling like this. There's a huge optimism and joy inside me and it sits uneasily with these dark moods. It's not 'me' at the moment.
I bet this sounds really daft. Everything seems to be going right at the moment, I've no reason to worry and get upset. There's just this gnawing anger and feeling of being hard done by in me, that seems to have no reason for being. It doesn't happen very often, it's just horrible when it does. I suppose everyone has bad days from time to time. I know some of my friends go through the same now and again too.
I feel a bit silly now, writing all this into the web for all to see. Hope no one thinks I'm stoopid. 
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Latest reply: Feb 28, 2003
Peeling fruit
Posted Feb 28, 2003
Sometimes I excel at peeling oranges badly. Clumsily my nails dig into the volatile pith and a spray of orange juice shoots out like a joke water pistol. It's the downside of giving up nail-biting, no doubt.
Feel a bit exposed today, a bit unprotected from the world. Delicate, you could put it. For some reason I was really down on the way to work... for no apparent reason. Feeling very tired lately, not sure whether it's too much junk food, or a bug, or worrying about everything (as usual), or just trying to do too much at work and home. Or perhaps it's the lull of concrete tasks to do at work, leading me to spend the day in a stuffy office with little natural light and too much heat, trying to find things to do. It's SO quiet at work lately.
I'm looking forward to my night in Llandudno tomorrow... I really miss the sea. In fact, the last time I saw it was in Barry Island with Diane and James, and THAT was a while ago now! The sea represents freedom to me - openness, possibility, opportunity. It reminds me that we live on an island, which I like... Reading Jeremy Paxman's "The English" lately, and it hammers home how much that fact has shaped English character and history. Ooh... commuting has made me soooo bookish, with all that spare time to read! 
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Latest reply: Feb 28, 2003
Between a rock and a hard place
Posted Feb 22, 2003
It's horrible when you have a decision to make that will either upset your partner or your friend. Whatever you do you'll cause upset and get some upset back. I hate it! In the end it's easier to stay loyal to the one you have to spend the most time with, just to keep life calm on the whole... But it still hurts to make these decisions.
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Latest reply: Feb 22, 2003
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King Raldon IV of Zid
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