h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

hello! havent talked to you in ages, or so it seems... actually i'm here to invite you to a suprise party for jerms... http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/F1666374?thread=603250&post=6674479#p6674479 its going to be in 5 days... thats when he gets bacl:) i thought it would be nice to throw a little suprise party for him. and any old excuse for a party!!!!

Hey Arisztid !!

I am with agreeance with you on that one, any excuse for a party !

I suppose the big question will be, is that 5 days *including* today?

Would it be possible to get that in hours ?

Just because I won't be here on the Sunday, but will be on the Monday...

in timezones

oh dear........ you do ask the most difficult questions......

lets see....

you live in australia right?
so if today is my tuesday then its your wednesday... so... i thin it happens my sunday... which should be your monday....and i would think somewhere around my 5:30.... which was about half an hour ago.. i dont know waht time taht is for you...

hope that helps...

Monday at lunch time then - count me in

(Sorry for making it so difficult )

s'ok. anything for you tanzen

yay! its tonight! ....well i guess your afternoon.... but you know what i mean....


see you there

TAM COWAN Feb 9 2005




Tam Cowan



JORDAN IS HARD DONE BY

THERE'S an old woman who sits outside the off-licence at the top of my street and spends most of her time drinking and shouting obscenities.

She wears a badly stained coat, at least four flea-bitten cardigans and what appears to be Paw Broon's old slippers.

So listen... how the hell has Jordan just been named the world's worst dressed woman? The judges didn't exactly do much research, did they?

And another thing, when did they manage to find Jordan dressed?

AND ANOTHER THING...

JUST back from a fact-finding mission in Dublin, a pal who runs a few pubs has a word of warning for those rubbing their hands at the prospect of a smoking ban.

Sure, you can't smell any cigarette smoke in Irish bars these days.

But what you get is something much worse - the nasty whiff of punters. Yes, with no Embassy Regal fumes to mask the pong, the nostrils are now treated to the pungent smell of stale sweat.

And it was particularly bad in one of the boozers my mate visited.

'I think the guy standing next to me used Lynx,' he said. 'Beef Lynx.'

POLICE are still trying to track down the mystery weirdo who sneaks on to garage forecourts and drinks petrol. So far, though, they know nothing about the man. Except, of course, that he's a non-smoker.

A MIDDLE-AGED couple with two beautiful daughters decided to try one last time for the son they had always wanted.

After a few months, the wife finally got pregnant and had a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed to the hospital to see his son, but was horrified to be shown the ugliest baby he had ever seen.

'There's no way I can be the father of this monstrosity,' he roared at his wife. 'Look at our two beautiful daughters.'

He then lowered his voice and asked: 'Have you been cheating on me?' His wife smiled and said: 'Not this time, darling.'

#WHAT did you do yesterday to celebrate Pancake Tuesday? I stayed home and looked at my topless photos of Tara Palmer-Tompkinson. #MAKE sure you've got a box of tissues at the ready on Sunday night. Channel 4 is screening another one of its big list shows.

That's already more than enough to turn on my waterworks, but this one's called The 100 Greatest Tearjerkers and includes clips from Eastenders, Blue Peter and the last episode of Blackadder.

Wonder if it will include my No.1 TV weepy moment? 'But now, the first in a new series of The Vicar of Dibley.'

RAM-RAIDERS

THIEVES stole £30,000 from a bank in the village of Langholm after using a stolen tractor to smash into a cash dispenser, but it's surely unfair to describe them as 'ram-raiders'. Doesn't that mean something totally different down Dumfriesshire way...?

IT'S NOT OVER..

DID you read about the billionaire who paid Geri Halliwell £500,000 to attend the opera as his guest? Well, it seems the former Spice Girl wasn't his first choice. Top of the list was actually Pop Idol's Michelle McManus, but he feared the rest of the audience wouldn't leave until she sang...

SHAME ON YOU SAMMY!TRYING TO INJECT SOME FUN INTO FOOTIE

HAS there been a sense of humour by-pass at Parkhead? Celtic clearly weren't tickled by John Yorkston's tongue--in-cheek joke about Bobo Balde causing more injuries than Dunfermline's plastic pitch. Now they want the SFA to throw the book at the Pars chairman.

Come on, it was only a light-hearted gag. And in terms of any offence it may have caused, I'm afraid it doesn't even come close to the inflammatory comments made by Chris Sutton two years ago when he basically accused the entire Dunfermline team of cheating. Don't recall Celtic urging the SFA to throw any books on that particular occasion, do you?

Actually, I think we're still waiting on a full, personal apology from big Chris.

Perhaps Yorkston should take a leaf out of Sutton's book and say sorry to Celtic through his agent. Dunfermline have the only artificial surface in the SPL(well, if we don't count Jimmy Calderwood's complexion) and it seems Celtic don't like plastic pitches.

Unless, of course, every club in the English Premiership had one, but that's another story.

It would appear the Parkhead club also don't like having the mickey taken out of them by a bloke dressed up in a furry costume.

Yes, Pars mascot Sammy the Tammy apparently enraged Celtic further by limping on to the park with bandaged knees and a walking stick - a mischievous dig at Celtic's fragile superstar Craig Bellamy - and the toys were once again chucked out of the pram.

Shame on you, Sammy. Imagine trying to inject a bit of fun into football? You should be utterly ashamed of yourself.

Big Bad John, however, should be congratulated.

Imagine still being in the mood for cracking jokes after watching that crap at Dunfermline all season.

He's one of Scottish football's larger than life characters and I'm very fond of the big fella.

How could you not like a man with a voice like that?

John's got a classic Fergie-style 'burr' and, if the SFA are hell-bent on punishing the Pars chief, perhaps they'll consider ordering him to appear on Off The Ball to recite 'Round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran...'

We asked him to do it a few weeks back, but he politely refused.

Anyway, a couple of quick points before we leave this nonsense.

If big Balde is such a gentle giant, how come the Celtic fans threaten opposition players with a chorus of 'Bobo's Gonnae Get You'?

And listen, before anyone else slates John Yorkston, don't you think it would only be fair to at least check the facts?

Has Bobo Balde caused more injuries than Dunfermline's plastic pitch? I think we should be told.

SWEET LITTLE MYSTERIES

GOT a great email the other day called Did You Ever Stop And Wonder.

It's basically a list of baffling little mysteries. Here's a few examples that'll have you scratching your head for weeks.

Who was first to look at a cow and think 'I'll squeeze those pink, dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking the time, but don't point to their bum when asking where the toilet is?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Does pressing the elevator button more than once make the lift arrive quicker?

ALPHABET SOUP

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

And here's my favourite. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

NICKY CAMPBELL

WHILE trying to read out an email about something called the West Kent Hunt, an unfortunate slip of the tongue from Nicky Campbell shocked Radio Five Live listeners. One of them - my Aunt Agnes - told me: 'Now I'll never be able to hear Nicky Campbell's voice without thinking of the c-word.'

Couldn't agree more - I've felt the same way for years.

boring tonight

That's because you're on at the wrong times

lol i cant if ur upside down in aussie we are night and day us pair lol

Well you guys are what, 9 hours behind us now ?

9 hours if you’re being ambitious that is…everyone knows that Aussies are light years ahead of most folk

tanzen!
i was just going through some of my old conversations... and i realized i havent talked to you in ages!

so here i am...... i've missed you!

how are you doing?

Hey Arisztid !!

How goes it on your side of the planet !

I haven’t been around so much lately…the lady I work with has taken a month off…so I’ve been w**king like a madman

Could you ever find it in that bog ol’ heart of yours to forgive me ??

mmm......posting.........
so good to have it back!

tanzen! of course i can forgive you! after all i've dissapeared before. just good to talk to you again

life here goes pretty well. i made a new journal entry on it just the other day got a part time job, got accepted to college, and i'm graduating very soon so i'm rushing to do my work.... and so i'll be doing a little dissapearing myself...

how are you doing?

It’s been going full throttle up there then, has it ??

So what will you be doing at college? I went to uni for a year…then I deferred for a year and never went back. I think I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up

(Somehow I don’t think I could cut it as my first option, which was “fireman” )

How’s it feel to join the workfarce ? Is this your first job? Where I am now is my first job…I’ve just managed to cling to it for the last 6 years or so . Actually I think I’ve become too multi-skilled for them to give me the flick now…which is handy because I don’t know how many workplaces would let em come to work in my velvet

Things here are ok. W**k is no fun, but it pays the rent, and for the life of luxury () to which I have become accustomed .

well... for college my plan is to do an associate of arts degree. still have to pick out all my courses and everything, it all seems so scary.

a fireman! cool! i wanted to be a policeman, and then for years i wanted to be a teacher...i've definately decided against that one though.

joining the workfarce? not too bad. i love my job. this isnt my first job... its my 3 i think, well 4th if you count all that time i spent volunteering in hopes of getting hired at that one place.
the people i work with are all very nice, and i get to pick what days i work! its really flexable! and so far not too hard at all. even if it is boring, i get paid well.

oooh.... velvet........ soft, fuzzy.....

Is that arts as in drawing/painting arts? Or arts as in literature and philosophy ? Do they even use the latter as a form of art in America? I only ask because I was doing an Arts/Law degree, but it was a literature/history kind of arts...

Being on the fat side, and having dodgy knees really takes me out of the running for anything...involving running ...oh well, I don't think I'm a good enough person to be one of those "save the world types"...Funnily enough, I started Law because I wanted to save the world, but gave it up when I realised it was futile...

Oh well, I could always learn to fly

Glad you're enjoying your new job ! So many people *hate* their jobs, and it seems to soul destroying. I don't hate my job...I just wish I sisnt have to do it so often

Yeah, velvet makes me happy . I have 5 velvet skirts that I wear every opportunity I get...they bring me joy

ahhh tanzen, i love talking to you. i've been so stressed out all day, and at the moment everything finally feels more or less peaceful. thank you

its arts as in literature and phillsophy. i want to be an interior designer, but i think i should do this thing first, that way i'm in less trouble if i shuold change my mind later. (psst... when you said america did you mean that including canada? not that i mind at all, i'm not anti american...).

ooh! you were doing law/arts!
aww... i used to want to save the world too. but really, it isnt possible... terribly sad as that sounds.

yes! learning to fly! remind me to put that on my list of things to do!!! ...shouldnt be too hard... its just a matter of missing the ground when you fall...

well i've only been one day on the job so far, but it seems good. and even if it turns out i dont like it that much i think it'll be ok. as i said, the people are nice. and whats more if i dislike it the pay will make up for it, i'm making at least a dollar an hour more than any of my friends who have been at their jobs for about 2 years.

ooh! wearing things that make you happy! personally i just love wearing black, that makes me happy. but my parents and majority of my friends are at war with me to wear bright colors. i dont see why, it makes me happy........
i think the happiest thing i've worn in a long time was a beautiful black cape, the ony i sewed myself for halloween. unfortunately i wont be doing that again.

time to get something to drink, then i'll be back

I'm definitely glad you decided to drop by, it's been *ages* since we've had a proper chin wag, I was missing it !!

I keep talking in continents...I don't even know why, all my UK mates complain about UK...all my Asian mates complain about Asian...I guess I'm just a bit vague before my

I thought about being a Literature Teacher, because I love books, and I'd love to read and talk about reading for a job...my literature teacher in High School was the best, she was a crazy old hippie lady in velvet...I want to be her when I grow up

("Crazy old hippie lady in velvet" is probably more attainable for me than "fireman"...all I need is to get a little older !)

I think we can save the world, but I don't think that the structure that's in place at the moment is going to facilitate it. Which is why I plan on creating a "President of the World" position...and being elected. Failing that, we'll have to take it by force! Are there any more s or glitter bombs around ??

Have you seen Mythbusters over there? It's these two special effects guys who use science to test urban myths, like what gets out skunk smell and whether or not holding plywood in a wind will make you fly...anyway the conclusion I've drawn from watching the show is that it's not as easy to miss the ground as I'd first thought...oh well, we'll just have to keep trying !

I'm glad it's all going well so far at the new job. I think the important thing to remember with jobs is to keep them in context. There are people who absolutely love their jobs and they get joy from them, and that's great. But let's face it, there's not a whole lot of those jobs out there. Most of us w**k so we can get money and do things after w**k...so there's no point letting your job ruin the weekend, otherwise it just deefeats the purpose...

...did that make sense

I have one black velvet skirt, one purple burgundy and black, and one cream burgundy and black. At one point all of my clothes were black or burgundy...it makes it easier to match them in the morning . these days I have a few more colours...to be honest I have no idea where they came from

I used to have a beautiful burgundy velvet hooded cape...unfortunately it, like a great deal of the things I *had* got "misplaced" one night...that's why I'm not really allowed to have pretty things...I keep losing or breaking them. So much so that I don't really get upset if I lose them anymore...so it goes, right ?

My friend told me she would make me a new cape...I may take her up on it

...I seem to be running at the mouth a bit today

i missed it too! down with evil school and work that gets in the way of the more important things in life

mm... a literature teacher. that might have been a good idea for me. i love to read. i didnt think i'd ever find a job where all i had to do all day was read. but i dont think as a literature teacher i'd get much oppertunity to read science fiction or anything.

can we save the world? i'll definately vote for you.... can i help you!?
we defiantely have more glitter bombs and s on the ship! help yourself! after all, its for a worthy cause, and one of my favorite officers!

i havent actually seen mythbusters, but i've heard of them. too bad about flying being harder than i thought.... oh well, i can still dream...

i agree about work. i really hope that i get a job i like enough that it doenst seem like work to me, but i certainly wont find a small part time job like that. good thing i dont have to work on the weekends, that would have been aweful!

i wish i didnt get so upset when i lost things, but i still do. i guess i just havent learned the art of detachment yet

you know.... a cape..... they're really not terribly hard. i'd sew one for you if you liked. but then i suppose it depends on what kind of a cape you're looking for. i only know how to do one kind.

and i dont mind you talking i love it! talk more! its making me happy

I know, I'm sick of w**k getting in the way of chatting to mates

I've never really been into science-fiction. I think the closest I got to it (apart from Hitchhiker's) was 2001: A Space Odyssey (which I daresay I spelt wrong) and a couple of the "Red Dwarf" books . I don't have any problems with sci-fi, I guess I've just always been a sucker for the classics . My little brother (I shouldn't say that any more, he's nearly 17 and taller than all the siblings already ) has inherited this, which is lucky. For years I had all these books and no one who would love them...now I have my brother and my boy, both of whom are regularly thrown into the path of books

Well we'll have to think about a plan for taking over the world...I'm not in it for the money, or the power (too much of either tends to make me a little uneasy to be honest ), I just want to see if the world can be fixed...and the structure as it stands won't allow it...so we may have to build an army

Mythbusters is one of the few shows we *don't miss*...having said that, the other showwe always had to watch was "Battlefield Britain"...I have a feeling that I'm going out with a ...and so is he

I think once we take over the world we should change the way jobs work...I mean communism was a nice theory, but I think they oversimplified it...and, as with many great ideas...it gets turned to when you put people in charge of it ...Maybe some sort of system where every job has a set pay per hour and a maximum number of hours you can do it...that way people aren't getting too rich, or staying away from their families too much ? I don't know...maybe hippies don't rule the world for a reason

Unfortunately I learnt the art of detatchment very early on in life. It's overrated In fact I'm only just learning how to stay attached to things these days. I got used to having pretty things and losing or breaking them...I'd almost forgotten what to do with the ones that wouldn't get lost or break

Well I'm glad you're happy princess !