h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Well, I don't know about you but after building my phaser, I made myself a time turner and then went and watched recordings of all my favourite Simpson's family TV cartoons.", said a very pleased looking Colonel O'Neill.

The writers J RR Tolkien and J K Rowling appear as they confess that it was they were transformed all the weapons of mass destruction into spaceships and a gigantic space station and it was revealed that J RR Tolkien was a member of the Istari and J K Rowling is the minister of Magic.

The famous authors inform everyone that are to receive a very important transmission from Captain Jean Luc Picard who's message will be transmitted though their P.A.D.D's which have been placed on the table for them to go and pick up.

Colonel O'Neill apparated on telepathically hearing that an important message from the Starship Enterprise was being transmitted and joined the rest who were all sitting at the conference table.

"Senator Kinsley who acts as the Vice President is infact a shape shifting Ferengi who with other shape shifter Ferengi are here to enslave the human race but more cunningly than the Goa'uld; but this will come to an end with the aid of the aurors employed by the Ministry of Magic and the X-Men who have the task of capturing him and the rest of the members of the Ferengi Alliance.", as Captain Jean Luc Picard paces up and down whilst straightening his very starched uniform.

"This Captain Jack Harkness from the very extended Torchwood Three team, with Suzie Costello, Toshiko Sato, Owen Harper, Ianto Jones and Gwen Cooper who have been alarmed at reports of the world's population mysteriously disappearing and now we have found out from the Doctor that they have all been transported to 27 replicas of Earth .", with excited team members all looking at screens showing Stargate Command and Starship Enterprise.

"Tell us about your ex-husbands, Stella," Nurse Serena said with an
enouraging smile.

"Tom was a teetotaller who turned into a raving alcoholic after our wedding, Dick was mentally stable until he ran out in front of a truck, and Harry -- the rat! -- had the nerve to say I had a toxic personality just before he fled to Tiera Del Fuego."

"But you bounced back well," Nurse Serena said, patting Stella's hand, "so well that we think you have the survivorship skills needed for our life extension program. If, as we expect, our program works, you will become the first woman ever to live past her 1,000th birthday."

Stella was impressed with her room at the clinic, but as she gazed across the courtyard at the men's quarters, she saw her ex-husband Max, clad in a "25 years sober" T-shirt. Apparently he was as much of a survivor as she was, but the next 950 years were going to seem awfully long cooped up in the same clinic as him.

For thirty years the Clock of Doom had quietly ticked the seconds away
on the mantle over Reva's fireplace. Reva wound it every day, never imagining that its alarm would someday go off, alerting her to the impending end of the world. That it chose to do so at four in the morning, jarring her out of a sound sleep, caused her to think homicidal thoughts about the grandfather who had bequeathed it to her, along with instructions on what to do when that day came. "Turn the clock around, open the little door in the back, take out the lamp of life, and follow where it leads you," he had told her on his deathbed.

Now Reva held the little tiny lamp in her hand and discovered that she didn't know to make it work.

Brilliantly written story Paul.

The mysterious pudding man

On a warm Saturday morning in the June of 1971 I found myself back in Plaistow, an East End London town which is not far from the river Thames; where I heard my mother announce to me and my sisters that we were going out shopping in Stratford.

I went out with my mother to get the bus stop at New Barnes Street where there was a very tall 6ft tall elderly well dressed gentleman with a very large bag of puddings which he was giving out to passers by.

"To celebrate my 110th birthday this month, I made large batch of 4 pint pudding basin size Christmas puddings and Clootie dumpling puddings and I am giving out one of each to all those who I think it would gain great benefit from them."

"Along with the puddings is are bottle of cognac, whisky to feed the puddings and a two large flasks of homemade Scotch Broth.", which he magically conjured up with a wave of his hand.

"The soup must be used first, and after that you prepare clootie dumpling and the Christmas pudding for eating in winter by continually feeding it with the bottles of liquor which have been added with secret ingredients which give it an extra boast; but you must not use for anything else as they give the puddings medicinal properties.", he put the puddings, bottles and the flasks in a tiny handbag which was made bigger by using the undetectable extension charm.

[You're making me hungry! ]

Paul

The elderly gentleman then gave each a small of bottle of a superpower elixir which will endower us with the abilities to teleport, manipulate time and reality, as well as whole range of psychic, psionic, energy and elements manipulation; along with magic wands.

We took the elixir and we were able to do all our shopping and even stop off for brunch and arrive at home only seconds after we met the elderly gentleman.

When we got home we did a 30 seconds makeover where we cast undetectable extension charms in every room, as well as the gemini charm to reproduce copies of the bedrooms via the built-in-wardrobe and turned the floors lino into carpet, and even added bathroom suites, studies, relaxation rooms in each bedroom and even turned the attic into a luxury bedroom.

Downstairs we did the same thing and we ended up with drawing rooms, studies, libraries, party rooms, music room, dining rooms, reception rooms and even a meditation room; the kitchen was was 12 times larger and divided in several sections which included larders, pantries, utility room, scullery, laundry room, airing cupboards, ironing room, storeroom, and a food preparation room.

[You do realize, don't you, that having so much more floor space will be beastly to keep clean? or do you have special cleaning charms? ]

Something that can help reduce cleaning needs is a positive pressure filtered air supply, since first the building has to be made reasonably air (and dust) tight to support a somewhat elevated interior air pressure and second, once that's achieved, whenever a door is opened, the air gusts outward, blowing the dust (and insects) away.

Positive pressure air conditioning was developed originally as an adjunct of aerospace 'clean room' technology.

I grew up with Norman and Jean, attended their wedding and then their funeral when a huge truck hit their car on Christmas Eve, killing them instantly.

Ten years later I happened to be in my cellar looking for Christmas tree ornaments, when I happened to see three doors that I hadn't noticed before. Opening the first door, I saw Jean, very much alive but ten years older than she had been.

"Jean, I thought you were dead," I stammered, at which she put her arms around me and explained that it was actually *Norman* who was dead, not she.

I tried a second door, and this time I saw Norman, who was grieving the death of Jean.

Apparently the doors led to alternative universes, for when I tried to open the *third* door it would not let me in: that was the universe where Norman and Jean were both alive, but I had died.

We all went through the various rooms of the house waiving our magic wands and shouting out the scourify charm whilst freezing time with the power of our minds.

As my Dad came in from work in the early afternoon, my Mam served him his lunch of the 'special' soup and added a potion that would give my Dad the same superpowers as we all had.

It was only then did I realise that my parents looked a lot younger and they both looked as though they were in their 20's and my parent's had shot up in height along with my Dad's bald patch had now disappeared as it was now covered in thick curly hair.

From a high mountain refuge, high above the clouds, which were crashing like sea foam on shoreline rocks around the peaks of lesser mountains, one reading aloud from a book, "...and there will be a new heaven and a new Earth...", looked up for a moment from the book.

The elder he was reading to remarked, "Like the post-Copernican revolution in astronomy and the post-Columbian revolution in geography! Some people are incredibly slow on the uptake."

We too were effected in the same way and our height greatly increased but we looked the same age and our I.Q. dramatically increased, the same way as my parents.

Ever since the events of the 5th of June, life dramatically changed for us all; my Dad did not have to use his car to go to work but teleported there and back which saved him a lot of time and as we had not yet been placed in schools we spent the time fine tuning our powers.

The football pools man came to collect our money on Tuesday and collected the form filled with crosses next to the names of Football clubs as well as money for spot the ball photo competition which was on the same form.

On Saturday evening the football pools form was checked and we found out that we had won the pools so we posted the form by 1st class registered post on Monday morning and on Wednesday we found out that we also won the spot the ball competition and by the 16th we were taken by car by the Football pools company to be presented with our cheques.

"Dorna Ploofle?" I exclaimed in disbelief, shocked that my first chance at being a character in a Paulh story was going to be derailed by such a lame name.

"It's yours if you want it," said the Director of Character placements in a flat tone, "and if you don't, I have hundreds of other would-be characters who would be eager to get such a chance."

I knew she was right -- I had waited six months just to get this one opportunity -- so I went through the door that she pointed to, and was soon sweeping the floor in a dusty Western saloon that would soon be attacked by alien rocket ships, stomped on by a monster that would make Godzilla quiver with fear, and terrorized by Elvis impersonators in lime green tutus.

What I hadn't counted on was the torrid love scene with the gorgeous hero just before he went out to vanquish the villains.

I hoped to see more of him if there was a sequel, but the Godzilla wanna be accidentally stepped on him, and the story had to end before the paramedics could revive him.

Her elegantly coiffed purple hair with silver streaks would have made her attractive were it not offset by the crude black tattoos on her neck and the rusty nails that jutted out of her pierced ears -- but who would notice it, given the petulant sneer on her face as she exclaimed, "How can you ask $400.00 for a wand that doesn't even work?"

"It has many uses, all of them described in the owner's manual," I explained, unsurprised that her reaction indicated little interest in reading *anything."

"And why hasn't my cellphone worked since I came here from my home world?" she complained.

"That's because high technology doesn't work in this magical world, and magic is useless in your technological one," I said, "but while you're here you might as well see a demonstration of how this very fine wand works."

"I doubt that it can do it, but show me how it can turn a person into a lizard," she said mockingly, whereupon I pointed it at her and turned her into a purple and silver striped lizard -- which her home world would probably welcome as an improvement
when she got back to it.

"Well, aren't you going to write something?

"I don't know. I remember I had what seemed to be a couple of good ideas last night, just as I was falling asleep and came to the computer intending to write them up, but now, I can't remember a thing."

"Perhaps you dreamed those ideas?"

I don't know, I can't remember anything I dreamed, either."

"Why don't you try writing about your real experience."

Paul and ITIWBS

"I have not told you my name I am Cornelius Shaw who is the grandfather of the villainous Mutant Sebastian Shaw and I am here to create a better world and empower those who would use their powers more wisely than my grandson".

"For this to happen you need to put your football pools and spot the ball competition winnings in a bank in Morpeth and you must have a quick sale of your house and as you leave your home in Plaistow to go back in time to the 4th of May in 1965 all the house's extra rooms will disappear only to reappear when you purchase your new home in De Merley Road which is the top end of Morpeth".

Thanks.