h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I must remember not to write everything I want to say in the subject.

Very nice of you to say so. I was particularly proud of The Queen Mother standing in a window watching some bagpiping action going on. It's a shame it wasn't a photograph and the bagpiping wasn't the unusual sexual practice, I could have earned billions of squids if I'd unearthed a beaut like that.

Did you know the RoyalHousehold was staffed by the gay mafia? None of the royal family ever seem to be particularly jolly to me so they obviously don't do their jobs very well.Ken Dodd in concert once a week might be just as effective and cut down her maj's staffing costs by n%

I had heard of this gay mafia, demanding backhanders in exchange for not playing lightweight pop music and other cliches.

That Princess Margaret was great though! Restored my faith in the wonderful constitutional role they play. Her gag with the bath and the burnt legs still has me in tears. HOW ON EARTH did she manage to burn both legs. It beggars belief. I suspect it's something to do with inbreeding, blue blood, lack of chins and 2 litres of gin.

I am very displeased by your suggestion that Ken Dodd takes over the role of reigning monarch. He's an old weirdo with a history of not paying taxes. Just like the Queen.

What about Nicholas Witchell? The only problem with him is that he has been kissed by the devil.

Can't have been.Otherwise he'd be able to play the blues in a suddenly brilliant and unaccountable fasion. Must have been one of those fashionable air kisses on both cheeks,bet he was hopping mad.

Apparently the devil wasn't interested in his soul because he had so little, instead he made him gingerand freckled, like a festival poo.

Gingers!My friend had a black american boyfriend. The recessive gene theory is crap.Her child had red hair whitety-white skin and pale blue eyes.Don't ever feel sorry for them...they are not endangered species.

I feel sorry for them now I know they aren't endangered. My ginger mate has blond and brunette parents, 3 blonde sisters and a ginger milkman.

The evening of the 19th my child had to be rushed to hospital after slipping and cracking his head on a polished floor at the after school club.The doctor who was black himself seemed unable to understand that my sons head was a different shape because he was part Jamaican and that the bump was on the side of his head and not at the back.He also asked if my youngest son and him were twins.Apart from their being an age gap of two years the youngest one has got blue eyes and blonde hair.

He sounds like one hell ofr a doctor! You should gethim to give Warren Zevon a checkup and see if he can do anything about his terminal cancer.

I am currently facing some resistance to my campaign to introduce a Sikh Smiley as well as ganesh and Vishnu. DO you have any ideas to convince these 'non-believers'?

I want a kosher kitchen smiley and a flashing diwali sari.A half empty Anglican church with nicely arranged flowers and two mormons in suits with nice teeth, short hair and a ready prepared lecture on the evils of caffeine and the importance of large families would be good too.

Sorry, i can only offer a stern lecture on the evils of Marilys Manson, Elvis Presley and why Christian Festivals are funfunfun!!

Superfun!

no, no.I want all of the above and besides mentioned to be NEW!IMPROVED!SMILEYS! Are you goo,brunel or alabaster? Ihope you don't mind me askin'!

i have been alabaster for a while now. i feel it changed my life, brunel was getting me DOWN

The how the diddly how did you get all that guideymail stuff on it?It looks very nice gooey. Brunel hurts my eyes .its far too workmanlike for me and you have to scroll up and down like a Saducee to find anything.

Oh, it was goo I used to use. Too dark though. What do you mea about 'guideymail'?

What do you mean about 'mea'?

Oh you know only too well! You is trubbble, and trubbble you is.

I don't mean to be.Its just the way I'm drawn. Decided where you are going to move to yet? Crouch end is alright but its a devel to get to on public transport.How am i going to leave all my children with for the weekend while I go out to protest against things?

I want to move to Crouch End, but can't make a decision until I start working on a more permanent and better paid job in the middle of town.

Camden could be cool but probably a little more for fun for day tripping rather than living there.


Otherwise there's always Primrose Hill and Belsize Park...