'The Quantum Physics Cookbook' - Flash

‘The Quantum Physics Cookbook should do, you know. Firstly it defines everything that is tiny and most things we don’t understand. No, the Loch Ness Monster’s a myth - I’m into facts – if you can have facts with this subject.

Open your book at page sixty-seven – that’s page two hundred and four, and you are going to have to reverse the structure first, that’s if you’re new to quantum concepts. You will see the chapter ‘Why Does Gravity Have Such A Weak Effect In Quantum Physics?’ if so, then you’ve jumped seventeen nano bytes to far and you will have to employ a little EM – (electro magnetic) influence to bring you back – or is that forward to the correct juncture and start again. I’ll give you a few moments to sort yourself out.

Right, is everyone on the right page? Yes, I know it’s small, that’s the point. We’re not in the realms of E=MC2 today – yes, I know Einstein must still be kicking himself for rejecting everything about the tiny – oh, yes, he was great with the big and no mistake.

Are you all on the correct page? Then good. ‘String Theory Soup - the Dish of the Day’, now’s who’s brought their quantum palmtops? Good you all have, key in ^* and divide by ~ x ^. Now you should all have something different. Remember that quantum mechanics deals in probabilities and not certainties - even though it is certain that it will happen.

Yes, you all have a different answer – excellent!

Quantum Physics predicts with this simple equation that anything is possible and probable. The chance of me walking through that wall is improbable unless it is repeated forever and then there is a small – I love small, chance of success, but it will happen. I know it’s hard Stephen, but you need to pay attention, Of course this event will probably happen on a parallel plain for this process to be played out and now, somewhere, someone has just walked through a wall. Try it if you want, this might be your lucky day.

Put it this way. You go into a cake shop and order a cream cake – you know the ones with the raspberry jam in them. In the quantum world, the shop girl can only answer, ‘Yes, I’ll try to complete your order’, and the chances are that the girl will return with a fish - at least it’s a foodstuff. Have you all got that? Good then, onto the car.

Yes, I know I said soup, but remember this is the quantum world and even though everything is accurate, nothing is certain on the one plain even though it is certain. Okay? Please take out your spatula – this will not be used, but please hold it to get the feeling right. That’s it, that’s good.

No, Angela, you won’t need a bowl.

Press `’ on your computer and enter. I love it when these many calculations are running at once. Right, yes, I know Tom. You will all have different answers. Haven’t you been listening? Please, Tracy! Don’t open that vortex – close it quickly. That, combined with the EM seeping from the tiny, will have the wrong effect with the gravitational force of your hair – stop it now. That’s good.

Are we nearly there, people?

Okay. Now take a pinch of salt and think of a quasar between ten and ten – no, not ten and one hundred – ten and ten. Press enter. And there you have it – a two week holiday for seventy-three people in seventeen thirty seven on the planet Blip three weeks ago last Tuesday.

Right, is that clear to everyone?

Who knows the future? Jonathan Cainer may speculate using the stars as a guide, whilst others really don’t care what happens an hour from now and the remainder of us dream.

The hour crept past midnight. The distant television droned blissfully. Caffeine pumped my veins sending my head into overdrive and my fingertips tapping on my dusty keyboard. I’ve been doing the same for years and before the computer I put pen to paper vigorously. Now the paper is just for drawings, paintings and doodles.
I’m forty-one, this event happened in September, but what’s in an age - numbers. My history is mixed and varied, from youth work, the theatre and graphic design. Always, the urge to create has been with me – pushing me, driving my soul and other body parts. I’ve had differing levels of success – to define success I do not on a material plain – I hope to do this shortly.
My published work consists of one article in ‘The Book of the Future’, a BBC publication and the brainchild of Douglas Adams – buy a copy, all profits go to Comic Relief and it’s only a ‘fiver’.

Mark Pettifer

[email protected], or [email protected], if any of you have the urge to contact me for nice and friendly reasons.

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