h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Pebblederook and Paul

"I sensed that you were coming and I have a potion that will take away your pimples and a wide range of wondrous adventures which will give your life much needed meaning and excitement."

"You have a choice of either becoming a Time lord Apprentice and working along side the Doctor or become either one of the X-men or an auror at the Ministry of Magic or perhaps even become a member of the Istari in Middle Earth?"

~~A Sew Words on Brevity~~

"Brevitatiousness is the essence, nay, the very soul of wittiness" was Baron Longwind's favorite saying. He would expound on the topic at every dinner party, though his harangue was invariably cut short by drowsiness an hour after he ate. The guests, unaffected by sleepiness, enjoyed the party long after he had gone to bed.

One night the Baroness's best friend asked her why the Baron always became so drowsy after dinner.

"Sleeping potion is the essence of what I feed the Baron at dinner," the Baroness said with a wry smile.

"I will show you how we created the perfect world we have now from the computer archives of a world constantly in turmoil with conflicts, natural and man made disasters and all other types of horrors, which was why we had to extend childhood and adolescence and why we never had a economy based on money nor the need for politicians or armies."

"As you see the changes we had to make to to re-write history and to accelerate the spiritual, emotional and physical evolution of humanity took several years."

"The immediate physical changes of humans took from July 1965 to July 1966 which only started after the first week of living in our new family home in Morpeth."

Morpeth lay in ruins. Rats ran unchallenged on the garbage-covered streets.

"No, no, you've mistaken Morpeth for Ankh-Morpethpork. There is no Morpeth. This story must be rewritten right now!"

The Phantom Businessmen

"Apprentice, I find these questions on these forms that we have been given by members of the Intergalactic Business Federation are extremely tedious, long winded and tiresome."

"I agree my teacher, as all we do is meet up with them and discuss why they are asking people on Denobulan to embrace the Ferengi rules acquisition and the Terran obsession of acquiring profit at any price as well as being tied down with many bureaucratic rules and regulation."

"Teacher, I agree. I find a very strange contradiction that those who embrace such a narrow view of economics will tie themselves down with so many restrictive laws."

When she was a teenager, Jane was well-known for her cooking skills
(nonexistent), her fashion sense (relentlessly drab and unimaginative), and her virtues as a hostess (she once mistook a corkscrew for a salad fork).

This changed drastically after she married Lord Bountiful, for now she
always won the top prize for her cherry pie at the fair, designed elegant, airy gowns for soirees and balls, and gave dinner parties that even Martha Stewart was envious of.

This did not sit well with the more suspicious townspeople, and soon there were rumors that Lady Bountiful was in cahoots with Doctor Frogenstein, an eccentric genius on the edge of town who was thought to be plotting to take over the town for his own sinister purposes.

"I haven't seen the Doctor since she disappeared five years ago," Igor told the mob of peasants with pitchforks who stormed Frogenstein Castle, "but once a year she sends me an elegant birthday cake."

Soon the truth appeared: far from ordering Lady Bountiful around, Doctor Heloise Frogenstein was her prisoner and tutor in the domestic arts.

In his early years, Matthew liked to read comic books about Herby,
a fat kid with super powers who saved the universe on a daily basis.
Matthew longed for powers like that, and was delighted when his wish
was granted on his 21st birthday. Donning an extra large superhero
costume, he called himself "Supersize" and began rescuing fat people
from the top floors of burning buildings -- usually to the applause of
firemen who were relieved not to risk hernias from carrying them down
the ladders.

One day the earth was invaded by Sumos from the planet Adoposia,
a ravenous race that destroyed everything that stood between them
and their Whoppers. The Sumos handily defeated Earth's other superheroes, but Supersize disguised himself as a Sumo and persuaded them to attack other planets that had *much* better food.

The new grocery store had all my favorite products -- Dean Martin's "That's Amore" pizza, Judy Garland's Rainbow Trout, even Manhattan Transfer's "Java Jive" coffee. I was also pleased to find Tim McGraw's "You Want Fries," frozen berries from the Beatles' Strawberry Fields, and James Cagney's Public Enemy Grapefruit. I noticed that the magazines grouped around the checkout line were different from the ones I had found in other supermarkets: "The Economist," "Foreign Affairs," "Sky and Telescope," and "Journal of the American Medical Association." I became so engrossed in these wonderful publications that I almost forgot about my groceries!

My little woodland adventure

It was a cold misty autumn morning where I went to the local nature reserve where I worked as a the receptionist/information assistant and as I came early I decided to take a relaxing stroll through the nearby woods.

Suddenly I disappeared to find myself in a mass of people who were trying to escape from the city from a man who was floating in the air announcing that how omnipotent he is and that he will give everyone mutant powers whether they liked it or not.

My latent psionic abilities were activated and the dreams where I could perform fantastic magic spells came true and I was given the mutant ability to manipulate time and reality which caused a lot of emotional trauma as I had abilities that I could not cope with and did not have the support to learn how to use my abilities to the fullest.

"There is nothing wrong with Mrs. Jenners" was Mama's favorite mantra.
Mrs. Jenners was a very large and very ancient turtle which had been
passed down from Great Grandma to Grandma and thence to Mama.
When Grandma was on her deathbed, she had predicted dire consequences
if Mama ever let Mrs.Jenners dies, so Mama was understandably eager
to believe that any ailment the turtle mihgt have was minor and posed
no threat of death.

One day, however, Mrs. Jenners did indeed die, and this certainly sent
Mama into a tailspin -- ashen compexion, shortness of breath, and a hurried conference with my sister.

When my sister emerged from her meeting with Mama, she had good news and bad news for the family: Mama was dead, but Mrs. Jenners had come back from the dead.

The Flemmit Incident, part One

I once served as the captain of a diplomatic starship tasked with getting concessions from planets in a sector where most of the lifeforms communicated by means of music. My superiors gave a me a budget that allowed for a cantor, a translator, a musician, a bare-bones replicator, and support staff. I was young, brash, and fond of the good life, so I tweaked things a bit. I obtained the services of a talented Flemmit, a multi-limbed lifeform who could sing and play many instruments at once, and who knew all the languages in the sector. The money I saved by hiring him was diverted into a state of the art replicator -- a smart move that I later realized was deeply flawed.

Is this the start of the November novel or are you just warming up?

[No, I'm just warming up]

The Flemmit Incident, Part Two


The trouble began when Flemmit, the ship's musician, coaxed the replicator into creating a mate for him. I scolded Flemmit for this breach of protocol, but he argued that the others of his kind were all at the other end of the sector, and that I had refused his last nine requests for leave.

"Females are not allowed on the ship," I objected -- whereupon the other Flemmit reassembled herself as a male -- "and we only have enough food for one Flemmit" -- the replicator heard this and promptly made plenty of Flemmit food -- and as your captain I can replace you if you don't follow orders."

Flemmit just smiled at this, for he knew he was saving me money by doing the work of three.

Annoyed, I demoted Flemmit, whereupon he told the replicator to create a clone of me -- a clone who countermanded my orders and persuaded the courts that I was guilty of impersonating him.

The tedious romantic lament

In the land where the main industry is in romantic literature and music and where everyone is bombarded day and night with romantic songs and serious romantic TV shows and films.

This has led many to escape to far flung places of the world where are able to escape from the constant din of extremely irritating, whiny music and it has led people to take up mountain climbing, sailing, and abseiling just for some peace and quiet.

Others find solace in superhero role play games but now and again the sneaky criminal attackers in these games have started using devious methods such as spraying themselves with a perfumed spray which makes all attackers when to go up and kiss and cuddle them.

loved it, but can you tell me where I can get a supply of that perfumed spray?

[Waits for answer]

My only hope these days is probably Brut's new 'Essence of Chloroform'.

Pebblederook, probably you can get from the fictional Weasley Brother's joke shop in Diagon Avenue.

[Here's a story that is in keeping with the approach of Halloween]



A brisk wind sent dry leaves scudding across the cobblestones as locals and tourists alike walked their dogs, relaxed beside the
gurgling fountain, or heard Mad Harry proclaim that the world's
problems were caused by dead poeple.

Harry was pulling out all the stops today, emboldened by the mild
October sunlight and a crowd of smirking onlookers who clearly felt that they were looking at *one* world problem that could be traced to someone who was very much alive.

Finally a stern-faced woman with a purple coat and a hairdo that resembled a gray Brillo pad exclaimed, "What about Serial Granny, who's wanted for killing 28 people in the rooming house she owned?"

"She killed those people when the Moon was full," Mad Harry said confidently, "and it is well-known that the Moon is full of dead people."

Suddenly everything went black for Harry, and when he awoke he was on the Moon,surrounded by angry dead people -- a sure sign that his day was about to get a whole lot worse...

Job skills requirement for an apprentice retail assistant

Apprenticeship position for a 16 year old with 2000 years work experience and has a midichlorian count of 27,700 as well as an Omega 6 level mutant powers.

This must be incorporated along with Ancient, Asgard and Galilfreyan DNA and must be in possession of an university degree in Magic which is at a doctorate level.

Recruit is required to never age past 16 and continue to evolve to a state that they become completely omnipotent.