h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I live with my cat called Kitty amd a dog called Dogtanian in a very small house.
At nighttime, I see a bug-eyed monster crawl over my bed and it looks like a gigantic louse.
Kitty spends time on the mat, purring and meowing and then suddenly she sees a mouse.
It amuses her for awhile and I find it is not a mouse but a rat.
It was a very unusual rat as it wore a very funny hat as it sat on the mat.
Then I put on the kettle to cook some fish which makes a very nice dish.
I serve up the meal for us all, including my neighour, called Trish.
I go out in the garden on a clear night and look up to the sky and make a wish.

Here is a the long-awaited poem that I have spent a huge 30 minutes writing:

The good ship Total Nonsense sits at anchor in the bay.
I let no sailor board her till he's heard
The story of my life--it takes a good long time to say,
And hours of laughter after what they've heard.
(But please do not assume my tale's absurd.)

I started as a goldfish swimming idly in a tank,
But one day Alice came into the room.
She had a little cake. The tag said "Eat me," and she shrank,
But tossed a crumb, which to my tank did zoom.

No sooner had I eaten it, but I began to change.
I was a kangaroo. I hopped away,
Until at length I came upon a busy driving range.
I filled my pouch with golf balls, earning pay.

But I annoyed a wizard who was playing, and he turned
Me into Mrs. Marzipan, the queen
Of elegant society--amuse me and you've earned
An invite to my parties, quite a scene!

I threw a stunning gala for the mayor late that night,
Attended by fine notables galore,
But oh, that wizard's curse kicked in, and so I looked a fright,
And everything I said was sure to bore.

Disgrace for me was total, and I wound up scrubbing floors,
And scrounging for what little food I'd find
In dumpsters, till one day I ate some magic petits fours,
And turned into a peacock named Belinde.

A zoo employee saw me. Soon I was on full display
Where tourists could admire my plumage fine.
A boy named Jack threw beans at me. I ate them right away,
And turned into a whale--no fault of mine!

They took me to the ocean, and I promptly swam away.
I found a desert island, where a boat
Was moored to one lone palm tree, but the man had died away
Who brought it there. I only found his coat.

Within the left breast pocket was a pillbox, with one pill.
I ate the pill, and soon became a man.
The ship I christened "Total Nonsense," and it's named that still.
So, stop laughing, you have heard how I began.

You have never heard a tale like this before,
And I'm sure it's one that you must not ignore.

Jabs

Sorry - I was not clear - for TT and her animals and for Paul's nonsense epic.

Jabs

Bravo Paul.H my grandnephew little Mason would love to hear it as a badtime story.
Thanks Jabs

I have looked outside and everwhere it is all white.
The sky is clouded over but everything is all right.
What a lovely treat to have snow this Sunday night.
I have a glowing sensation when it started snowing.
I feel like running outside through the snow and making a snowman.
Oh what fun it is to play with the snow, oh I would like to have some more.
If only it would snow at least 6 foot deep, please send some to Essex, I implore.
I look at out of the window and as the snow flakes are falling.
Thinking of past winters where the snow was several feet deep, with a stillness in the air.
This wonderful dream has to end as in a few moments, I have the bins out.
I hope there will be more snow tonight and tommorrow, if does not I will pout.

Weather warning! it’s not so kind
The wrong snow falls bear that in mind
Strange winds have blown, we no not from where
Step out of doors, you’ve been told! don’t dare

It looks just like the normal stuff
Driven on by evil wind that puff
But hidden in its deceptive look
Lives and minds this snow as took

Embrace it in mitten or cotton glove
It my be white, it is no dove
Roll it into a good sized ball
To position its head you stand on garden wall

From kitchen, bedroom and garage too
Dress it humanise it, eyes it has two
From cosy home when build is done
You suddenly noticed you’ve lost your son

You glance again in to picturesque scene
Snowman gone where has he been
Trail now leads towards the front door
Those two lumps of coal, now in back of your head do bore.

Its a cat and dog and mouse
-and rat and furry louse
-kind of world

I look up at the cieling
as my neighbour walks by
wearing a strange metalic hat
"No!!?" "A kettle?"-"yes!" "Just that."
As i fill the saucepan-with a sandwich
-and turn the heat down when its boiled
I Think!---------Its a funny old woild

I wish - i wish
for a pressure cooker
so i dont have
to wait for
my sandwichs to boil!

Hello friends! Just because she is on holiday doesn't mean that Amelia is being idle.

Oh the joys of travel!
(sub-title "A Travellers Rap" thanks to Mar!)

Take an airport, any airport.
Yes, any airport,
From Bangkok to Baltimore,
They’re all the same,
I could be anywhere in the world.
A place of limbo,
Of suspended animation,
A criss-cross hubbub of humanity
Intent on being somewhere else.

Check-in.
Fingers crossed against the dreaded excess baggage,
“Did you pack it yourself?”
“Has it been out of your sight?”
No - worst luck!
“Any livestock, explosives, aliens……?”
Zip it! No smart comments!
It’s not funny!
Really?

Ah, here’s a new entertainment:
Drink up your excess liquids before ‘security’.
Remove your shoes.
And your coat.
Take your laptop out of your bag
Put your cellphone into your bag
Any keys or coins?
You’ll have to take off your belt.
Now, boarding card please!

On board at last.
Excuse me, I think you’re in my seat.
Interminable wait for the passenger due in from Bogotá
Whose flight was delayed by bandits.
Push back from the gate
And the complimentary mystery tour of the airfield.
(Has the pilot lost his way already?)
Ah, this looks like a runway.
Lift-off.

“This is your captain speaking…”
Shouldn’t he be concentrating on driving this thing?
“The outside temperature is minus 53 degrees Celsius…”
We really wanted to know that.
“The present time at our destination is 3.15 a.m….”
So?
We shall arrive too late for lunch but feeling like it’s bedtime yesterday.
“So just sit back, relax and enjoy the flight….”
I intend to.


Life continues - but not life as we know it;
A suspended life above the clouds.
The cabin crew about their business
As though this is normal
This floating in the air.
“Coffee?”
“Perfume?”
“Turbulence?”
No thanks.

The trip to the loo – just to move about.
The conversation with a total stranger while you wait:
Where’re you off to then?
Been there before?
Oh yes, dozens of times!
Seasoned travellers,
All ‘old-hat’,
Bit of a bore really.
Yeah, right!

Watched all the movies,
Played all the games,
Eaten up my steak tartare and drunk the red wine,
Snatched a few minutes fitful sleep.
Six miles up in the air,
Every minute passing over six miles of earth-bound souls
Looking up and wondering where we're going,
Or not - we're commonplace, unremarkable,
Another silver dot tracing a white scar across the sky.

Just dozing off again and
“We are now starting our descent and the captain has turned on the seat-belt signs.”
Come out of the loo.
Belt up.
Sit up straight and put everything back where it was.
“In compliance with regulations the cabin lighting will now be dimmed.”
Thank goodness, half an hour more sleep.
Except the pressure in my ears won’t let me.
And back to earth with a bump.

And the day-lit night-time zombie walk
Through the endless corridors to baggage reclaim:
Please, please let it not be still in Seattle!
And the held breath through Customs,
Yes, the drugs are on prescription,
They’re for my paranoia.
Then, having promised that I will go home again,
I emerge onto the streets
Of the real world.

Amelia T
(with a certain amount of interference from el D)

Its a Miracle!

glad you had a safe journey home elD

Not home Lofts! Here til the end of February. Sitting in a hall behind the Tourismo at the moment enjoying their free Wi-fi. Could sit outside as it works there too but can't see the screen of my laptop in the sunshine!

Gee thanks pal, just what I needed!

I live in a very weird place
Where people live at a furious pace.
Sometimes I feel that I am living in Outer Space.
I live in Thurrock which is not considered part of Essex or London.
I have been running to catch a bus and now I ripped a tendon.
We have only one A&E and it's in Basildon and we feel abandoned.
There are lots of coffee mornings and boring meetings to make us feel cushioned.
One of my neighnours has a sweet frendly labrador and his name is Gordon.
When ever he sees me he gets so excited and treats me like a long lost friend.
He even puts out his paw, to say hello and kisses me with a lick of his tongue.
Coffee mornings and boring committee meetings help us cope and keep us young.
It is very difficult to find any local news, even on the Thurrock Gazette.
I tell people where I live and they ask me if I live in England and when I tell them where I live, they start to sweat.
Some people say that Thurrock is in a time warp, other say we live in the Delta quadrant.
I will pour out some hot blackcurrant and whistle a tuneless tune as I talk to my pc that is errant.

I do not know why I keep on misspelling the word neighbours neighnours.

I have a big fat tum.
It looks like wobbly jellly.
It shakes as I walk into the atrium.
I have hearty laugh that shakes my belly.
My stomach looks like a beer gut.
I wobble along as I strut towards the hut.
I never drink beer but look at my stomach its so huge.
It is such a shame and a big embarressment.
I have to go out in the snow and put on my mac.
I will do some shopping and I will get a rack.

The poems here have gotten so bad that they're good.

Paul.H

There is a bar where I saw a friendly tar.
The tar was called Bub and he was talking to a caterpillar in a Jar.
He asked to the barman if he could play a tune on his guitar.
Then he sang about his far off travels in the mountainous region of Myanmar.
Bub finished his song and had a jaw jaw with the barman and then went out to his car.
He then took out his cigar as he drove to the local bazaar which was quite bizarre.
It was not very far from the bar and when he go out he saw a statue of czar.
Next to the statue, there was a model of the ship, the Union Star.
Bub thought of telling a pun to the stall holder but instead he started to eat his bun.
He looked around bazaar and when he finally he finally he bought an antique gun.
Bub left in his car and drove back home, and went in his garden to lie in the sun.

My new strategy is to write far fewer poems for this thread, but to make them substanbtial. Here is my latest effort, complete with the screwy pseudo-Latin:

“Quanta multum vincolebit nostri,” sang the bird
As Luke and Anne and I came through the door.
“Pretty bird!” said Luke. It sang what it had sung before.
Then Luke said, “Waitress! Table, please, for four.”

“Four?” said Ann. “There’s three of us. Who else did you invite?”
“The Queen,” said Luke, but she can’t come today.
I did forget to ask her, but it’s possible she might,
So if she does, let’s make sure she will stay.”

“Quanta multum vincolebit nostri,” came again.
The waitress gave us menus, which we read.
She gave us plates of pretzels. “How much gravy?” she said, then
Upon those pretzels great brown puddles spread.

The bird began again. I said, “Do you know what that means?
It sounds like Latin, but it’s all confused.”
The waitress thought a minute. “Granny wrote it in her teens,
And she did it ‘cause she thought we’d be amused.”

Then she called for Uncle Elmer, who was working at the grill.
Elmer said, “You should ask Granny when she comes.”
“She’s been gone for ten years,” said the waitress, “and she’s missing still.”
“No,” said Elmer, “she’s just canning last year’s plums.”

By now we’d cleaned our plates of soggy pretzels, and we hoped
For appetizing dishes still to come,
But crab cakes came with wandering crabs, and no one really coped
With squirming chicks in omelets. We felt numb!

We grabbed our coats and ran away. We saw, out by the curb,
Two ladies playing poker near our van:
The Queen and Granny, happy, smiling, no cares to perturb.
They smiled and waved as past them we all ran.

But as we drove, we glanced up at the sky, where we could see
A sky-writer wrote: “Quanta multum vincolebit nostril.”

VENI VIDI VICI


Veni Vidi Vici
Was the message sent to The Senate c/o Rome
By Caesar, assuming they were home
And I don’t mean with the family or the pretty boy
But in the Senate with laws and such – deep joy
Did not break out universally
For some Democratic Senators thought
Although he fought
Bravely
It should have been me mates or me
But those on the Republican side
Were most satisfied,

Please don’t jeer
His words appear
In both Suetonius (Suet-pud)
And in Plutarch (I’m Pluto – born to be good)
His message was brutally terse
I came, I saw, I conquered (smashed ‘em all)
But what’s as for you Democrats worse
I whipped them Turks – no ruse
It don't take much to light my fuse.

I’m a man of few words
Too many is absurd,
Long speeches, don’t need them
And though I’m clever enough to use
a Hendiatris –
three point sentence – I’m also powerful enough
To whip Rome too; so the motto is this
Better watch your backs and be obedient and don’t cause trouble
Or there'll be Trouble
and stuff
And my words, though few, you better heed them.



Historically accurate, Poetically sublime – Samuel Tailor-Would