h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Poetry, poetry we need to keep ourselves warm
furiously write till the nib is near worn
put the last logs atop the blazing fire
chop up the sofa and add the floorboards to the pyre
then back to the stack of manuscript
the furious rythmn of these moveing hands
longer, longer let verse flood out
two paper piles today that stand
a monument to seasonal adversity
to stay warm its best to versify
In this cold white carpet land

I went to see Tony and he was muttering there is a yeti who is a fortiori.
He was hitting the helpless yeti with with a bread stick and some pepperoni.
Tony sat on the futon and then opened the hoc wine at the start of the committee meeting that was ad hoc.
I am going around the bend said Tony to the other committee members as he ran rounnd the clock.
He got some sheep to come and join in the committee where they were inducted in as the new flock.
The yeti has now been anounced as the new chair, where he will invite Betty.
He will then take bookings from members for holidays to the glorious, Serengeti.

All the other poets here, poems are wonderful, beautiful, delightful and full of exciting words and phrases.

Dogs like to bark in the dark.
They also like to jog in the park.
I even seen dogs on the Cutty Sark.
They make very funny remarks.
I even seen them bark at larks.
Then they become narked and then loose marks.
That means they will all have to retake their doggy tests.
Once they have passed, they will be get a few new vests.

There is a bug on the rug.
The bug is quite smug.
I will hug the bug and give it a mug.
The mug will be filled with hot chooolate.
I hope the bug will like it and that I am not too late.
Oh how happy the bug will be all snug in a rug.
While I lug a log for the bug to sit on.
Some bitterns will come to see the bug and to sing a song.
They will twitter as they litter but it won't last long.

I dug da bug-inna-rug

oh for an organic sheep
a mechanical custard pie
a bowl of brimmming biros
a mouse with hobnail boots
a cabbage flavoured milkshake
knitted daisychain walking socks
cheddar cheese cd roms
and lampshades of unexploded bombs
the future is bright-like
3minute microwaved dynamite

Lofty! Nice one.


Jabs

Loftyskywalker, love the poem

There are sheep that like to think very deep.
They wake up in the morning and start to leap.
Then they go and feast on tatties and neeps.
The shepherd and his dog then take the sheep out in the jeep.
But as they started the jeep, the engine started to weep.
Then the wheels laughed as the shepherd drove on.
Iit was not too long before the jeep turned into a whale.
The whale realized that he is not in the sea and then goes very pale.
The in instant flash, the shepherd and his dog, and the sheep along with the whale all end up in jail.

SHEILA AND BONES

By Paddy the Pirate (real name Henry Bluebottle)


My girl Sheila's not very tall but she's strong
She got strong by throwing chickens against the wall
And I don't know about her height, there's nothing wrong -
She's just not tall - that's all

She used to go out with someone very strange
As big as a mountain range
But he would get jealous, real sh*tty
Whenever he looked down at her because she's so pretty

He met me once
(She met me on the bounce)
And soon as she saw him she left with a flounce
With her nose in the air
Or at least what there was of it down there
To throw a few chickens into the air from despair

( Did you ever see -
Chickens are SO ugly!
They're worse than the trunks of elephants
Or men with no pants )

He said 'I'm Paul
I'm tall and my name rhymes with bamboo'
- I didn't argue

When I was younger I might have tried
- Then stumbled home bleary-eyed
And sat in the corner and cried
With my faithful dog Bones eating bananas at my side
- his name rhymes with glue -
One word from me and he'd always do
Just what he wanted to.

My Own real name rhymes with Boogaloo,
My nom de plume with Mount Everest.

Love it Jabs!

Thanks jab and TT also!

This is the best bad Poetry in the world!

DAFFODULLS


by Arthur Pintplease (deceased)

I wander’d lowly as a lonesome clod
That fools must throw to scare the gulls
When gradually there came in sight
A lot, really quite a lot of old daffodulls

Beside the field where all must weep
Unless they happen to be asleep

What ho ! I cried in kindly voice
If I could really have a choice
I’d choose brave twolips anyway
No noisome noiseless daffodulls for me
No maddening dancing daffoduds
Scaring the young and harmless buds
That all must drink on Superbowl Day
While relaxing to order and taking it easy.

Where are the nuts? Some’re on the telly
No wonder that they've all gone smelly
But no, I do not have to remind you
That all of the monkeys ain’t in the zoo -
Some nuts are running around you too.


with thanks to Billy Words-Worse and some songwriter

Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is one of Paul's dreams.

There is a sign on the edge of out Town that says: You are entering the Outer Limits.
Be aware that everything you see is not real but what you have seen are wandering hermits with permits.
This is the land that time forgot, and there is a black hole that is several miles wide where no journalist from London has ever been.
You could see wandering ufo's but actually they are buses which are rarely seen.
If there is a big story, it will never get into the news as it is too wild and dangerous for the media to bother reporting it.
You need your wits and plenty of courage to survive the Outer Limits so you need to stay fit.
The nearest AA&E hospital is nearly twenty miles away and there are very doctors around here.
So go at the end of the imaginary pier where they will serve beer, you will be taken there by a sphere.

i will try again without mistakes

There is a sign on the edge of out Town that says: You are entering the Outer Limits.
Then next to the sign is a poster warning others of the perils of entering such a dangerous place.
Be aware that everything you see is not real but what you will see are wandering hermits with permits.
Everyone of the hermits is called Dermit and the all talk backards and they live on hares and jugs of beer.

You will feel that time has stood still, and sometimes it can get very foggy where there will be flying moggies who are very soggy.
Bats become batty, rats become ratty and even cats have known to get very catty.
This is the land that time forgot, and there is a black hole so huge that it sallows up journalists from London.
You could see wandering ufo's but actually they are really buses which are very rarely seen.
If there is a big story, it will never get into the news as it is too wild and dangerous for the media to bother reporting it.

You need your wits and plenty of courage to survive the Outer Limits so you need to stay on your toes.
Please stay fit and try not forget to remit your permits when you go and stay at Joes.
Hoe down your hoes with the help of Joe and then go to and have a cup of tea with Hatty.
You can get very chatty with Hatty and she will bring her hats and bats so they can have a natter.
Do not forget to bring your recipes of yorkshire pudding and all things that are made of batter.


The nearest A&E hospital is nearly twenty miles away and there are very few doctors around here.
So go at the end of the imaginary pier where they will serve beer, you will be taken there by a sphere.
It feels like you are both far and near, and you will need to be without any fear.
Time is strange around here with clocks a going backwards and everyone was in a mad race.
Walking but not going forwards but instead going backwards and not getting anywhere.

There is an animal which is funny.
It is a dog. And a cat.
It is horse and partly a bunny.
When it eats too much it is fat.

Y.

Where, whence, and why? I ask these questions
As standing by the fishtank I espy
Six bloated guppies float -- some heart congestions?
Some epidemic so severe all die?

Did they die here, or in alternate places?
Their wormhole--fishhole, really--let them ply
Their trades as private eyes and flying aces
In other worlds--no limits but the sky.

They told me that their leader was the king
Of some great empire far beyond our sun.
His daughter was a diva who could sing
So well, her discs were always number one.

The other four were, variously, a puppy,
A llama, two bats, and as singing horse.
So, each was much more than a simple guppy.
I flushed them down the toilet, though, of course.

I woke up to find myself on a spaceship.
Everyone I met was talking in technobabble.
They all laughed as they stroked their pet tribbles.
Truly this was an eccentric bunch who had lots of hunches.
They had pigtails and moustaches, and were riding on 6ft roaches.
Then I started to perform a dance then I went into a trance.
One of them glanced at me and asked if we are in France.

I was dressed in the very best spandex and I felt very hip.
I even had superhuman powers and I could teleport at will.
There was a chill in the air as I started to shrill.
They all stopped what they were doing and read out their bills.
I replied but why do not you all relax and take a few chill pills.
All they kept on doing was sitting down and having boring committee meetings.
Then I realsied who they reminded me of, it was the non-Swedish alien Borg.
They all looked like weird cyborgs and had a website at borg@org.

I spilt my coffee when I saw Phil walking on gigantic stilts.
Phil was trying to eat asphalt and was shouting out insults.
Everyone aboard was jumping up and down, doing backwards somersaults.
One of the crew was playing scrabble then decided to join in the rabble.
Ducks appeared that started to gabble and they were all dressed in starfleet uniforms.
They wanteed me to conform but instead all I did was produce chloroform.

I think that you probably *were* in France, TT. Not the country France, but the planet France that orbits around a star know for its emissions that cause really weird behavior and thinking.

But, yes, the country France also seems to be like that sometimes as well.

Dr. Freud Speaks

Vot I zay iz verry grave
A bout zis vay youe are behave
all zis non zense ziggie nifies
An egg scape from a life, its stress itz liez,
Or from sex
Or death
Or zomebody's bad breath
Or zome other irritating zmell
But don't you do it vell!

Eye zankyew